Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Winehouse Escape Plot Foiled

Singer Attempted To Post Herself To Jailed Husband

An audacious plot to spring Blake Fielder-Civil, the inappropriately-named partner of Amy Winehouse, from jail was uncovered by Metropolitan Police and the Royal Mail early this morning.

Acting on a tipoff from Royal Mail workers, police opened a suspect envelope addressed to Fielder-Civil at Pentonville Prison to find a disorientated Winehouse inside. Workers were first alerted to her presence when the envelope started asking for a light before punching a passing postman.

“Winehouse’s much-publicised weight loss was, it seems, integral to the escape plan.” said Chief Inspector Ebbsfleet “While many have ascribed it to drug usage, stress, etc. it seems the singer was making herself thin enough to be carried by post.”

A raid on Winehouse’s Camden address also revealed several yoga DVDs and manuals, which police believe she has studied for some time in order to make herself flexible enough to fit inside the A4 envelope. Her tattoos were allegedly a form of camouflage, making prison officers believe she was merely a severely-smudged love note.

“Once inside Pentonville, we think Winehouse planned to burst out of the envelope and track down her husband’s cell. Able to slip through the bars, she would have then used a nailfile hidden in her beehive to pick the lock.”

Winehouse is currently being questioned by Met police, but so far has answered “No, no, no” to all their lines of enquiry. But Chief Inspector Ebbsfleet praised his officers. “Today we stopped a very serious crime from being committed. Without our work, yet another jumped-up, cokefaced, braying toff arsewit would be loose on the streets of Hoxton.”

Meanwhile, Pete Doherty, friend of the soul singer, has shocked the music world by announcing his plans to enter next year’s Tour De France. His agent stated “Pete loves the outdoors, especially the countryside of France. So the opportunity to experience it while arsed-up on the finest cocktail of drugs money can buy, like most of the other competitors, was too hard to resist.”

Doherty has already pulled out of several of the stages of next year’s race, citing ‘Personal reasons. Mostly involving heroin.”

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