Tuesday, 26 February 2008

‘Cheer The Fuck Up’ says GP

'There Was No Prozac In The Blitz, You Weedy Bastards" Patients Advised

The British Council Of General Practitioners have urged the public to ‘Stop bloody moping and get on with things’ following new clinical research into the effectiveness of antidepressants.

The research was carried out by Hull University, primarily on the principle that if you want to study mountains you go to Austria, so if you want to study depressed people Hull is as good a place as any. The research concluded that the drugs only work on severely depressed patients, with placebo tablets having the same affect on less serious cases.

Senior GP Spencer Ebbsfleet explained the results of the research. “This confirms a conversation I have in my surgery at least eight times a day. There is a vast, yawning chasm of a difference between depression and merely being a bit fed up. Many of my patients come into my office blithely stating they’re depressed like they’re Raj fucking Persaud or something.

However, when I ask them whether their soul feels like a churning pit of emptiness, whether the only thing preventing a suicide attempt is a crippling sense of lethargy or whether all joy has been sucked out of their life and been replaced with a stultifying numbness, they usually say ‘no’. It’s usually that they’ve had a row with the missus or somebody in work is being a bit of a bitch to them.”

Ebbsfleet applauded the research findings, saying “At last I’ll have something to fling in their faces before rowing them out of my office. For 95% of patients complaining of depression I can now prescribe losing a bit of weight, possibly starting a new hobby, but certainly snapping the fuck out of it and leaving me alone so I can treat actually, properly sick people.”

GlaxoSmithKline, in a press statement that surprised precisely nobody, disagreed with the findings. “Look, the stuff might make you impotent, constipated and suicidal. But we shift millions of the little buggers every day, so if you think we’re going to tell people to stop taking them, you must be twice as mad as the fuckers who take Seroxat in the first place.”

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

u funny