Friday, 8 February 2008

Ungrateful Bastard Sues BA

"Where There's Heroism, There's A Claim" Says Passenger

Following the crash landing of Flight 38 on January 17th, in which pilot John Coward averted a major disaster by steering the stricken Boeing to safety, one passenger has decided to sue BA for “Shits, giggles and most importantly – cash.”

University Lecturer Paul Strafford told the press “Many might think that, after the pilot skilfully manoeuvred hundreds of tons of metal going a few hundred miles an hour to safety, I might show a modicum of gratitude. Well, they’re wrong. I’ve been mildly perturbed since the incident and I think my mild perturbation should be compensated with a cheque fat enough to burst a padded envelope.”

BA confirmed that Strafford, along with all other passengers on the flight, had been written to personally with an apology and an offer of counselling. “They can sodding well whistle if they think I’m settling for that” said Strafford “If some fat bint can get five grand for slipping on an office floor, like in that advert, this must be a goldmine.”

A relative of Strafford, who wished to remain nameless, confirmed his history of breathtaking ingratitude. “Paul’s always been the same” said the anonymous twin brother. “I remember when I saved him from drowning when he was twelve, he banged on for two months about the shoe he’d lost in the river. He reckoned I should have dived back in to retrieve it, rather than ‘taking a breather in my wheelchair’.”

Strafford, who lectures in Unappreciative Shitbag Studies at Knutsford University, went on “I’ve hardly slept a wink since the accident. I manage six hours, maybe seven at most a night. That’s hardly fair, is it? And my coffee spilt over my trousers when the pilot was stopping us from turning into a hurtling metallic deathball. Well, they’re going to pay through the nose for it. How dare they?”

John Coward was unavailable for comment, but sources close to the pilot say his response to the news was “What? The cheeky fucking turd. I wish I’d used his bollocks for air brakes. Next time I hit a bit of turbulence, I’m parachuting the fuck out. Let them deal with it.”


Anonymous said...

I can't believe this man is sueing BA for the crash. He is lucky he is still alive! He should be grateful hope he gets nothing ungrateful bastard.

TurkishBob said...

Found this post while searching Google for 'paul strafford lecturer'. Sir, I salute you.

Anonymous said...

I agree with these comments. What a moneygrubber and dont forget the ambulance chasing lawyers

Anonymous said...

"Found this post while searching Google for 'paul strafford lecturer'. Sir, I salute you."

Same here, and I agree. I was hoping to find his e-mail address and ask him what the bloody hell he thinks he's playing at, but maybe just linking this article will be just as pertinent.

Gorilla Bananas said...

BA should be careful about whose life they save in future. I am always very careful not to save the life of a baboon, even accidentally. They are very litigious.

Anonymous said...

I consider that the chappy driving the wheelchair should be "Sued" for saving the ungratful money-grabbin' git in the first place, he deserves that! But there yer go, I'm not biased.

Anon DD