Tuesday, 23 December 2008

The Least Shit Of Push Jelly, 2008

Entire Christmas Top 40 To Consist Of ‘Hallelujah’ Covers
Non-buoyant ex-alive crooner Jeff Buckley is expected to take the number two spot with his version and Cohen himself is tipped to be in the number three spot, making the Christmas edition of Top Of The Pops “Downright fucking weird” according to pointless DJ Dr Fox. “Normally on the Xmas TOTP, the bands will have a bit of a mess around, maybe drape some tinsel over their drumkit. This year we’re going to have a walking octogenarian suicide note, a waterlogged corpse and a human loud hailer. Roy Wood dyeing his beard red seems like a blessed relief in comparison.”

UK Cinema Audiences “One Big Hen Party”
One company is set to offer an alternative, however, with the opening of their “Wahey!” chain of cinemas. It aims to only show films with a death count of above fifteen, and will promise a high Jason Statham quotient. Interactive buttons in cinema seats will also offer audiences the chance to freeze frame any scenes featuring Jessica Alba drenched in water. Opening in the Spring, its first roster of films will include “Naked Car Chase”, “DeathFucker III” and “BANG!”

Paris Bombs “Effortlessly Chic” Say Police
French police fear that the attack is just the start of a bombing campaign by the group and have warned “Maybe it is better for you English to stay at home with your rain and your grey food, rather than visiting Paris. We do not wish for your pale, lumpy women to be in any danger, yes? Unless it is your Keira Knightley that wishes to visit. She is, as we say, ‘un ride exceptional’, is she not?”

100 Countries Pledge To Kill People Differently
“It’s an amazing day in the history of mass slaughter” said treaty author Jens Ebbsfleet. “In the future, armies will have the button marked ‘Cluster Bomb’ in the cockpit of their terrifying war machines covered up with gaffer tape. They will have to use the button slightly to the right marked ‘Hot Shrapnel Death’ instead.”

Offenders To Wear ‘Payback, Mothafucka’ Vest

Starting in January 2009, offenders completing community service orders will have to do so wearing a series of high-visibility vests that punk them like a bitch. The dayglo orange tabards will carry phrases such as “Pick That Shit Up, Fool”, “Don’t Make Me Remand Your Ass All Up In Custody” and “You Some Weak, Repeat-Offending Bitch”.

“Men. They’re Such Beasts.” Says Smith
Taking a break from rocking gently in a corner and screaming at her reflection in the mirror, gibbering Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has called for licensing laws to be updated for lapdancing clubs, as “I fail to understand how having a surgically-enhanced Eastern European teenager grind her buttocks in your face like she’s chewing a caramel with them could appeal to anyone.”

CBI 10-Point Plan Unveiled
5: Motivational speakers to give the pound daily pep talks. Key phrases such as “Who’s that handsome son-of-a-currency?”, “Way to fluctuate against the dollar, big P!” and “Who the pound? YOU the pound!” to be barked at currency reserves around the clock.

BNP Members Can “Go & Shite” Say Amnesty
After the personal details of 10,000 BNP members were posted on the internet, human rights activists have been quick to assert that the collection of neo-nazis, crackpots and morons can “Throw their cocks at a flying sex doll if they think they’re getting any help from us.”

“High School Musical. Screen 4. Now Piss Off”
The cinema chain piloted the scheme last year which was an overwhelming success. “People were queuing up for the child-free screenings. Most of them didn’t even want to see the film that was being shown.” As one customer involved in the pilot stated “If it means I can sit in peace for a couple of hours without having dozens of little fuckers chase each other across my line of vision, I’ll even sit through something with Meg Ryan in it.”

Catholic Church Buys Out Anglicans
“I thought my place at God’s right hand was safe with the Anglicans” said Missie Luther, a long-time Anglican customer. “I think it’s disgusting that they gave us no warning of what was happening. Only last Sunday, I was chatting to the vicar and he didn’t say a word. All the time he must have known I was going to hell while he walks away scot free. I should have pissed in his tea, the lying Turk.”

Labour Policies “Retro” Claims Brown
Gordon Brown underlined the government’s pledge to 1980s-style policymaking by revealing “In Downing Street we have a Rubik’s cube with key words painted on each square – “Prudent”, “Security”, “Partnership”, “Timely” – and so on. Whenever we make a new policy announcement, we get Ed Balls to play with the Rubik’s cube for ten minutes and read off the resultant message.”

Kay “Has Go At Orphans” For Next Show
“Peter showed in last night’s show that he really is a man of the people, and as such has no issue with sneering at the working classes who dream of a better life for themselves and enter reality shows as a way of doing this. He’s a down-to-earth Lancashire lad that just happens to be richer than Croesus’ accountant so when he mocks basically-decent, working class people whose lifestyles or opinions he no longer has to live alongside, it’s done with love. With “Britain’s Got…”, the former City Life & So You Think You’re Funny winner warm-heartedly poked fun at those who enter talent competitions to further their careers.

Ryan Reynolds ‘Luckiest Bastard Alive’
Firetrap believes that by marrying Johansson, Reynolds has secured his place as Tinseltown’s leading lucky swine. “The facts speak for themselves” said Firetrap. “Reynolds looks like a cross between a date-raping frat boy and child’s drawing of Ben Affleck. Then there’s his acting. He has all the screen charisma of a suppurating sore and that’s reflected in a film CV that could be bought for £1.67 if you rummaged through enough bins in Blockbusters.”

“On face value, he should be playing ‘Satisfied customer #2’ in a regional carpet warehouse commercial. But instead he’s ludicrously wealthy and, as we speak, he’s probably being blown by one of the fittest women on the planet with a cocaine-coated finger rammed up his jacksie. No fucking justice, is there?”

Johnson Promises ‘Porn For All’
However, one psychologist has warned of the dangers of a syndrome he dubs “Passive Wanking”. Ron Ebbsfleet, Professor of One-Handed Studies at Knutsford University, stated “The enjoyment of really good grumble in the privacy of one’s home, maybe involving yellow play or light genital branding, is perfectly harmless. But millions of people simultaneously shuffling away like demented banjo players could have a domino effect, leaving the whole country engulfed in a listless state of wank daftness that could destroy the economy and perhaps life as we know it.”

‘Creationist’ Scientist To Be Burnt Alive
Dawkins himself is expected to attend the burning, taking time off from his tour of punching every bishop in the UK in the mouth. “Any science teacher worth his salt would piss in the eye of a kid who started on Creationism” said Dawkins “These Jesus-peddlers are no more than a bunch of intolerant shagrats. Kill all of ‘em and let random interplay of atoms decide, I say.”

US Commemorates 9/11 By Kicking Muslims To Death
A parade is planned down 42nd Street and will feature floats depicting a blindfolded Iraqi prisoner being pistol-whipped, an exploding mosque and a laughing George Bush shitting onto a copy of the Koran.

Recession Will “Weed Out The Arseholes” Says Darling
Home Fuel Prices: “Many may say that energy suppliers seem to have plucked a figure out of the air, multiplied it by seven, added their daughter’s age then whacked it on to the top of your gas bill. They may well be right, as I haven’t bothered to check. If you think I’m going to cross your average Russian oil trillionaire, you must think I have ‘twat’ sewn into my underpants.”

"How Do You Want Threatening?" Asks BBC
The BBC Trust is to start a consultation of license-payers to discuss what tactics the broadcaster should employ in browbeating terrified pensioners into parting with their cash. After a motion in parliament criticised the BBC for acting "Like a Bermondsey loan shark with a three-day hangover" in its methods of fee recovery, the BBC is to set up various Q&A sessions with the public to assess the preferred way of demanding money with menaces.

Palin Tops 2008 ‘Hate Fuck’ Poll

FHM editor Chester Ebbsfleet explained Palin’s love/hate appeal to readers. “Her hatefulness is there for all to see – she’s virulently anti-abortion, opposes gay marriage and believes in creationism. Frankly, she makes the Pope sound like Marilyn Manson.”

“But on the other hand she looks like one them ones from ‘Desperate Housewives’ and we reckon that once the bedroom door closes she’s absolute fucking filth. Strap-ons, rimming, reverse lemon pie, the lot.’”

Millions To Be Arrested For Brown Assassination Plans
“I bought my house five years ago for a sum of money that would make Bill Gates choke on his fucking cornflakes, and it hasn’t even got an upstairs bathroom. I tried to sell it last month and some Kouros-stinking little cunt of an estate agent comes round and tells me he’ll take it off my hands for £30 for scrap value. If that Caledonian cockpump Brown comes into my boozer I’ll beat him to death with Harriet Harman, I tell you.”

Obama Has Sex With Marilyn Monroe
This is the latest step in Senator Obama’s campaign to become the new Kennedy, which has included a visit to Berlin, his wife dressing like Jackie Kennedy and his inevitable assassination early in his presidency. His brother, Knut Obama, has been reported as saying “If anyone thinks I’m running for president after Barack gets shot, they can jump in the nearest river and fuck a passing trout.”

British Gas Sends Turd To Every Customer
“You will have found enclosed in the envelope a freshly-wrapped chunk of my digestion. We would ask all customers to carefully unwrap the parcel, pop it in a microwave for thirty seconds, then BITE DOWN ON MY FUCKING SHIT, YOU WORMS! EAT IT! EAT ALL OF IT! SCUM! YOU’RE ALL SCUM & I’LL CHARGE YOU WHAT THE CUNT I LIKE! AAAAHAHAHAAA!!!”

Alternative Medicine Is “Utter Bilge” Court Rules
“Coming to court today, I used the internal combustion engine, an MP3 player and a mobile phone.” said Justice Ebbsfleet. “At no point did I feel the need to mount a rickshaw with a lute player and fire off a carrier pigeon with a note wrapped around its leg. The middle ages, which most of these ‘cures’ seem to originate from, was a time of pig-ignorance, poor hygiene and death by the age of thirty. Anybody who thinks a bottle of echinacea and an account with their local organic greengrocers is going to stop them getting sick is, frankly, a moron.”

Deluded Youths Gather In Sydney
Pope Benedict XVI kicked of World Youth Day in Sydney this morning by telling the massed 200,000 teenagers “To think, you are in the sunniest, most laid-back city on the planet. You could be naked, drunk and having sex on surfboard. But no, you have decided to listen to an old Nazi tell you that you’re all evil. God Bless you all.”

Ronaldo To Remake TV Show ‘Roots’
After watching the DVD of ‘Roots’ on his 52-foot widescreen television, Ronaldo started to see parallels to his own life. In ‘Roots’, Kunta Kinte is dragged as a teenager from his homeland and forced to work under a cruel master. “That was just like me” said Ronaldo. “Although admittedly, the Lear Jet that flew me from Sporting to Manchester United wasn’t packed with 150 other players sleeping head-to-toe.”

Church Of England To Allow Atheist Bishops
“The Bible is clear on a number of other issues. Not least of which is that women are just bloody awful. Look, it says here in Corinthians: ‘Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak’. But try telling that to parishioners these days and you’ll get a size four Jimmy Choo in your clackers.”

Badger Cull Quashed By Whimsical Comedians

Ebbsfleet went on in this vein for some time before coming to the explanation as to why the badger was so important to SUCKS. “After watching a couple of comedy DVDs – Bill Bailey, Harry Hill, stuff like that – we thought that it’d be great to get onstage and anthropomorphise various woodland creatures. At the very least, we thought it would be quicker than writing routines with actual jokes in them.”

House Prices Now “Merely Staggeringly Ridiculous”
When asked what he meant by ‘market forces’, Ebbsfleet replied “Market forces are, and I can’t stress this clearly enough, the subtle trends, factors and influences that compel banks to make you leap through shit-smeared hoops, while they cackle and light cigars with £50 notes of your money. All because you’ve grown tired of handing over all your wages to a greasy twat in a suit for the privilege of living in a grotty hovel that you’ll never own.”

John Leslie To Stand As Labour MP
An inside source stated “They’ve already lined up John Leslie, as they feel he can be very persuasive in compelling people to do painful things they really don’t want to do, like voting Labour. They want a man that can handle pressurised situations, such as being accused of a series of disgusting, aggressive sexual assaults. And importantly, he does look good in a suit.”

Burrell “Didn’t Even Get Tops & Fingers” Say Palace
Burrell even claimed to have had sex with Diana during an official visit to Great Ormond Street hospital. “We were visiting some kids that had limbs missing. Landmines or something. Anyway, Diana whispered that all these pre-teen amputees were making her really hot. The next minute I’m balls-deep in royal poon in a cleaning cupboard.”

Hyde Park Bukkake Protest “A Success” Say Organisers
A Face Full Of Love is hoping to mount further protest rallies across the globe, with rumours of celebrity endorsements from Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Kate Moss amongst others. “We had Jade Goody calling to offer her services” said Ebbsfleet “But we had to say no. I’d do anything to save this planet, but there are limits. She looks like a fist full of jelly, for fuck’s sake.”

Halle Berry Child Name Outrage
But one celebrity did come to Berry’s defence. Bob Geldof, father of Fifi Trixibelle, Pixie Frou Frou & Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily, said “Feck off and leave the poor wee girl alone. There’s nothing fecking wrong wth a name like Dave. Sure, I’d have called the kids Mary, Theresa and Josephine if it wasn’t for the dead missus. What with the coke and the booze and the Australian cock, she had no clue what she was doing. I think she thought she was naming types of Laura Ashley fabric, meself.”

NHS Researchers Recommend “Lots Of Sex With NHS Researchers”
In an online article published by NHS Direct, members of the public are advised to start an exercise regime that includes “Lots of commitment-free, anonymous sex with NHS researchers.” In the article, entitled “My Cock Holds The Key To Wellbeing”, NHS Direct readers are advised to “Eat healthily, avoid alcohol & tobacco and have regular health checkups. Also, if you’re a female between the ages of 18 and 35 you should email us for some enthusiastic humping.”

Tory Plan To “Stop Bloody Commoners Enjoying Themselves”
The main part of his proposal is a taxation hike on drinks such as alcopops, strong beer and cider. “Basically anything you see these dreadful proles passing around to each other in shop doorways. My maid left a bottle of the wretched brew behind after I fired her for refusing to sit on my knee for ‘special cuddles’. I tried a sip and promptly regurgitated it all over the Persian rug. The damned stuff tasted like battery acid mixed with Lucozade. No wonder the underclass is so prickly all the time if that’s all they have to drink.”

T4 Presenter Fired For Sincerity
Ebbsfleet soon came into conflict with the show’s producer’s for “Not introducing yet another repeat of ‘Friends’ like he was doing the nation an enormous favour.” His diction also came under fire, as “He would not affect a drawling, bone-idle accent that his colleagues had perfected after years of hoovering gak in some godawful nightspot while a random Geldof played her frigging ipod over the main speakers.”

Home Secretary Completely Loses Plot
Jacqui Smith announced her white paper whilst bouncing on a space hopper with “Heroin is rubbish” scrawled across it in magic marker. The chief Labour whip, when asked to explain her increasingly illogical behaviour, rolled his eyes and said “I know, what’s she like, eh? T’chah.”

Gascoigne ‘No Longer Funny’
Gascoigne has had a eventful life, with many experts dubbing him ‘The most talented England midfielder ever to make an advert with Gary Lineker’. Gascoigne’s England career, in which he scored a whopping one goal more than Colin Bell, is best remembered for the Italia 90 semifinal against Germany. Having been properly punished for something he shouldn’t have actually done, Gascoigne realised he wouldn’t be able to appear in a match England never actually played in. When the true enormity of the hypothetical situation sunk in, Gascoigne famously abandoned the duties he’d been put onto the pitch to do and started crying. Thus a legend was born.

Music Poll Reveals General Public ‘Are Fucking Idiots’
After ‘Definitely Maybe’ came top in Q magazine’s Greatest British Album poll, music expert Larry Ebbsfleet has said “This proves, incontrovertibly, that Great Britain is awash with lumpen, cloth-eared morons who couldn’t spot a tune with three hands and a floodlight.”

Ombudsman Opens Competition For Buying Shite
Tesco have hit back at the news by launching a new customer-loyalty scheme. “In addition to our Tesco Points system, any customer spending more than £30 can get pissed as a raccoon in our booze aisle for free.” said Tesco marketing manager Jay Arthur. “Simply present your till receipt to a member of staff at the drinks aisle and you can get yourself cunted on as much Boddingtons as you like. Seriously, go mad. It’s on us.”

Tube Drivers Demand “A Diamond The Size Of A Rugby Ball”
Negotiations with London Underground drivers broke down last night after RMT representatives demanded “A tropical island near Mauritius, a diamond the size of a human head and diverse other trinkets, sweetmeats and fancies.”

Protesting Commuters Eye New Target
The Customer Affairs spokesman for First Great Western was more pragmatic about today’s protest, however.
“They can get on the fucking trains, pay their fucking fares and keep their fucking mouths shut as far as we’re concerned. If we want to halve the number of carriages, double the fares or force commuters to chew copper wire for the length of their journey then we’ll do it and they’ll fucking well take it.
If they want us to improve our service I suggest they go and try to shit out a diamond. Let’s see what happens first. I’d say they can like it or lump it but in truth they can fucking well loathe it or lump it. We’re here, we’ll do what the fuck we want and there’s tits-all they can do about it, the whining fucking pigs.”

HSBC Ordered To “Go Fuck Themselves”
In his summary, Judge Emsley Fox stated “While Mr Ebbsfleet’s suggestion of hand-shitting may have been unreasonable, it is our finding that HSBC’s actions over the past five years have been unprofessional, intimidatory and in many cases bloody childish. We rule that all charges against Mr Ebbsfleet’s account should be reimbursed forthwith. Furthermore, I order that HSBC go and take a running fuck at themselves, with immediate effect. If they fail to do so, I shall have no hesitation in further ordering that they shove their call centres up their arses.”
Judge Fox also recommended that Natwest should “Fuck right off as well.”

Ofcom Inundated By 'Whole Evening Of Shite' Complaints
"It's like an avalanche of hungry babies hitting a silage plant" he said. "We've turned the phones off but that's not stopped people throwing notes through the windows wrapped around frozen lumps of shit. As I speak, somebody has trained a kestrel to hover outside our office with the word 'wankers' painted on its wings."

Scientist Warns Public To Quit Eating
Dr Charles Ebbsfleet of the DoH stated "Over the years, we've found out that absolutely everything is bad for you – eggs, meat, dairy products, wheat – the lot. You don't even want to fucking know what we found out about carrots the other day. Seriously."

Brook Wins 'Most Wanked Over' Award
At a glitzy, glamorous, star-studded, glitzy, showbiz-studded awards ceremony last night, Kelly Brook was confirmed as Britain 's most wanked-over British female celebrity of 2007.


jimmy w said...

It's been a funny year, thanks!

Insults said...

What a year! So many things to be have had done and that, yeah. Lovely business.