“Keep Your Filthy Paws Off Our Women” Immigrants Warned

New Arrivals "Better Mind Their P's & Q's" Minister Warns

An information pack for newly-arrived immigrants has been proposed by Communities Secretary Hazel Blears, in order to “Notify these dreadful people that they’re on civilised soil now and whatever passed for acceptable behaviour back in umbo-jungo land won’t be tolerated by decent British people.”

“I don’t think anyone can reasonably deny that foreigners are going to come over here, whatever our deeply-held reservations are about the whole sordid affair.” Ms Blears continued “But if they think they’re going to waltz down my street and manhandle my daughters, they’ve got a shock coming, I can tell you.”

The information pack will also be available as a DVD because, as Ms Blears explained “Half of them can’t even read, you know, but they’re never short of a wide screen television and an Xbox, are they? And who pays for all that? You, me and every other Joe Muggins that drag themselves to work every day, that’s who.”

The information pack will contain the following advice:

· Keep your bloody hands off our women or you’ll have some sense thrashed into you, you damned savage.
· Stay away from the firewater if you plan on driving a car. You know how it inflames your baser instincts.
· For goodness’ sake close your windows when you’re cooking. Half the street won’t want to smell whatever spicy-smelling swill that passes for food in your godforsaken region.
· You will respect the law in this land, by thunder and you’ll show proper deference for your betters.
· Turn off that awful racket that you dare to call music. Britons have no time for your rhythmic, gyrating cacophony. Go to your local library and ask (POLITELY, mind you) to be directed to the Vaughn Williams albums.
· Learn the lingo. I refuse to debase my mouth with that gibberish of yours.
· Keep. Your. Bloody. Hands. Off. Our. Women. I can’t make it any clearer than that. You’ve been warned.