Hopeless Scottish Bastard Loses

LTA Vows To “Make Hadrian’s Wall 35-Feet High”

British hopes for a tennis player that doesn’t completely suck monkey pussy were dashed last night as useless, pasty-faced puddle of piss Andrew Murray was beaten like Naomi Campbell’s PA by Rafael Nadal in straight sets.

Thousands flocked to watch a sport they couldn’t give a greased fuck about for 50 weeks of the year, in the hopes of seeing the mardy-arsed haggis botherer Murray get his shit together and beat somebody they’d actually heard of. However, it quickly became apparent that Murray wouldn’t know which end of a tennis racquet to hold if you strapped a tin of Tennant’s Super to it.

Play was suspended for ten minutes as Murray continually attempted to toss his racquet over the net, mistaking it for a caber. He then went on to harangue a female line judge, saying “You’ve no gorra poond forra tin o spesh, have ye hen?”

When Murray finally calmed down and play commenced it was immediately clear that Nadal would have the beating of Murray even if somebody tied Nadal’s feet around his eyes and broke all his fingers.

After the match, Nadal was gracious in victory, asking “Is big joke, yes? I am hitting the ball to Andrew and all time I am expecting the Jeremy Beadle to appear as ball boy with suspicious beard. I even try to point which way I hit ball to Andrew, but he seem to have hand-eye coordination of, how you say it, a fucking retarded panda.”

Lawn Tennis Association person Chesterton Ebbsfleet was less sanguine, however. “That is the last time we let one of those Caledonian arsenuts make a fool of us, I can tell you. We gave him a chance, treated him as an equal and what did Murray do? Pissed on all our hopes like it was an Oxford Street doorway after closing time. Never again.”

“Tomorrow morning, fifty-eight LTA bulldozers are making their way to Scotland and they’re going to plough up every tennis court in the land. On the way back, they’re going to extend Hadrian’s Wall to either coast and raise it up another thirty feet. We’ve got the gun turrets on order.”

Murray was unavailable for comment at time of press but is understood to be recovering from the heavy defeat on a park bench.