Premiership Transfer Roundup

All The Pointless Panic Buys So Far



Arsenal – Jean-Pierre du Pingpong.
After losing half of his squad like a drunken pub crawl through Amsterdam, Wenger will have to buy big to appease fans hungry for success this season. The wily Professor Yaffle lookalike has spent big on the 8-year-old French winger Pingpong, who previously played in the Camargue Under-11 league.

“He is very fast, very hungry to learn and does his homework without complaint” said Wenger. “I think he will develop into a fine player”. It is expected that Wenger will give Pingpong his debut in the Carling Cup, 2018.


Chelsea – Khalid Croesus.
A period of huge upheaval in the Chelsea camp, as Frank Lampard’s slow waddle toward the exit threatens the whole training ground with subsidence. Scolari has quickly settled into the Chelsea way of buying players, known as the “Dr Evil Gambit”.

Smaller clubs shield their eyes peering to the summit of Chelsea’s cash reserves and when stating their asking price say “One Hundred, Billion Dollars!” before placing their little finger to their lips and cackling maniacally. Abramovich then rummages in his back pocket for the fee and ponies up.

Khalid Croesus is an experienced central midfielder but not blessed with pace. “At the chairman’s request, he is to be encased in platinum” said Scolari “He is then going to be studded with diamonds the size of ostrich eggs and bathed every day in virgin’s tears. Frankly, I think Mr Abramovich is running out of ways to piss his money up the wall, certainly after paying £30M for a knackered striker two years ago.”


Manchester City – Roy Of The Rovers.
After the offer to Ronaldhino, including his own considerable weight in dubloons to stand by the halfway line every Saturday waiting for the ball to be played to his feet had failed, City chairman Shinawatra set his sights on a more realistic target: 54-year-old fictional striker Roy Race.

“After going for one of the most gifted players on the planet who has lived his footballing career surrounded by superstars in clubs famed for their bulging trophy cabinets, we went for a more realistic target. In this case a fictional character.”

Race is expected to bring a more attacking threat from corners, except at the North East corner in the ground. “I don’t want the soil there disturbed” said Shinawatra “And no, I don’t know what happened to those twelve Thai dissidents who went missing last week.” Mr Shinawatra also refused to find the fact that his former political party was called Thai Rak even remotely funny.


Stoke City FC – Bob Journeyman
Stoke City’s summer signings have already been called “Pissing onto the bonfire of failure.” by their manager Tony Pulis. “Really, it’s just too depressing to think about” he continued “The top clubs can pay millions for players they won’t even use, and what have I got to work with? Less money than a one-legged hooker in Utah. What’s the fucking point?”

Pulis admitted that not even he could name half the current Stoke squad – “One of them used to play for Derby, I think”, he commented – and he is doubtful that any further additions to the team will be enough to ensure their premiership survival.

“I’ve signed that lad from Reading – seems a nice enough sort – but seriously, come on. £5m for a ginger bloke? There’s something not right about that.” Pulis has also signed Bob Journeyman, a 37-year-old striker who is good in the air, tough in the tackle and, Pulis admitted, “Long in the tooth”.

Journeyman’s previous clubs have included Crawley Town, Ebbsfleet United, Forfar, Port Vale, Aldershot, Yeovil, Kettering, Brechin, Oldham, Swansea, Partick, Morecambe, Leicester, Doncaster and, rather bizarrely, real Madrid.