Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Cancer Link Proves Existence Of God

"Put It On Vibrate" To Become 11th Commandment, Says Expert

Research by Tel Aviv University scientists that shows a link between heavy mobile phone usage and increased risk of cancer has “Categorically proven there is a God.” according to one expert.

The study, recently published in The American Journal Of Epidemiology, showed a 50% rise in salivary gland cancer in frequent mobile phone users. Science person Eric Ebbsfleet stated “This goes a long way to proving the power of prayer to a just, almighty and rather angry God. Clearly, many millions of reasonable people have reached the end of their collective tethers after being forced to earwig the endless fucking prattle of thoughtless turds. This has prompted them, usually through gritted teeth, to pray for some higher power to riddle the offender with tumours.”

Ebbsfleet claims that by smiting phone users with such a rare and virulent form of cancer, God is sending out a very clear message – “Nobody wants to hear your inconsequential fucking babble on the train or in the pub. Whatever it is you’re talking about – who you snogged in Chaser’s nightclub on Saturday, your opinions on last weekend’s football, the latest developments in Eastenders – stow it until you get home.”

When asked whether Ebbsfleet’s three pending assault charges – in all cases the victims were allegedly clubbed around the head with their own Nokia – were examples of God’s will, he replied “He moves in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform. Especially if I’m trying to read my sodding book on the train in peace.”

Ebbsfleet feels that the study could also prompt further research into whether being an obnoxious, racist prick-end in public can increase the likelihood of having a massive stroke at a young age. “Clearly, anecdotal evidence suggests otherwise. Bernard Manning and Enoch Powell both lived to ripe old ages, and Mel Gibson doesn’t look a day over 45. But if we can publish an easily-understood paper that suggests it might, the effects on everyday life would be tremendous.”

Aiming his proposed research paper at Daily Mail readers, Ebbsfleet has suggested the title “Say the word coon one more time and you’re dead.”

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