Friday, 15 February 2008

Ombudsman Opens Competition For Buying Shite

Return To 'Open All Hours Economy' Promised

The Competition Commission looking into the monopoly major supermarkets have over grocery buying in the UK have promised a fundamental shake-up, promising consumers “There should be more options for buying your drooling brats their dinosaur-shaped chips.”

Currently in the UK, the four major supermarkets account for three-quarters of the sales of microwaveable cheeseburgers, Tizer-flavoured cereal and sugary pop with Pingu on the bottle. Under new Commission guidelines, every consumer would have the choice of at least two dozen outlets to trawl their mewling spawn around.

“Healthy competition is the hallmark of a thriving economy” said Commission director Ting Ebbsfleet. “At the moment, grocery shopping is almost exclusively in the hands of the four major supermarkets. This forces the public to buy a dizzying array of competitively-priced goods in clean, efficient, well-staffed shops. New legislation would see the resurgence of independently-run local shops, run by surly harridans selling overpriced tins of out-of-date haslet.”

Tesco have hit back at the news by launching a new customer-loyalty scheme. “In addition to our Tesco Points system, any customer spending more than £30 can get pissed as a raccoon in our booze aisle for free.” said Tesco marketing manager Jay Arthur. “Simply present your till receipt to a member of staff at the drinks aisle and you can get yourself cunted on as much Boddingtons as you like. Seriously, go mad. It’s on us.”

Other chains are launching similar loyalty schemes, such as Asda’s “Hand Job From Our Cleaner” campaign and Sainsbury’s “Free Otter With Every Purchase” promotion.

When asked whether The Big Four were worried about the Commission’s plan to open up competition, a consortium spokesman commented “Our manifest destiny shall not be denied. The Commission will soon find that those who attempt to thwart us shall be utterly destroyed. The future belongs to us! Our triumph shall be absolute! DEATH TO THE UNBELIEVERS!!!” before cackling maniacally for five minutes.

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