Monday, 18 February 2008

Music Poll Reveals General Public ‘Are Fucking Idiots’

'You Deserve Fucking Coldplay' Says Expert

After ‘Definitely Maybe’ came top in Q magazine’s Greatest British Album poll, music expert Larry Ebbsfleet has said “This proves, incontrovertibly, that Great Britain is awash with lumpen, cloth-eared morons who couldn’t spot a tune with three hands and a floodlight.”

Oasis was an overwhelmingly popular band in the poll, with ‘What’s The Story Morning Glory’ coming second, and two further of the band’s albums in the poll. “I mean, actually what the fuck?” asked Ebbsfleet. “They’re a frigging pub band with an unhealthy penchant for ripping off the Beatles. They’re ELO without the violins. Their second album has a song that apes Gary Glitter. A paedo, for christ’s sake. What’s wrong with these people?”

“And you try whistling anything off their other two albums. Go on, I’ll wait.” Ebbsfleet continued.

Other surprise entries were Keane’s ‘Under The Iron Sea’ at number eight, causing Ebbsfleet to scream incoherently for several minutes before shouting “This is what happens when middle-managers and suburban housewives are let anywhere near HMV. Keane is the sound of mildly upset toffs who’ve listened to too much Billy Joel. And don’t even get me started on that pug-faced twat.”

More established acts appeared in the top ten, with The Beatles’ Revolver reaching number four, but this was scant solace for Ebbsfleet. “Well, whoopy-fucking-cock. They voted two Beatles albums in the top ten. They even got that wrong. ‘Sgt Peppers’ isn’t a patch on 'The White Album', the ignorant pigbastards. Anyway, so what? Apparently the entire collected ouvre of The Rolling Stones, Nick Drake, Led Zeppelin and New Order aren’t a patch on the sodding Verve. I give up.”

Q magazine’s editor gave a more measured response to the results. “I think this poll shows that the Great British public has a deep and abiding love for voting for meaningless things. Our sales go up about 20% when we do stuff like this. And there’s the premium-rate phone lines to factor in, too. Coining it in. I reckon we’ll do one next month – 50 best haircuts in pop, something like that. You could make it anything – ‘Top 50 songs with a ‘f’ in the title' – and people would still vote in droves. They’re like children, really.”

The awards ceremony for Q’s album poll is due in some West End place this weekend, with Justin Lee Fucking Collins probably giving out the gongs.


Anonymous said...

Very funny, and exactly what I was thinking too...

Anonymous said...

Well you are right according to handling the general public with spoon fed media to tickle their fancy.

I do however feel that your comments toward Oasis as a band is a bit naive. There is vibes that has been passed on by the Beatles with most bands, but a character of the Gallagher brothers was one thing that was not present at the time. All to it's own, but I would rank both bands at the top of my list from the start of their careers, not the finishing albums.

People need something to latch onto for security, comfort, etc. I'll be clinging to British rock till I'm old and grey.