Property Values Fall From “Obscenely Inflated” For First Time In 16 Years
HSBC reported that in the last three months, the average house price has stopped making first-time buyers want to weep bitter tears of envy and have merely made them vomit disbelief into their upturned hands.
Tim Ebbsfleet of the HSBC Mortgage Advice Centre stated “This time last year, you could literally walk across the Thames on the backs of first-time buyers who’d flung themselves in when they’d realised that studio flat in Penge was going to cost the same as a Faberge elephant.”
“However, market forces are such that anyone currently looking to get onto the property ladder will merely snort derisively about pulling a tinfoil llama out of their arses while trying to stump up the deposit.”
When asked what he meant by ‘market forces’, Ebbsfleet replied “Market forces are, and I can’t stress this clearly enough, the subtle trends, factors and influences that compel banks to make you leap through shit-smeared hoops, while they cackle and light cigars with £50 notes of your money. All because you’ve grown tired of handing over all your wages to a greasy twat in a suit for the privilege of living in a grotty hovel that you’ll never own.”
Ebbsfleet felt that it wasn’t all bad news, however. “We’re still fucking minted, mate. Not to worry. Either way we’re a winner. The old market saw us hand out mortgages like they’re sweets to unemployable dunderheads who wanted million pound homes. They default, we charge ‘em ten grand for fucking up and take the keys off ‘em. Lovely.”
“Nowadays, we spend half our time calling people fuckpigs and telling them to sling their hook for daring to ask for a mortgage. And the other half that do get them from us have to adhere to some ‘special conditions’, if you get my meaning. I’m knuckle-deep in nest-building fanny. Happy days.”
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