Friday, 4 January 2008

New Police Powers

Police Unveil New "Do That Again And I'll Twat You" Powers

In a bid to curb teen antisocial behaviour, police have been granted permission to shoe the little shits when they step out of line.

The Home Secretary Jacquie Smith said "For years we have seen the streets of Britain become a dangerous place to live. Well, I say 'we', I actually live in a fucking huge mansion in the countryside. Anyway, the previous power of a Clip Around The Ear was no longer effective and modern policing needs modern methods.

As of December 1 st, the police are entitled to give the youth of Britain a hiding they'll never forget. I would urge the public that, if any young shitehawks start playing up on your street, dicking about with your car or playing that godawful R&B at top volume or what have you, they should call 999 and four burly coppers will come around and knock the little fucker's spine up through their noses."

The new policy has been given the surprise backing of civil liberties group Liberty . "It's about time this happened" said spokesman Charlton Ebbsfleet "Three bastard windows I've had to replace in my car this year. And if you lay a hand on them they scream blue murder and before you know it you've got shit pushed through your letterbox for being a paedo."

Since the "Do That Again And I'll Twat You" bill was passed, applications to the police force have rocketed by 72%


Mr Reasonable said...

If only that were true. I realise that your post was satire and in agreeing with it may make me sound like a twat but bollocks to it, I'd pay good money to see 4 coppers kick the shit out of some of the little pikey bastards that live near me.

Anonymous said...

Oh you're so intolerant and probably racialist and I bet you read the Daily Mail!
Nah, just kidding - it's about time the filth that parasitise our society got what's coming to them. Decent normal people need to find the courage to kick these little fuckers into line, because their parents just don't give a shit.