Monday, 21 January 2008

Nothing Happens In Knutsford

Knutsford News-Free For Third Day In A Row

Concern is growing amongst the journalistic community of Knutsford after nothing of note happened in the town for the third day in a row. Dave Ebbsfleet, chairman of the Knutsford Society Of Journalists, says the incident slump is the worst for two hundred years:

“We first noticed something was wrong on Saturday morning. Usually, a Friday night will have turned up something juicy like a punch-up in a pub or a dog savaging a kid. But when we checked our emails, there was nothing – nobody had even poked us on Facebook.

The last time it was this bad was in the early 1800s when most of the town was indoors with the dropsy. In the end, ‘The Knuttsforde Examinatory Gazzetteer’ just printed pictures of some weaving looms to fill the pages up.”

A combination of bad weather and people being skint after Christmas is believed to be the cause of such a quiet Friday but locals are baffled as to why the following Saturday & Sunday continued to be quite so journalistically eventless.

“I’ve lived here for forty years” said local resident Dylan Travelog “and I’ve never seen it this quiet. I had to get the bus to Chester and go to a titty bar for a bit of excitement. Bent right over, they did. You could see everything.”

There is some optimism from local authorities, however. “Knutsford is a thriving, exciting town” said Knutsford MP George Osbourne. “I am fully confident that it can bounce back from the current news slump. I have been in close contact with the chief of police and he assures me that a local drought in crack cocaine will soon have Knutsford drug addicts running around the streets like extras from ’28 Days Later’. 98% of the place will be on fire, stolen or in the process of being raped come Tuesday evening.”

But Knutsford journalists remain pessimistic. “At this rate, we’re going to have to beat up some old dears ourselves, otherwise the next issue of The Knutsford Chronicle is just going to be crossword puzzles, knitting patterns and ads for secondhand cars.” said Ebbsfleet.

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