CBI 10-Point Plan Unveiled

“Point 7 Is My Favourite. It’s Boss” Says Lambert

The Confederation Of British Industry has written to Gordon Brown with a ten-point plan that they feel can boost Britain’s ailing economy and save many small businesses. “This is the worst financial crisis since records began” said CBI boss Richard Lambert. “Things are getting so bad that pretty soon we won’t be able to afford to employ the people that keep the records of how bad things have been in the past. It really is going to get that confusingly scary.”

The CBI’s plan is as follows:

1: Employ workers to go around shops and nudge potential buyers, saying things like “Those plasma tellies look mint, don’t they? I’m going to buy one. Are you?”
2: Government subsidised tea fund for offices to increase productivity “With a sliding scale of biscuit support” added Lambert.
3: Add ‘Best Before” dates to expensive electrical items, forcing gadget-obsessed trust fund cockfaces to replace their integrated Blackberry/MP3/Capuccino machines every three months.
4: Lend everyone a fiver until next payday. “People always feel a bit more flush with a borrowed fiver in their pocket” said Lambert.
5: Motivational speakers to give the pound daily pep talks. Key phrases such as “Who’s that handsome son-of-a-currency?”, “Way to fluctuate against the dollar, big P!” and “Who the pound? YOU the pound!” to be barked at currency reserves around the clock.
6: Unemployed models to eye up city traders on the tube during rush hour. “Trading floor confidence is vital to keep the economy stable and what better boost to confidence than having some gazelle-thighed stranger lick her lips at you on a packed Jubilee Line?”
7: No denomination above a five pound note. “People will feel wealthier carrying around sackfuls of pound coins, like a Lord Snooty cartoon” enthused Lambert.
8: Make forgetting a relative’s birthday a criminal offence. Gifts to the value of £10 or more must be exchanged or offenders face three months in jail “Which will be spent as cheap factory labour. It’s win-win, really.” said Lambert.
9: Outlaw the translation of assembly instructions of flat pack furniture, forcing the public to buy British.
10: Temporary freezes on NI contribution liabilites indexed to a stepped reduction on VAT combined with a streamlining of governmental capital spend projects. “I’ll level with you here. I’ve no idea what the last one means but it’ll make Alistair Darling shit his eyebrows when he reads it.” chuckled Lambert.

Gordon Brown has yet to comment on the CBI’s proposals but was recently seen watching a bare knuckle female boxing match whilst idly stroking his crotch and mumbling “Mmm, prudent. You’re a prudent wee ride, aren’t ye?”