Obama Has Sex With Marilyn Monroe

Bombshell’s Corpse Exhumed In Kennedy Association Bid

Barack Obama has upped the ante in his bid to be compared with JFK by having sex with the remains of shite dead actress Marilyn Monroe, it was reported today. In a sombre re-enactment of Kennedy’s trysts with the pill-ridden tragedy magnet, Obama was said to have had brief, joyless sex with Monroe’s husk in the back of a limousine whilst driving through downtown Los Angeles.

The limousine driver, Biff Ebbsfleet, said “Mr Obama said he was on his way to a charity fundraiser but had to make a quick stop first. My suspicions were first aroused when two secret service agents got in the back carrying shovels, tarpaulin and big jars of Vicks Vaporub.”
Ebbsfleet went on to say they stopped outside Westwood Village Cemetery for about an hour before he was ordered to drive off again. From the back of the limo he could hear strange noises. “There was a kind of grunting going on, as well as what sounded like somebody retching. I heard something like twigs snapping for a while before I heard Mr Obama shout “Ugghh!!! Ich bein ein sick puppy!” I was then asked to turn the car around and back to the cemetery I went.”

It was only later that Ebbsfleet put together the pieces of the puzzle. “When we got back to the cemetery, the secret service guys were carrying something out the back seat. As they passed a sidewalk vent, a billow of white silk blew up from underneath the tarpaulin. Later, when I was cleaning the limo, amongst the smell of stale vomit and rancid meat, I got a whiff of Chanel No 5, Monroe’s favourite scent. Then the penny dropped”.

This is the latest step in Senator Obama’s campaign to become the new Kennedy, which has included a visit to Berlin, his wife dressing like Jackie Kennedy and his inevitable assassination early in his presidency. His brother, Knut Obama, has been reported as saying “If anyone thinks I’m running for president after Barack gets shot, they can jump in the nearest river and fuck a passing trout.”

80% Of Accidents ‘Caused By Evil Car Gnome’

“He Lives in Your Carburettor & Smells Like Ottawa” Says Crash Survivor



The existence of a malevolent car-dwelling sprite that gnaws through brake cables, hangs off windscreen wipers and puts the engine into first gear while you’re not looking is just one of a number of explanations given for the millions of car accidents that occurred in the UK last year.

Direct Line car insurance, who conducted the survey in the name of rigorous scientific research and in no way to get a page 5 filler story in the tabloids, say car manufacturers should make drivers more aware of the car gnome and his unquenchable thirst for vehicular destruction.

“It’s all very well fitting airbags, antilock brakes and the like” said Direct Line person Janice Ebbsfleet “but until they do more to eradicate the existence of an untraceable troll, there’s really little point.”

Other reasons drivers gave for ploughing their ton of metal into a tree included “The wrong type of tarmac”, “Sudden attacks of existential ennui” and “Radio 1”. But the most controversial reason is inaccurate directions given by SatNav equipment.

Road safety group Brake have called on SatNav companies to show more responsibility. “We hail the SatNav. We must do its bidding. The SatNav is wise, and knows all. But could the SatNav please stop telling us to pull a u-turn at 70 miles an hour on the A1? Our necks hurt. All praise to the mighty SatNav.”

Motoring journalist Jeremy Knutsford was less than sympathetic with the survey’s findings. “If you’ve passed your driving test, we can assume a couple of things. You’ve got opposable thumbs and can read to a standard that allows you to know what road signs mean.”

“So given these assumptions, can we not further assume that you’re a marginally-intelligent adult and as such should take some responsibility if you suddenly decide to veer off into a canal, for fuck’s sake?”

Garry Chester, the sole survivor of a twelve-car pileup, still maintains that his SatNav was responsible for the 21 fatalities his accident caused, however. “I was driving home from work, a journey I’d done every day for the past eight years. I’d recently bought my SatNav and switched it on out of curiosity just before I set off.

“So I’m doing 55 down the dual carriageway when suddenly this plummy-voiced bird told me to turn left into a ravine. I was brought up to obey my betters, so I slung the car over the barriers and down the embankment. I was only doing what it told me to. Can I have my compensation cheque, now, please?”