Wednesday, 19 March 2008

Halle Berry Child Name Outrage

“What’s Wrong With Ginseng?” Berry Asked

Halle Berry faced accusations of irresponsible parenting, immaturity and possible child abuse after naming her child “Dave”. Celebrity parents have been quick to round on Berry, who won an Oscar in 2004 for her role as a troubled widow in ‘Catwoman’.

“She is clearly picking a name like that to be different” said Tom Cruise, father of Suri, in a press conference earlier today. “We work in a profession where everybody wants to stand out as an individual. Now you can do that by being a great actor, a great humanitarian or being a closet homosexual cult leader with a spouse twice your size. But choosing a stupid, gimmicky name like Dave just isn’t an acceptable way of doing things.”

“The little guy’s life is going to be hell” said Gwyneth Paltrow, mother of Moses and Apple, before bursting into tears. Paltrow, who was attending the premiere of he latest film Straight To Video, said “Imagine the grief he’s going to get in the playground with a name like – how do you pronounce it? – Dave? He’ll be the only one there not named after a god, or a prophet or a piece of fruit or something. Poor little thing.”

Showbiz reporter Molina Ebbsfleet has suggested that Berry’s fragile mental state might be the reasons for naming her child Dave. “If ‘Dave’ wasn’t bad enough, we’ve had unconfirmed reports that his middle name is ‘John’. This would be okay if it was after John Lennon or Kennedy, but it turns out Berry had an uncle named John who she grew up with. She’s clearly going off the rails. She came out of the hospital and allowed the press to take photos of the baby, rather than bundling him out of the service exit in an armoured vehicle. She hasn’t even installed gun turrets in the family home for his protection.”

But one celebrity did come to Berry’s defence. Bob Geldof, father of Fifi Trixibelle, Pixie Frou Frou & Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, said “Feck off and leave the poor wee girl alone. There’s nothing fecking wrong wth a name like Dave. Sure, I’d have called the kids Mary, Theresa and Josephine if it wasn’t for the dead missus. What with the coke and the booze and the Australian cock, she had no clue what she was doing. I think she thought she was naming types of Laura Ashley fabric, meself.”


Anonymous said...

I hate to be a nit-picker but was Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily one of Michael Hutchins?

Actually that's a lie, I love to nit-pick.

It's all very good one the less. Keep up the good work!

6oober said...

it must be a tough love that johnny cash song,you know the one,ring of fire.

Anonymous said...

Sir, you rock.

If it wasn't free on the internet, i would buy this magazine. Well, I would browse this in WH Smiths, then when everyone has left, put it down and buy acceptable soft porn for the train.

I put the 'C' in Arthur C. Clarke said...

I, for one, was completely credulous.

Animal451 said...

[i]"What with the coke and the booze and the Australian cock, she had no clue what she was doing" [/i]

I laughed out loud (lol'd in mordern parlance) at that. Amusing throughout, though. :)

Anonymous said...

"a corking read"