“Mugabe, Schmugabe” Says Tsvangirai

“What’s The Big Deal?” Asks Prime Minister About Mass Murderer

As Morgan Tsvangirai was sworn in as Zimbabwe’s new prime minister in a power-sharing government, he told press “You guys need to chill the fuck out about Bobby, okay? Look we’ve all made mistakes, said stuff we shouldn’t have, executed one political dissident too many. Life’s too short to hold grudges though, eh?”

In his first day in office, Tsvingarai stated that he faced “Immediate challenges that require immediate remedies. Our currency is worth less then the air expelled saying the word “Hyperinflation” and our government is riddled with crooks that The Big M knows nothing about, seriously. And the air conditioning in my office sounds like two robots buttfucking.”

The new prime minister warned the international community that “People need to get over Mugabe as a person. To you, he may seem like a gibbering lunatic with wacky views on homosexuality, democracy and not flinging opposition ministers into gorges. But having got to know him, I can say he’s a real sweet guy that makes a bitching mojito. And you should hear him on karaoke singing “Total Eclipse Of The Heart”. Helluva set of pipes.”

When asked why three secret service officers were holding pistols to his temple while a fourth held a set of notes under his face, Tsvangirai stated “These guys? Pay them no mind. Bobby M hired them to look after me. He said that if anyone tried to assassinate me, they’d be up real close. So these guys are keeping their guns next to my face so scare them away. Honestly. Could we change the subject, please?” He went on to dismiss claims that he was being forced to read a prepared statement by Mugabe, claiming the papers were being thrust under his nose because “I forgot to order a lectern. My bad.”

Mugabe praised Tsvingarai’s appointment, stating “This is a new day for the people of Zimbabwe. An era of trust and cooperation is upon us. I know I share my colleague’s fullest confidence as well as the support of his family, who are being housed in my maximum security enclave for their own protection.” He also refuted reports that news footage showed Tsvingarai mouthing the words “Please. Help. Me.” during his inauguration.