Tuesday, 4 March 2008

“Good Day To Invade Russia” Said Fuhrer’s Horoscope

"You Will Have Arguments With A Fat, Bald Cigar Smoker"

British Intelligence manipulated Hitler’s obsession with horoscopes during World War II by making him think “Taureans make bad übermensch”, according to files in the National Archives.

Ludwig Von Ebbsfleet, who defected from Germany as astrologer for “Das Sün” newspaper, claimed that Hitler, a Taurus, was so obsessed with astrology he contributed to Germany’s super-inflation of the 1920s by constantly calling premium-rate horoscope telephone lines.

In recently-released government documents, Von Ebbsfleet claims “Ze Fuhrer is nutty about his horoscopes, ja? For instance, he was starting ze Reichstag fire on February 27th because zis was a good day for fire signs.”

Allied Propaganda forces attempted to exploit this weakness by planting negative horoscopes in the German press using covert spy stargazers. An entry for June 6th 1944 – the day of the D Day landings – suggested to the Fuhrer that “It’s a good time for Taureans to spend time socialising with friends. Maybe a dinner party or a night at the theatre. Relaxing on the beach is not recommended, specifically Carentan, Saint-Lô, Caen, and Bayeux.”

The entry for April 30th 1945 proved to be the decisive part of the operation, with Taureans told “Things have been getting you down recently, Taurus, as all your plans at work seem to be going wrong. Maybe it’s time to try a new approach, like killing yourself in a bunker, perhaps.”

Churchill commented on the plan, called Operation Toper, saying “Never, in the field of human conflict, has one man set so much store by such a load of pseudo-scientific bollocks. I say we convince him that Taurus men are shit in bed.” Churchill, Sagitterian, also ensured that Hitler was convinced Sagitterians were hard as fuck.

The newly-released documents showed similar methods were used against the Japanese army. A fake Feng Shui expert was parachuted into Japan to suggest that their stuff wouldn’t look very nice in China. He wrote a further article in a national Japanese newspaper stating that all furniture within a 200-mile radius of Nagasaki should face away from the city centre.


6oober said...

well that explains alot.i thought hitler was just a fruit.turns out he was as barmy as a lorry.imagine the debacle that would be our goverment if mystic meg or that fat bloke who reminds me of jono coleman ,got hold of the ropes.we'd all go the route of that zodiac spouting loon alan shearer.waving our right arm about like a big nancy and only eating chicken and beans because god forbid what might happen if we didnt.

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