Thursday, 7 February 2008

Tube Drivers Demand “A Diamond The Size Of A Rugby Ball”

RMT Insist That Members Need "More Money Than You Could Count In A Lifetime"

Negotiations with London Underground drivers broke down last night after RMT representatives demanded “A tropical island near Mauritius, a diamond the size of a human head and diverse other trinkets, sweetmeats and fancies.”

TFL chief Jed Ebbsfleet said “We feel their requests are becoming increasingly unreasonable. Just six months ago, we granted tube drivers ermine uniforms and first go on senior manager’s daughters. And last year, we bowed to their demands for a Picasso for every driver and three weeks paid holiday in Vegas, with hotel rooms & hookers thrown in. We want to work with the union to reach an agreement but I don’t see how that can be achieved.”

Tube train workers are currently in the top two percentile in terms of pay in the country, with an average wage exceeding that of the CEO of Shell, Jonathan Ross and Lewis Hamilton.

The RMT were adamant, however, that negotiations were actually concerned with issues of safety. “We must protect the wellbeing of our staff” said RMT spokesman Gordon Riot. “Tube drivers do a very stressful and difficult job. It’s not just sitting in a cab, letting the automated system propel the train in a straight line while they read The Daily Sport and scratch their balls. Regardless of the staggeringly overwhelming evidence to the contrary.”

Riot went on to say that the TFL were asking staff to work upwards of six hours a day, often alone without any mates to have a natter with or leer at women together. He also criticised TFL’s use of agency staff – “It’s a well-known fact that agency staff get paid well above the going rate in any line of work. If anybody’s going to get extra wedge, it’s going to be our members. I mean, fair’s fair.”

RMT has balloted its members on strike action. The leaked communication was sent to all members in an email entitled “Let’s see what a week of having to drag their arses into work on the bus will do to the miserable fuckers.” The balloting options were listed as:

A: Carry on working for a frigging fortune, if that’s what you want.
B: Grind the capital to a halt and screw money out of them until their eyes squeak.

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