Scientist Warns Public To Quit Eating
A Department of Health expert told the public today that "Anything you eat will give you cancer or a heart attack. Maybe both. You're better off steering clear of food altogether".
Dr Charles Ebbsfleet of the DoH stated "Over the years, we've found out that absolutely everything is bad for you – eggs, meat, dairy products, wheat – the lot. You don't even want to fucking know what we found out about carrots the other day. Seriously."
"It's getting to the point where it's quicker to say what won't make you blow up like a piñata full of tumours. I wish I'd never studied nutrition, frankly, as I can't look at a set of ingredients any more without fucking shitting myself."
As news broke of the DoH's announcement, hunchbacked fraud 'Dr' Gillian Mckeith was spotted running up to fat people in the street and shouting "Hah! I fucking TOLD you so!"
When pressed to name what foods were still safe, Dr Ebbsfleet said "Ooh, I dunno. I think peas are probably alright, as long as they're not mushy ones. Christ knows, though. Pretty soon we'll probably find out they make your cock fall off or something. It's too depressing to even think about. Look, just leave me alone, okay?"
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