Monday, 14 July 2008

Employers Brace Themselves For Thatcher Death

Widespread Absenteeism Will Cause ‘Pandemonium” Say DoT

With the news that Margaret Thatcher is to have a state funeral released yesterday, the Department Of Trade has said that her death could spark “The biggest disruption to trade since the Y2K bug.”

DoT person Gregg Ebbsfleet stated “We anticipate that the morning after she dies, the amount of people off work with a hangover could be as high as 90%. On the one hand, you’ve got your deluded Tories who will see her passing as the end of an era and will have impromptu wakes in their mews lamenting that behaving like a blank-eyed, heartless little shitehawk is seen by many to be passé these days.”

“On the other hand, pretty much everyone north of Watford will be dancing in the streets, hugging each other, crying tears of joy. You’re going to be able to see the celebrations from the moon as vast swathes of Yorkshire, Lancashire and Teesside will be lit up like Christmas tree. Scotland’s going to be like New Year’s Eve, Burns Night and half-price Tennants day at Lidl all rolled into one.”

Emergency services will cancel leave as hospitals brace themselves for vast numbers of patients admitted with laughing-their-fucking-arse-off–related injuries.

A motion has been tabled that Thatcher’s remains should be laid to rest in Westminster Hall, but tourism chiefs have said this would be wasteful. “British tourism has been in steady decline over the last 30 years and this is a real opportunity to get holidaymakers to visit the many beautiful sites of the UK. Any tourist attractions that currently struggle with numbers should be allowed to apply to have Thatcher’s remains on their grounds for a week, along with a suitable disco and bar.”

Meanwhile, the estimated £3 million cost of Thatcher’s state funeral has also come under fire. Knutsford MP Arnold Lane said “It’s a disgrace that taxpayer’s money should be spent in this manner. The cost of her funeral should be borne by her dreadful family and the earmarked money should be put behind bars up and down the UK.”

Push Jelly will be holding its own Thatcher Death Hootenanny in Hyde Park London, 1pm the day after her demise, by Speaker’s Corner. We ask that revellers bring enough booze to drown a Geordie stag night and a t shirt saying “I AM EBBSFLEET”.

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