US Stock Market Crash Continues To Make No Fucking Difference

“Price Of Cornflakes Completely Unaffected” Says Economist

Following the recent collapse of Bear Stearns Bank in the US and the consequent stock market slump, leading economist Terry Ebbsfleet confirmed that “My weekly shopping at Tesco still came to about thirty quid. And that was even after I’d bought a twelve-pack of Stella, which normally bumps it up a bit.”

Ebbsfleet explained the chain of events in the US economy meltdown “Some organisation you’ve never heard of still has all the same stuff it used to have, but now that stuff’s worth a lot less for reasons nobody really understands. So the government had to give them a shitload of money. The company didn’t buy any new stuff with it or anything, but they needed that money so the stuff they already own is worth what it used to be. I think that’s right, anyway.”

Ebbsfleet went on to explain the effect this had on the wider economy “Lots of other people who buy parts of completely unconnected companies suddenly decided that this meant those companies were now worth less too. Even though, yes I know, they still had all the same stuff – it’s not like all their office furniture suddenly fell to bits or they lost a building or something. So they told all their mates that the bits of company they owned could now be bought for even cheaper. They weren’t necessarily going to buy those bits of company, mind, but if they were they’d expect to pay less for it. I tend to get a little lost at this point but I’m pretty sure that’s how it works.”

Asked how this would affect people in the UK, Ebbsfleet replied “Not in the frigging slightest. Seriously. Fags & booze still cost too much, you can still get tins of beans in Aldi for about nine pence. It’s all exactly the same. When I heard the news I expected the supermarket to look like 5pm on Christmas Eve, but no. There’s still all the same amount of stuff in the world and it all costs pretty much the same amount to buy. Although Tesco have got some pretty decent two-for-one offers on lager at the moment.”

Describing any positive benefits that could be expected from the US slump, Ebbsfleet said “Well quite a few rich, sneering, cocky twats might end up penniless and blow their brains out, so there’s always that. But ultimately you’re still going to have to go to work, keep up your mortgage and pay over the odds for petrol. Same old, same old.”