“Don’t Hurry Back” Obama Tells Clinton

President Elect To “Muddle Through Without Hillary”

On the day Barack Obama named Hillary Clinton as his Secretary Of State when he takes office next year, the president elect said “This is a vital role in a new government dedicated to change. We need somebody who will travel to some of the most dangerous places on the planet and will often be away for months at a time. As soon as I read that job description, I immediately thought of Mrs Clinton.”

As America waits to see whether Obama lives up to his election promises, he has already announced a radical and intensive timetable for his Secretary Of State. “I don’t want to see her anywhere near the White House for at least 18 months” Obama told journalists. “She can send me postcards if she likes, but I’ll be warning US border patrols not to let her back into the US until late 2010 at the earliest.”

“The world is a dangerous, troubled and frightening place and I feel America has a responsibility to engage with these countries as closely as possible” continued Obama. “For that reason, I have compiled a list of the twenty most troubled spots on Earth and Hillary will be going to them all. Sierra Leone, Afghanistan, East Timor – the lot. If there’s a place where amphetamine-fuelled teenagers roam the countryside armed with machetes and AK47s, then I want Mrs Clinton to be there to meet them.”

Concerned with America’s image abroad as a bullying, polluting big brother, Obama has also decreed that Mrs Clinton must use local transport when travelling abroad and has not been allocated any security personnel. “I think the world is tired of seeing Americans arriving in their country armed to the teeth, throwing their weight around” he said “So for that reason, Hillary’s not even going to be allowed to carry a steel comb when she meets with some of the world’s most violent despots.”

Hillary Clinton has yet to comment on her new role, but one insider claims she reacted by saying “So while I’m ducking bullets in some fly-strewn hellhole, he’s smiling for the cameras and shaking hands with Bono. Great. Meanwhile, Bill’s probably going to be elbow-deep in chubby secretary poon. I hate politics.”

Assassins Await Result Of Super Tuesday

'Super Tuesday Is Shooter Tuesday', Says Spokesman

With Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton neck & neck in the US primaries going into Super Tuesday, the American Supremacist Sons (ASS) are feverishly anticipating who, if eventually elected president, they will mow down in a hail of bullets.

ASS are a loosely-affiliated organisation based in Alabama, whose mission statement reads: “We cherish the inalienable right of every Satan-hating American man to do whatever he goddamn pleases without some pinko, woman or spook interfering with our bidness.”

Chad Ebbsfleet, Utmost Grand Sorcerer for ASS, said “It sure is some exciting times in politics right now. Most people in Yankee states don’t want another good old boy in the White House, what with him killing a few sand-niggers and all. Seems like the Dem-o-crats are gonna get themselves a president. Our members are real divided on who they wanna gun down.

See, on the one hand we don’t wanna be pushed around by some farm boy. On minute we’re giving them the right to vote, next minute people are voting for them. Don’t make no sense. But on t’other hand, having the country run by some screeching les-bee-en? That dog won’t hunt.”

Ebbsfleet stated that the choice between assassination targets has exposed deep divisions in ASS. “Well, some of our members don’t like the idea of having to draw a bead on that boy Barack. Looks like a real limber sonofabitch and a lot of our boys have got the shakes from the DT’s. But for others, shooting a woman just don’t sit right. Don’t seem gentlemanly, if you take my drift.”

Despite some reservations, however, Ebbsfleet says ASS will make good on their promises should either Obama or Clinton be voted president. “I’ll accept the head of the supreme armed forces being some pantyhose-wearing femmy-nist or some uppity negra the day they prise my shotgun from my cold, dead, tobacco-stained hands.”

Ebbsfleet gave his interview from the State court in Birmingham, Alabama, where he faces 213 charges of racially-aggravated assault, arson and harassment. “Seriously” said State prosecutor Cray Turner “This guy is one major fuck-head.”