80% Cannot Afford Butane Addiction
Spiralling fuel prices have forced many teenage drug users to look to alternative methods for getting fucked off their tit, says drug counselling service Addaction. With gas prices due to rise 70% in the coming months, many teens simply cannot twock car stereos fast enough to meet their demand for butane, which will crash through the £4 per can barrier by September. In comparison the base rate of inflation for pocket money has been a mere 8%
“The government needs to act on this immediately” said Ryan Ebbsfleet of Addaction “or the nation’s can-heads will simply be priced out of the market.” Addaction feels that fuel price rises will have the effect of marginalising the poorer elements of society. “There was a time when solvent abuse was the most egalitarian of drug addictions. You didn’t need to have a silver spoon in your mouth to have a lighter refill up your nose.”
“But now it’s going to be the rush of choice for the middle classes. Only the privileged will be able to get munted on aerosols and as usual, the lower classes get left behind.”
Ebbsfleet has estimated that by February 2009, it will be cheaper to mong yourself up on generic brand sherry than solvents and a way cabbaging the nation’s young will be lost forever. “It will go the way of badger-baiting and mead as a way of kids getting their rocks off. Gas-huffing will be something people will tell their grandchildren about.”
Already, some enterprising youths have begun sourcing alternative forms of high. The Knutsford Pony Club has already reported 45 of their horses having their hooves cut off. “The little bleeders sneak in here of an evening, anaesthetise the horses, cut their hooves off and bugger off to boil them down for glue to sniff. It’s disgusting. Why don’t they just shoot up the horse tranquiliser, that’s what I want to know? I used to love sinking into a K-hole as a kid.”
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