News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Ferguson Sues Strachan For Being ‘Scottish & Grumpy’

Following the complaint made against real Madrid for tapping-up the cheating acquitted date-rapist Ronaldo, one-man strop factory Ferguson has decided to sue Gordon Strachan for “Being Scottish, a football manager and a mardy bugger.”

“There’s no place for it in the modern game.” said the ruddy-nosed timelord. “Man Utd has always stuck to the rules about not having a cantankerous Caledonian manager so it’s not fair that others should get away with it” he continued while overseeing a vicious argument between a pot and a kettle. The American merchandising conglomerate is also considering suing Middlesbrough FC for playing in red and having an ‘M’ in their name.

At time of press, Jaap Stam was unavailable for comment.

Dolphin Deaths ‘A Blow Against Terrorism’ Say Government

The recent death of 26 dolphins in a Cornwall estuary was “A near-miss for the safety of the British peoples” announced unhinged Home Secretary Jacqui Smith today.

“Our security services have revealed to me that none of the dead animals had travel visas, passports or jobs in the UK” continued the swivel-eyed cabinet minister. “It’s well known that dolphins are extremely intelligent, so is it so far-fetched to imagine they had fallen under the spell of some aquatic mullah and were bent on fundamentalist explosivism? I think not.

They were clearly headed for Bristol to target strategic, erm, targets. Lord knows what carnage they could have wreaked had they managed to get a lift on the M4.”

Smith went on to reveal government plans to detain all migratory birds for 42 days to ensure their winter sojourns to sunnier climes have not included indoctrination in terrorist training camps.

Shot Officer ‘Looked Shifty’ Say Police Experts

PC Ian Terry, shot during a firearms exercise in Manchester yesterday “Could easily have been mistaken for a shifty foreigner” said Manchester police chiefs. Terry had recently returned from a fortnight in Alicante and was heavily suntanned, say colleagues, so could easily have been mistaken for somebody who was neither white nor British.

Police chiefs are looking into how an officer of Terry’s appearance could have been allowed near adrenaline-hyped policeman with access to heavy firearms. One expert dubbed it “An accident waiting to happen.”

Manchester police are attempting to play down the incident, stating “Ian Terry was a normal, law-abiding bloke going about his business. If the police can’t gun somebody like that down in cold blood then it’s a sad day for coppers everywhere.”