News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily


Benitez Buys Magic Beans For £30M
Two-Mile High Beanstalks to Replace Crouch

Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez has confirmed the purchase of three magic beans to give the team some presence in the air for the forthcoming season. “After we pay £19M for Robbie Keane, the Tottenham chairman he start laughing very loudly. He ask whether I want some magic beans while I am there. When I ask for details of beans, he stop laughing and disappear to canteen.”

Benitez is hoping to plant a bean in each third of the pitch to give the team target legumes in key areas. When asked how the club proposes to finance such expensive signings, Benitez was remarkably upbeat. “I have been very fortunate because there is gentleman in Nigeria who needs to move £80M from the country and I have agreed to help him. I cannot discuss much the specifics, but he has my pin number and account details so I am expecting the money very soon.”


Arrests Made After Pier Fire
Two Rotherham Men Questioned

Avon police are questioning two men in relation to the Weston Pier fire that devastated the seafront landmark yesterday. They are refusing to give full details of the suspects, saying only that they were middle-aged brothers from Rotherham and were due to perform on the pier later this month.

Fire investigators told police they were 90% certain the fire was started by “Slapstick buffoonery” and the two brothers were arrested shortly afterwards. Inspector Ebbsfleet of Avon constabulary said “It’s early days, but we think that the two suspects were helping with the delivery of a deep fat fryer for the kitchens. An earwitness reports hearing each brother say that the fryer should be moved to him, to them, to him and seconds later flames engulfed the building.”

If found guilty, it will be the most serious case of buffoon-related criminal damage since an exploding clown car burnt down Gerry Cottle’s home in 1982.


Tories Set Out Plans For “Britain’s Social Gulf”
“Some Sort Of Moat Should Do It” Says Cameron

In today’s policy announcement, the Conservative Party set out their five-point plan to address the widening gap between Britain’s rich and poor. They are:

1: A large, spike-filled moat for every millionaire home-owner. “It’s disgraceful in this day and age that somebody who drops their H’s can just walk up to your front door” said Cameron.

2: Biometric ID cards that display the bearer’s bank balance. These will be used to stop poorer people entering selected restaurants, galleries, etc.

3: A 30-foot high protective wall to be built around Buckinghamshire.

4: Free knives for single parent families. “We must let nature take its course and thin out the pack” – Cameron.

5: All Easyjet flights to be one-way only. “It seems a nonsense that once we’ve got those dreadful paupers out of the country we allow them back in to stink the place up.” – Cameron.