Monday, 11 February 2008

Camden Fire Caused By ‘Unattended Winehouse’

'Whole Area Will Smell Of Burnt Hemp For Weeks' Say Officials

Investigators looking into the blaze that tore through Camden market on Saturday evening have said there are indications it could have started by an unattended Amy Winehouse.

“It’s early days” said fire chief Sarah Ebbsfleet “But there are strong indications that the fire was due to an unattended celebrity, quite possibly an Amy Winehouse.” Cans of hairspray and old Stax records have been identified as accelerants in the fire, prompting the theory that it was sparked by an unsupervised Winehouse.

“This just highlights once again the dangers of improperly administered celebrities. Stars are highly volatile and if they’re not properly handled, a smoldering actor can explode without warning. I’ve seen footage of a Russell Crowe going off in Cannes and he took the face off a PA who was standing nearby.” said Ebbsfleet.

The Camden blaze was an accident waiting to happen, according to Ebbsfleet. “We’ve been warning people for several years about the irresponsible dumping of celebrities in the Camden area, especially The Hawley Arms. On just one evening shift, we had to remove Johnny Borrell, Sadie Frost and a couple of Gallaghers. All it would have taken is the spark from one paparazzo’s flashbulb and the whole place would have been destroyed.”

Local residents have been urged to stay away from the market after several dreadlocked trustafarians were seen taking hits of the smouldering wreckage before babbling on earnestly about Bob Marley for eight hours straight.

Ebbsfleet said the fire is now under control but issued safety tips to stop such an incident happening again:

· Never stack multiple celebrities in a confined space. They should be stored separately in dedicated Winnebagos / trailers.
· Do not approach a celebrity that appears heated or smouldering. Even if the celebrity appears harmless they may have a bodyguard that could twist your spine so it looks like an ampersand drawn by a chimp.
· Never leave celebrities unattended. If left alone, they can cause untold damage, especially to hotel rooms.

Meanwhile in the US, fire investigators have still to confirm whether a California blaze that killed eight people was caused by a runner offering an A-list actor a glass of tap water.

1 comment:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Is her bush a fire hazard then? If so, Brazilians should be compulsory.