Thursday, 31 July 2008

British Gas Sends Turd To Every Customer

“Eat My Fluffy Waste” Says Chief Exec

After posting profits of £58 per second for 2008 just days after raising their prices by 35%, British Gas-owned Centrica have sent an explanatory letter to every customer in the UK wrapped around a freshly-laid human cable.

The letter, written by Centrica Chief Executive Piper Ebbsfleet, says:

“Dear Customer*

We understand there has been some concern** over our 35% price increases in light of the publicised profits made by Centrica this year.***

We would like to assure all our customers that the price increases were unavoidable and that your continued custom is appreciated.****

You will have found enclosed in the envelope a freshly-wrapped chunk of my digestion. We would ask all customers to carefully unwrap the parcel, pop it in a microwave for thirty seconds, then BITE DOWN ON MY FUCKING SHIT, YOU WORMS! EAT IT! EAT ALL OF IT! SCUM! YOU’RE ALL SCUM & I’LL CHARGE YOU WHAT THE CUNT I LIKE! AAAAHAHAHAAA!!!”

Yours, with respect

Piper Ebbsfleet
Chief Executive

** Sheer, carpet-biting fury
***Your hard-earned money paying for our coke, whores and cokewhores. Ha!
****Actually, we’d like to bitchslap each of you with a socket spanner, you worthless swine. Try and get gas somewhere else. Go on, I’ll wait. Dig a fucking well in your back garden for all the good it will do you.

Consumer group Energywatch has described Ebbsfleet’s response as “disappointing” and some Centrica customers feel their grievances are not being taken into consideration.

One Knutsford man, who wished to remain nameless, said “I’m a pensioner and I struggle to pay my gas bills. I phoned them the other week to complain and I was expecting an explanation. Not some sweetcorn-ridden lump with streaks of blood in it.”

1 comment:

Leighsus Christ said...

Beautiful. I guffaw at your post.