Agyness Dean Clips Nails

World Of Fashion Turned On Head



Style gurus around this fragile planet we call Earth were sent into a spinning vortex of turmoil today as paparazzi photos reveal that model, singer, model and model Agyness Dean has clipped her trademark long nails into a stunning new shorter-nails look.

Dean – who has eroded the very foundations of fashion and flung it, trembling, over the abyss into chaos with her freewheeling, daring and controversial haircuts and shoes – was photographed outside ‘Yah’, a hip, exclusive trendarium, nightspot and drycleaners in Chelsea, by paparazzo Umberto Ebbsfleet. When he reviewed the photos, he realised he’d snapped the most important and iconic pictures since the Berlin Wall tumbled much like fashion has done because of Agyness Dean, like we mentioned earlier.

“At first I didn’t notice as I was too busy looking at her cutting-edge gamine hairdo, fresh-faced complexion, down-to-earth Northerness and perky tits” said Ebbsfleet. “But when I’d, erm, finished, my eyes strayed to her fingernails. I could not believe what I was privileged to witness with these too, too mortal eyes. Her fingernails were about half an inch shorter than normal.”

Ebbsfleet immediately contacted all the major fashion magazines and a bidding war went into overdrive. Although reluctant to discuss how much the photos fetched (they were eventually bought by New York style magazine “ID Yo! Tick”), it is widely believed he is now richer than Croesus with a twelve-horse accumulator.

What happens in the aftermath of the hypermodel slightly trimming the bits of keratin on the ends of her fingers is unclear, but according to designer Tir Knutsford, the universe of over-priced ridiculous clothes will never be the same again. “Agyness Dean has seized the zeitgeist by the scruff of its neck with her newly-trimmed nails and shook it until all the fashion gold has fallen out of its pockets.”

“This generation will forever remember where they were when they heard that some pretty-looking woman had a manicure. Me? I was having cocaine licked out of my anus by my miniature poodle Klaus.”

Agyness Dean, in her typically frank, Northern, forthrightly Northern manner, has tried to play down this epoch-blistering event by commenting “Blimey, I were only having me nails cut a bit, lad. Eeeh. I’m Northern, I am. Have I mentioned it? By eck.”