Monday, 25 February 2008

Care Home Investigation Reveals ‘Shocking Lack Of Abuse’

'It Was Nothing Like A Scene From Dickens' Says Stunned Inspector

State inspectors looking into allegations made against a children’s home in Knutsford have found “An almost unbelievable lack of neglect, mismanagement or fiddling.”

Inpectors descended onto the children’s home in the early hours of Sunday morning, prepared with dozens of counsellors, minibuses to bundle away traumatised youths and a box full of ‘Show Me Where They Touched You’ dolls. However, the scene that met them when they arrived was, in the words of one inspector “A breathtaking display of compassion, warmth and support.”

“In twenty years of doing this job, I’ve never seen anything like it.” said managing inspector Annie Ebbsfleet. “Every time we looked into a new room, there were further examples of hand-painted murals, comfortable furniture and in the main office there were even letters of thanks from former residents. Nothing can prepare you for stuff like this.”

“At first it seemed like an ordinary child abuse swoop. All the kids were huddled in one room, crying and shaking. We were all ready to ferry the children away to temporary foster homes across the country, severing ties with their friends so they’d not be reminded of the systematic sexual abuse they’d suffered. But it soon became apparent their distress was due to us kicking the doors in and subduing all the staff with a baton charge.”

Once the situation had calmed down and the children had been seperately interviewed, the full truth came to light. “We employed our standard interview technique. The kids were spoken to seperately in a room full of unfamiliar care-giving professionals. We told them that they could tell us anything – had they been starved? Beaten, perhaps? Had any grownup pushed something up their bottoms? I then roleplayed a brutal shower rape to see if it rung any bells with any of the kids. But not a dicky bird. It was quite extraordinary.”

Ebbsfleet said that investigations were not yet complete, but early indications seem to suggest that the home offered professional, caring support to vulnerable youths in a clean, safe environment and was staffed by hard-working, dedicated individuals. “It’s only a matter of time, though. Maybe there’s asbestos in the roof or they’re fiddling their taxes. There’s always something. If not, there’s a nursing home down the road and they’re always good for a bit of neglect. It’s not all doom and gloom.”

1 comment:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Ebbsfleet, Ebbsfleet... who is this utter arsehead?