Friday, 18 January 2008

Britain To Be Sold At Auction

Great Britain ‘To Be Repossessed’

Following the Northern Rock fiasco, rising mortgage rates and spiralling amounts of people defaulting on their credit cards, a consortium of foreign banks have called in the bailiffs on the whole of the United Kingdom.

“We have tried to be patient” explained Dr Hans Ebbsfleet, Chief Executive of TransInternationalGlobalCorp Bank. “Time and again we have contacted Britain and asked if they could make even a token payment toward the 1.2 trillion pounds they owe us. But they kept hanging up on us or promising to pay £100 into their local branch, only for the money to never materialise.”

It is understood that the consortium met in a darkened mahogany room in Geneva early this week to decide what was to be done about Britain’s mountainous credit card bill. Suggestions ranged from asking Britain if it had any wealthy relative countries who could help make payments, to asking Britain to detail its weekly incoming and outgoing money to see if any savings could be made.

However, such an approach was apparently made in early 2006, with Britain telling the consortium that it was starting a new job in a couple of weeks’ time and would be back on its feet shortly.

“We had no choice but to get the courts involved.” said Ebbsfleet “Britain never turned up on the hearing date so the judge granted in our favour.” A team of 500,000 bailiffs are due to arrive in Britain on January 24th to seize goods to the value of the debt. It is understood that the Crown Jewels will be amongst the items taken to repay what is owed.

“All I would ask is that Britain does not pretend to be out when the bailiffs arrive” said Ebbsfleet. “It’s only delaying the inevitable. If we have to spend the next six months repossessing every iPod, flat screen TV and Wii in Britain to get our money back, then that’s what we’ll do.”

Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling was defiant in the face of this news, stating “We haven’t got the money, so I don’t know what they expect us to do. And all that stuff in the living room doesn’t belong to us anyway. It’s Ireland’s, so they can’t take it. If they carry on like this we’ll just file for bankruptcy and they can ruddy well tickle for their money then.”

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