Wednesday, 17 December 2008

UK Cinema Audiences “One Big Hen Party”

Odeon To Offer Male Strippers With Block Bookings

After news that Mamma Mia (the turgid musical about one woman’s discovery that her mother was quite the slag back in her youth) became the biggest-grossing film in British box office history, UK distributors are to stop ordering films with swearing, violence or any decent explosions.

“There’s little point in screening something with a really cool serial killer in it if most of the audience are just going to start squealing and asking their partners why they couldn’t have gone to something with Reese Witherspoon in it instead” said UK film person Rank Ebbsfleet.

“The last twelve months have seen the release of some truly excellent films about people wanting to shoot each other or blow each other up. But it seems we’d have been better employed just slinging a load of guff about relationships on the screen.”

Before Mamma Mia, the box office record was previously held by Titanic. “Now that actually showed some promise” said Ebbsfleet. “A big boat sinking would have been the perfect chance to show loads of people dying in excellent, inventive ways. But no, all we got was a sodding love story and Celine Dion. Ten quid to listen to Celine Dion, I ask you. You did get to see Winslet’s bumpers, though, so that was something.”

Following reports of Mamma Mia’s success, the Odeon chain of cinemas have ordered a revamp of its major outlets. From March of next year, discounts will be offered for parties of ten or more wearing tiaras and angel wings, the volume of films will be turned down as “it just doesn’t need to be that loud, for goodness’ sake” and the foyers will offer comfortable seating for shoeless hens to sob about their future spouses.

Film makers also look set to cash in, with Film Four starting production on “You Just Don’t Listen, Do You?”, starring Keira Knightley, Judi Dench and Colin Firth. It advertises itself as “A moving portrait of love lost through the ages, with Colin Firth appearing shirtless for no adequately justified reason in most of the scenes”. The soundtrack, by Dido, is also expected to top the charts.

One company is set to offer an alternative, however, with the opening of their “Wahey!” chain of cinemas. It aims to only show films with a death count of above fifteen, and will promise a high Jason Statham quotient. Interactive buttons in cinema seats will also offer audiences the chance to freeze frame any scenes featuring Jessica Alba drenched in water. Opening in the Spring, its first roster of films will include “Naked Car Chase”, “DeathFucker III” and “BANG!”


Anonymous said...

Its funny cos it might as well be true.

jimmy w said...

Deathfucker III, my kind of movie.

Anonymous said...

Colin Firth Shirtless??? I love Colin but he's never been that kind of actor. He's charming, smoldering and sexy. With his clothes own! I can't wait to see him shirtless!

Insults said...

I don't like it.

Shanna said...

“A moving portrait of love lost through the ages, with Colin Firth appearing shirtless for no adequately justified reason in most of the scenes”. I would be the first one in line. :~)

Anonymous said...

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