Tuesday, 2 December 2008

“Don’t Hurry Back” Obama Tells Clinton

President Elect To “Muddle Through Without Hillary”

On the day Barack Obama named Hillary Clinton as his Secretary Of State when he takes office next year, the president elect said “This is a vital role in a new government dedicated to change. We need somebody who will travel to some of the most dangerous places on the planet and will often be away for months at a time. As soon as I read that job description, I immediately thought of Mrs Clinton.”

As America waits to see whether Obama lives up to his election promises, he has already announced a radical and intensive timetable for his Secretary Of State. “I don’t want to see her anywhere near the White House for at least 18 months” Obama told journalists. “She can send me postcards if she likes, but I’ll be warning US border patrols not to let her back into the US until late 2010 at the earliest.”

“The world is a dangerous, troubled and frightening place and I feel America has a responsibility to engage with these countries as closely as possible” continued Obama. “For that reason, I have compiled a list of the twenty most troubled spots on Earth and Hillary will be going to them all. Sierra Leone, Afghanistan, East Timor – the lot. If there’s a place where amphetamine-fuelled teenagers roam the countryside armed with machetes and AK47s, then I want Mrs Clinton to be there to meet them.”

Concerned with America’s image abroad as a bullying, polluting big brother, Obama has also decreed that Mrs Clinton must use local transport when travelling abroad and has not been allocated any security personnel. “I think the world is tired of seeing Americans arriving in their country armed to the teeth, throwing their weight around” he said “So for that reason, Hillary’s not even going to be allowed to carry a steel comb when she meets with some of the world’s most violent despots.”

Hillary Clinton has yet to comment on her new role, but one insider claims she reacted by saying “So while I’m ducking bullets in some fly-strewn hellhole, he’s smiling for the cameras and shaking hands with Bono. Great. Meanwhile, Bill’s probably going to be elbow-deep in chubby secretary poon. I hate politics.”

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