Wednesday, 23 July 2008

Alternative Medicine Is “Utter Bilge” Court Rules

“Let’s See Homeopathy Cure A Pickaxe In The Groin”, Says Judge

After a woman was awarded £800,000 for the brain damage caused by a ‘detox’ diet recommended by nutritionist Barbara Nash, the High Court have also ruled that all nutritionists, faith healers and holistic practitioners be called “Whooping, fraudulent turds” with immediate effect.

Dawn Page was recommended to “Drink more water, because it’s the menses of Gaia, and dead natural and stuff” by her nutritionist, despite Ms Page‘s attack of uncontrollable vomiting. Defending her actions, Barbara Nash said “Ms Page didn’t drink organic water from my recommended local supplier and her couch was throwing her Chi all over the shop. I think those factors, rather than my so-called “Gross incompetence, rank charlatanism and pseudo-scientific cock” was responsible for her brain damage.”

But the High Court has demanded that any person claiming medical benefits from their treatments must have some basic understanding of how the human body works and must be able to back up their claims with unbiased trial results.

“Coming to court today, I used the internal combustion engine, an MP3 player and a mobile phone.” said Justice Ebbsfleet. “At no point did I feel the need to mount a rickshaw with a lute player and fire off a carrier pigeon with a note wrapped around its leg. The middle ages, which most of these ‘cures’ seem to originate from, was a time of pig-ignorance, poor hygiene and death by the age of thirty. Anybody who thinks a bottle of echinacea and an account with their local organic greengrocers is going to stop them getting sick is, frankly, a moron.”

Screeching humbug “Dr” Gillian Mckeith has defended alternative medicine, saying “Traditional doctors don’t know everything.”, but a senior member of the General Medical Council dismissed her opinion, saying “Her PhD is from “The Clayton College Of Natural Health” in Birmingham, Alabama. I’m not casting aspersions but I know they also do a Masters course in banjo-picking and whittling. For fuck’s sake. She’s about as much a doctor as David Tennant is.”

“No, doctors don’t know everything. That’s why we continue to conduct research. As opposed to looking at somebody’s tongue and telling them their kidneys need massaging.”


Dean Burnett, BSc, PhD (circa Nov 2008) said...

Yeah! Whoop whoop whoop!

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