Monday, 10 March 2008

NHS Researchers Recommend “Lots Of Sex With NHS Researchers”

"I've Got The Cure For What Ails You" Say Health Writers

In an online article published by NHS Direct, members of the public are advised to start an exercise regime that includes “Lots of commitment-free, anonymous sex with NHS researchers.” In the article, entitled “My Cock Holds The Key To Wellbeing”, NHS Direct readers are advised to “Eat healthily, avoid alcohol & tobacco and have regular health checkups. Also, if you’re a female between the ages of 18 and 35 you should email us for some enthusiastic humping.”

According to the article, the health benefits of no-strings intercourse with lowly website writers are impressive. Weight loss, better eyesight and eternal youth are just some of the side-effects promised.

“The article is based on sound scientific principles” stated Tony Ebbsfleet, one of the article’s authors. “It has been proven time and again that meeting up with me for a night of tromboning, spanking and facials can vastly reduce the instances of liver disease and strokes. In fact, just one hour of giving me enthusiatic fellatio in a pub car park can burn off 400 calories and lead to smoother, younger-looking skin.”

However, the article has been criticised by some members of the public as misleading. Gemma, a 19-year-old fitness instructor from Knutsford, read the website and immediately contacted the authors. “I was really worried, because I like to look after myself and to my knowledge I’d never had sex with anybody from NHS Direct.” said Gemma. “They got back in touch within seconds with the address of a nearby hotel where they could ‘sort me out’ as they put it.”

After a three-hour ‘consultation’, Gemma states that she could feel no positive health benefits, although she was hopeful that the video footage taken at the time might give some insights.

Alan Johnson, Secretary Of State For Health, was unavailable for comment but his PA did confirm from personal experience that joyless, hurried sex with cabinet ministers could lead to an increase in trips to Paris.

1 comment:

6oober said...

i wonder if self abuse counts.i mean,im not an nhs researcher or anything, and no one from the health service has been present during the act, but i do think about the hot kiwi physio that sorted out my knee problem, while im "on the job"