Monday, 28 January 2008

Commuters Tell Tide To Go Away

Protesting Commuters Eye New Target

South West commuters will flock to the beaches of Devon next weekend and demand that the tide go back to France where it came from.

This follows the fare strike action taken against First Great Western Trains today. Commuters carried protest tickets bearing slogans such as “Worst Late Western” as a way of highlighting the perceived poor service of the rail company.

Iain Ebbsfleet, who co-ordinated today’s protest, said “We feel that the best way to force a huge, faceless corporation into providing a better service for its customers is by the use of weak puns and subtle sarcasm. If things don’t start improving, we will have no hesitation in rolling our eyes, tutting and saying “For goodness’ sake” under our breath. We know that seems drastic but we’re not to be trifled with.”

Buoyed by the success of today’s action – many train guards were visibly miffed – Ebbsfleet has set his sights on the encroaching sea next.

“For too long, we have been at the mercy of an uncaring, irregular and inefficient tide. Not any more. I am calling on all South West commuters to stand on the beach at midday on Saturday and wag a reproachful finger at the tide. I feel confident that we will be as successful in forcing the tide back into the sea as we have been in forcing a rich, powerful company in a monopoly position to give nine shits about whether we’re unhappy or not.”

Ebbsfleet went on to outline his plans to bring about world peace and turn back time itself. “I’ve been listening to a lot of Paul McCartney and Cher. That’s all I’m saying” he added cryptically.

The Customer Affairs spokesman for First Great Western was more pragmatic about today’s protest, however.

“They can get on the fucking trains, pay their fucking fares and keep their fucking mouths shut as far as we’re concerned. If we want to halve the number of carriages, double the fares or force commuters to chew copper wire for the length of their journey then we’ll do it and they’ll fucking well take it.

If they want us to improve our service I suggest they go and try to shit out a diamond. Let’s see what happens first. I’d say they can like it or lump it but in truth they can fucking well loathe it or lump it. We’re here, we’ll do what the fuck we want and there’s tits-all they can do about it, the whining fucking pigs.”

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Painfully funny, and yet oh so true. Bastards.