Beelzebub Expected Early This Evening, Say Satanists

“Halfway Through Question Of Sport” Estimates Expert

Halloween is to be given a dramatic twist this year with the rising from the sulphurous pits of hell by the Lord Of Darkness himself, according to one demonological expert. Speaking from his two-bedroom terraced coven in Knutsford, devil expert Alistair Ebbsfleet stated “The moon shall run red with the blood of innocents, the seas shall be rent in twain and The Unspeakable One shall stalk the earth once more. Probably starting somewhere near Penge.”

Ebbsfleet listed the early signs of the impending rise of The Ultimate Harbinger Of Sorrow as “The stars raining fire from the heavens and probably quite a stiff northerly breeze.” This will then apparently be followed by the earth spewing forth the living dead and the lamentations of the countless being heard across the land. It is not yet clear whether these lamentations will contravene noise nuisance laws laid down in the Environmental Protection Act.

When asked why Diabolus should choose this evening to ascend from the underworld, Ebbsfleet explained “The signs of the end of days are all around us – the middle east awash with blood, the world economy falling to its knees. Peter Kay. Perfect environment for overthrowing the throne of heaven, really. But I think the main attraction to Mephistopheles at the moment is that most of the public won’t even notice he’s there. Not until wailing daemons start stuffing people’s gizzards into their ears. Too late by then, of course.

“But any society that gets more worked up about two potty-brained buffoons, or which person out of a sample of twelve is the worst singer, rather than the fabric of civilisation crumbling about them like a meringue in a threshing machine, isn’t going kick up too much of a fuss when the Antichrist starts throwing his weight about.”

“And apart from all that” added Ebbsfleet “It’s Halloween, innit? Traditional for Him to turn up at Halloween.”

UK society will look very different under the iron hoof of The Horned Beast, says Ebbsfleet. He predicts that the press will be seriously curbed, with only The Daily Mail and Chat magazine allowed to continue. “My Family will continue to be commissioned as well” he warns. But bizarrely, Lucifer will enforce rigorous environmental policies. “Despite wanting to doom mankind to an eternity of suffering” says Ebbsfleet “He really has a soft spot for polar bears. Not sure why.”

Daily Mail To Be Extradited

Smith Announces “Littlejohn’s Law”

Between smearing spoonfuls of her own shit against the walls of her cabinet office and rocking in a foetal position under her desk, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith today took time out to announce plans of a new bill to ban anybody from the UK who gets on her increasingly-fragile nerves by barking it in a staccato fashion through the gap under her door.

“Preachers of hate have no place in modern UK society” wibbled Smith “So I’m buggering about with the law like a kid with a box of Lego until there’s something in place that gives me legal sanction to kick them out.”

The Catholic Church, braced from their recent buy-out of the Anglican faith, has reacted angrily to the move, stating that the new law constitutes a restriction on trade. “No sensible person wants those brown chaps telling us we’re all evil, of course” said one chap sporting a large pointy hat “But this law will end a tradition that stretches back a thousand years – the right for an unelected man to threaten rooms full of people with menaces over what they choose to do with their unmentionables at home. If Smith’s proposals become law, how are we going to browbeat the poofs then? Answer me that one.”

The ex-Judaic faith is not the only group affected by the product of Smith’s misfiring head. Many predict that The Daily Mail will cease to function as a publication under the new laws. “You couldn’t make it up in a handcart” said excremental fat cunt Richard Littlejohn “This is just a green light for gays to start demanding my tax money, waving dildos at me in a threatening manner. Some of them will be dirty gypsies too, just you wait and see.”

Media analysts have estimated that without recourse to the demonisation of minority groups, the misrepresentation of statistics and outright fearmongering lies, The Daily Mail will be little more than a four-page set of horse racing results surrounded by adverts for Mediterranean cruises.

Smith, however, was adamant that her proposals become law as soon as possible. “We cannot have people entering the country with the intention of stirring up tensions. We want to send out a message – ‘If your views differ in the smallest iota to Labour Party doctrine – which we reserve the right to change as & when things go cock-shaped – then you may as well stay on the plane. This country did not become the greatest democracy in the world by allowing dissenting voices to be heard.”

Smith’s further justification for the law – to protect her brainwaves from being raped by Arab-shaped invaders – was later dismissed by Labour press officers as “Just Jacqui before the pills kick in. Pay it no mind.”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

Government Uses New Synonym For ‘Fucked’
Economy ‘Banjaxed’ If Trend Continues, Says PM

The government confirmed today that a new synonym is to be employed when describing the state of the nation’s economy. As official figures show that Britain’s GDP shrunk between July and September, ministers must now refer to the economy as being ‘in recession’. This replaces the earlier official nomenclature of ‘looking well dodgy’.

Bank Of England director Mervyn King stated “We’ve been monitoring the situation for nearly a year now, ensuring that the proper descriptive term has been employed each step of the way. Early indicators caused us to use “a bit wobbly” which, as things worsened, was changed to “Pete Tong”. During the unprecedented slump in share prices on Black Tuesday, we went through “Oh toss”, “Can’t bear to look” and “Bolloxed” in the space of three hours.

Gordon Brown confirmed King’s appraisal of the economy, saying “We’re throwing as much of your money at the problem as possible, like a madwoman with Parkinson’s decorating a cake in an earthquake.”


Minister Pledges Bouncers At Airports
“Visa? Not With Those Shoes, Pal”

Immigration minister Phil Woolas is to implement a “One in, one out” policy in UK airports and ferry terminals as the population reaches the 70 million mark. In a bid to curb overpopulation, burly men in black bomber jackets will count people entering and leaving the country using those metal clicky things. Anyone popping out of the country for some cigarettes may have to wait in line to re-enter and Woolas made assurances that the offer of a blowjob round the back of Heathrow will not be sufficient to secure entry.

“I’m sure many people would agree with me that the country is in danger of becoming dangerously overpeopled and enough is enough” said Woolas. “Just the other day it took me 45 minutes to find a parking space and I nearly missed my table reservation at Claridges. I don’t think anybody wants to see something like that happening again.”

“In terms of population density, Great Britain is fast approaching the levels of Trinidad & Tobago and Burundi. We cannot allow our country to become the concrete urban hell that those countries are well-known as being.”


Katona Hits Back At Critics
Pig-Faced Tit Carrier Speaks Out Over ITV Interview

Kerry Katona, former not-a-singer with Atomic Kitten, has responded to allegations that she was drunk or on drugs during an interview on This Morning “Wazzafuggin marra wid, wid, eh? What?” said Katona. “Izza not worra I’m sayin, itsa. Itsa, yeah? Ahhahaaa. Fuggin, yerra fuggin. Eh? Scuseme.”

Katona went on to assert “Issa….issa…yerrafuggin FUGGIT! I’mnorra thing widda thing innit snot worra mena like, yeah? Eh?”

Katona’s agent clarified some of the points made, saying “Ms Katona categorically denies being under the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs during the interview on This Morning. But to be reasonable, if you were sat opposite Fern Britton looking like a deflated weather balloon in a wig, you’d need a couple of bracers inside you yourself, wouldn’t you?”

Burt Reynolds Spotted In Swindon

FOR THE FULL STORY, GO TO THE DAILY MASH TOMORROW:

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/smokey-chases-bandit-through-swindon-200810241350/

Catholic Church Buys Out Anglicans

New Religious Consortium To Be Named “Cathlican”

After plummeting attendances and an underfunded infrastructure pushed the Anglican Church to the brink of collapse, the Catholic Church has stepped in to bail out the ailing faith in a £4.7 billion buyout. Many in the 470-year-old organisation feared the mother church would have to cease praying altogether before the Holy Roman faith conglomerate stepped in.

Dr Rowan Williams, head of the beleaguered doctrine, stated “Nobody could have foreseen the global collapse in faith – this is absolutely unprecedented. With promising new markets, especially in the third world and China, we felt the church was in a healthy condition to expand its client base. The next thing we knew, the pews were simply empty.” Many expect Dr Williams to step down in the next few days, with the Mormon church already offering him a lucrative consultancy role.

Members of the public who have invested in the life everlasting with the Anglican church have been told not to panic, with Cardinal Ebbsfleet of the Vatican promising to honour all existing prayers lodged with the church. This followed scenes of chaos as churches in London, Bristol and Knutsford were mobbed by panicking worshippers demanding their eternal souls, which had been entrusted to the church, to be returned.

“I thought my place at God’s right hand was safe with the Anglicans” said Missie Luther, a long-time Anglican customer. “I think it’s disgusting that they gave us no warning of what was happening. Only last Sunday, I was chatting to the vicar and he didn’t say a word. All the time he must have known I was going to hell while he walks away scot free. I should have pissed in his tea, the lying Turk.”

Anglican employees are braced for a slew of redundancies as the Catholic church attempts to streamline the organisation. As many as 40% of Anglican churches will be sold off to property developers, and the unemployment rate amongst organists is set to skyrocket. “It used to be a job for life” said one parson. “Get your feet under the pulpit, keep your hands off the parishioners and you’d be set . Now what? I might see if there’s any vacancies with the Kabbalists. They seem to be a faith that’s going places.”

The takeover will be formalised this Sunday, with Pope Benedict welcoming his new flock, tentatively named “Cathlicans”, during his address in St Peters’ Square. “I welcome all of my new flock into the arms of the Cathlican faith.” said the elderly ex-Nazi. “Pending due diligence to ensure none of them are sodomites, abortionists or johnny-jockeys, of course” he added.

Obama To Befriend Every Person In The US

Presidential Candidate To Visit With Wine & Trivial Pursuit

Barack Obama’s push to move into the White House for four years went into overdrive last night as he began his quest to make friends with every man, woman and child in the United States. “Yes, even Hawaii” said Obama “Even if it means using up all my air miles.”

Neither presidential candidate is incumbent and as a result cannot rely on four years of misrule, sexual allegations or corruption to misrepresent. Many feel that this has forced the respective campaigns of McCain and Obama to focus on personalities rather than policies.

While McCain has focussed on the more traditional route of portraying his potential presidency as a benign avuncular regime with a hatred of abortion and a terrifying arsenal of nuclear persuaders, Obama his personalised his campaign by attempting to convince the US electorate that he is simply a regular, everyday guy with an unquenchable yearning for ultimate power.

Obama’s charm offensive, codenamed “Operation Buddy”, began just after midnight with the senator visiting the home of Chance Huxley, a cab driver from Minneapolis. Obama is said to have taken a six-pack of Coors and a copy of ‘Weird Science’ on DVD to the 47-year-old’s home. “He was a real nice guy” said Huxley after the senatorial visit. “We watched the movie, sunk back a few cool ones and he outlined his fiscal plan for underpinning medical insurance provision. I told him he could crash on the couch if he wanted but he said he’d call a cab. Even took his dead soldiers out to the recycling bin. A class act.”

Fitz Ebbsfleet, professor of politics at Knutsford University, said the senator’s campaign would do much to allay the doubts of middle-american voters. “The vast majority of the white US public have the low-grade level of bigotry standard in industrialised nations across the globe. It’s the type that would baulk at using racial epithets but would typically feel vague awkwardness in the presence of somebody of different ethnic origin. Obama’s campaign is therefore brilliant. Not only will these people be able to say that some of their best friends are black, the friend in question will be one of the most powerful men on the planet.”

Senator Obama gave no official statement on the new strand of his campaign, but speaking from a leaving party for Sandra Chipsfield, a recently retired postal clerk from Newhaven, he said “I just want to get to know the people of this great country. Anyway, who’s up for tequila shots? My round.”

“Bezz Fuggin Mate” Sighted Over Heathrow

“They Made Me Phone My Ex Girlfriend” Said Dishevelled Pilot

Newly-released MOD files have revealed dozens of UFO sightings over Britain in the last twenty years reported by airline pilots and members of the public. One incident in 1991 records “Strange, bottle-shaped craft” being reported by pilot Sid Ebbsfleet on his approach to Heathrow. The encounter caused Ebbsfleet to fly the plane erratically and he believes the aliens used “mind-rays or something” on him as he attempted to land.

“I remember the day specifically as before we took off I’d had a blazing row with my girlfriend over things I definitely didn’t do with her sister. I’d spent a couple of hours in the airport bar, sipping just a diet coke and nothing else to calm myself down. As we were taking off I started to feel the effects of the alien’s mind control taking over as they forced me to argue with my co-pilot about who England’s best ever goalkeeper was.”

The strange phenomena continued throughout the flight, with passengers seeing Ebbsfleet stagger up and down the plane in search of the toilet, attempting to rouse them into a chorus of “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot”. As the flight began its final descent into Heathrow, Ebbsfleet caught a glimpse of the craft that had been causing his mental disturbance.

“It was a weird, out-of-body sensation. It felt like I was actually huddled in the corner of the cockpit hugging a giant Toblerone rather than being sat in the pilot’s chair. As I looked out of the window I could see several small bottle-shaped craft whiz across my field of vision. I think they were trying to communicate with me via my co-pilot, but their translation technology must not be as advanced as they think, because it just sounded like he was calling me a drunken cock-end.”

Ebbsfleet‘s trauma continued even after he’d left the plane. “I think I angered the aliens with my resistance to their brain-manipulation because on my way out of Heathrow, they forced me to call my ex to call her a lying frigid bitch, fall over and throw up outside of Boots. It was a terrifying experience.”

Ebbsfleet’s encounter is just one of dozens listed in the MOD archives. These range from unusual light formations spotted in the sky to letters from people claiming to be stranded aliens. Swivel-eyed moron and Ufologist Dr Kenneth Knutsford claims “These files are dynamite and definite proof of alien contact. We are not alone. Well, I live in a bedsit, but you know what I mean.”

“Can We Have Those?” MOD Asks NI Family

Buyer To Collect Gun Cache

After a stash of seventy guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition was found in a Belfast home, procurement officers for the British army have asked if they can buy them as a job lot. The weapons were discovered after their owner was believed to have taken his own life. His method of suicide has not yet been disclosed by pathologists but one spokesman told the press “Well how do you fucking well think he did it?”

The unnamed Belfast man was a well-known figure in Loyalist paramilitary circles and early indications suggest that he was unaware that the war against Republicans was over. “He was like them fellers you hear about in Burma” said one neighbour, whose affection for his kneecaps prompted him to remain anonymous. “While the rest of us were getting on with our lives pretending to like those dirty Fenian bastards, he was still holed up in his bungalow waiting for orders to attack the next legitimate target. Like a pub or something.”

The armaments are currently being held by local police, but it is believed that several regiments have started a bidding war for them. “Our brave lads in Iraq are seriously underquipped” said General Ebbsfleet of the 47th Queen’s Riflemen. “They often have to decide which unarmed civilian they’re going to shoot as they’re rationed to three bullets a day. Some have had to resort to enticing their targets toward the personnel carrier with clean drinking water or medical supplies before finishing them off with the butt of their gun.”

General Ebbsfleet believes the Northern Irish stash will leave his troops capable of administering muscular democracy with extreme prejudice for a further three months at a fraction of the cost. “Buying weapons through normal channels is prohibitively expensive. All those lavish lunches, luxurious holidays and envelopes stuffed with cash associated with securing military contracts don’t come for free. The cost is passed on to the regiment. In many cases, rather than shooting an entire family it can be cheaper to just buy their home and have them evicted.”

Gordon Brown hailed the gun haul as a victory in Labour’s continued fight against terrorism. “This is proof that the Peace Treaty continues to hold in the province. By taking those guns off the streets, we have made it safer for the average former paramilitary officers of Belfast to go about their daily business of drug dealing and racketeering. And by shooting himself in the head before the police arrived, as appears to have happened, this man has shown that people now know what will happen to them if they’re suspected of terrorist activities.”

Rhetoric “Equally Empty” In Presidential Debate

Nothing To Separate Insincere Promises, Say Commentators

After the final televised debate of the US presidential campaign, opinion is divided as to who made the most convincing set of hollow proclamations. With voting in the election less than a month away, this was the two candidate’s last chance to woo voters with pledges to do things they have no intentions of actually doing. Senator McCain is behind in the polls and Senator Obama is seen by many as too inexperienced for the role of the world’s biggest bully, so both men had something to prove. However, by the end of the debate, neither candidate’s set of chin music was more deceptively plausible.

McCain started the debate by discussing one person in Ohio who might want to buy a small business, but might not. His advisors were originally going to start the debate with the opening hours of a mobile library in the outskirts of Des Moines. However, Republicans eventually felt that how Obama had dealt with the aspirations of an anonymous workman would show the public just how the Democrat candidate would cope at the helm of a country more powerful than Ming The Merciless on steroids.

Obama countered by suggesting that because McCain belonged to the same political party as Bush, moved in the same circles as Bush and had voted for the same policies as Bush, it might be possible that McCain could potentially be a similar president to Bush. The Republican countered this argument by pointing out key differences, such as their haircuts and which brand of ketchup they preferred.

But ultimately, there was no clear winner on the night, with neither side able to convince the majority of the public that the piss running down their leg was actually rain. It was left to the respective vice presidential candidates to give the US electorate something to choose between, with Democrat VP Joe Biden being described as “A lightweight loose cannon with a tendency to put their foot in their mouth” and Republican VP Sarah Palin described as “An absolute sodding lunatic. Have you looked into her eyes? You know what stares back at you? The fucking abyss, that’s what. Ever seen her walk past a mirror? No, didn’t think so.”

Labour Policies “Retro” Claims Brown

“I Got Recession For You, If You Were Born In The 80s” Says PM

Amid a barrage of criticism about basically everything, Gordon Brown has hit back by calling Labour’s policies “A kitsch, ironic homage to the 80s. Anyone who doesn’t understand is just such a loser.” In an unprecedented move, the government have released an explanatory booklet entitled “Now That’s What I Call Governance” in which they attempt to link every manifest failure to icons of 1980s living. Key components include:


Unemployment: Harking back to the days of Coal Not Dole, the Government are introducing an employment scheme called “Labour’s Not Working: Redux.” It is hoped that as the unemployment figures pass the three million mark, this will inspire a new wave of great bands as it did in the 80s. If properly managed, Britain could have another UB40 on its hands, once more marking this country out as a centre of excellence for anaemic, gingerheaded cod-reggae.

Terrorism: While the Northern Irish Peace Treaty did potentially end hundreds of years of internecine bloodshed, it also left the public crying out for footage of people being bundled in the back of vans, hurried evacuations of shopping centres and the lengthy incarceration of innocent suspects. We’ve taken a great 80s idea – the bogeyman of violent terrorism – and updated it for the multicultural 21st century by slapping a turban on it. Also, by 2009, we intend to bring in a law demanding that any Muslim cleric appearing on the news has his voice overdubbed like we did with that bearded chap back in the day.

Iraq War: Erm, hello? The Falklands? How 80s was that? The Labour Party will not repeat mistakes made by the Tory government and is determined this time to have British soldiers killed pointlessly in a country that’s a lot warmer.


Gordon Brown underlined the government’s pledge to 1980s-style policymaking by revealing “In Downing Street we have a Rubik’s cube with key words painted on each square – “Prudent”, “Security”, “Partnership”, “Timely” – and so on. Whenever we make a new policy announcement, we get Ed Balls to play with the Rubik’s cube for ten minutes and read off the resultant message.”

“The last cabinet reshuffle was decided by a random sequence of colours generated by a game of Simon. And it’s clear that our financial policy of loading the economy with unsecured credit until it exploded was closely modelled on Buckaroo.”

“Just Shoot Suspects” PM Advises

42-Day Detention Scrapped In Favour Of Summary Execution

After the House Of Lords quashed Labour plans to allow police to detain terror suspects for 42 days without charge, Gordon Brown has pledged to continue with the existing policy of emptying an entire pistol into their head. Labour’s counter-terrorism bill asked for the ability to hold terrified suspects for 6 weeks of nebulous threats without charging them with any crime as long as they passed the ‘Threshold test’ of being a bit mouthy, foreign-looking or an electrician.

But the bill was defeated by 191 votes in the House of Lords last night, with one senior peer stating “The existing detention period of 28 days is perfectly sufficient to exhaust standard investigative techniques. We do not believe a further 14 days is needed to piss in ocular cavities, force suspects to eat their own excrement or beat the soles of their feet with garden hose.”

While the political wrangling continues, the police have been told to carry on with their policy of dropping anybody they feel like with little or no evidence to suggest they’re dangerous. Chief Inspector Knutsford stated “Terrorists are wily creatures, with ways different to our own. They don’t need food or oxygen and can morph into the shape of a cat at will. Who can say how they plan to attack us next?”

Gordon Brown has vowed to continue fighting for the bill to be passed, and Labour will hold a version of it in reserve in case a terrorist emergency occurs. As one Labour spokesman said “Never know what’s round the corner, you get me? Look at that London Eye, for instance. It’d only take one nutter with a bomb and the whole thing would collapse like a mugged granny, yeah? Wait and see, my friend, wait and see…”

The PM stated “We are disappointed that this bill has been defeated and feel that the House of Lords may as well give Bin Laden a foot massage for all the help they’ve been. This government will not shirk its responsibilities when it comes to national security, especially at times like these, because while I’m talking to you now, you’re not even thinking about how fucked the economy is. Damn. You’re thinking about it right now, aren’t you?”

Kay “Has Go At Orphans” For Next Show

“Parents? Dead? Dead Parents?” New Catchphrase

Following the success of last night’s “Britain’s Got The Pop Factor”, Peter Kay’s next mockumentary is believed to be an hysterical send-up on the plight of war orphans called “Who’s Your Daddy? And Does He Dance Like This At Weddings?”. The show will feature Britain’s best-loved parental Christmas gift idea as Stan Hubris, an inept charity worker sent to a Rwandan orphanage with hilarious results.

“Peter’s comedy as all about inclusiveness” said Kay’s press officer Chorley Ebbsfleet. “Whether he’s laughing at the disableds or the funny way Chinese people talk, there’s no victims in his comedy. If you don’t include the people who bought that last live DVD of his that didn’t feature any new jokes, of course.”

“Peter showed in last night’s show that he really is a man of the people, and as such has no issue with sneering at the working classes who dream of a better life for themselves and enter reality shows as a way of doing this. He’s a down-to-earth Lancashire lad that just happens to be richer than Croesus’ accountant so when he mocks basically-decent, working class people with lifestyles or opinions he no longer has to live alongside, it’s done with love. With “Britain’s Got…”, the former City Life & So You Think You’re Funny winner warm-heartedly poked fun at those who enter talent competitions to further their careers.”

Speaking from the offices of his production company, whose logo is a hand being bitten by a mouth it’s trying to feed, Ebbsfleet gave a few hints as to what Kay’s legion of fans can expect to mindlessly keen in front of next year. “Peter’s this really stupid bloke, right, and he’s got a mate who’s even more stupid! They’re sent to work in Rwanda, so there’s lots of scope for culture clash comedy – why they don’t serve Panda Pops and the like – and the show finishes with Peter singing “Two Little Boys” to a row of quadriplegic sad kids. We expect to get the single out before Christmas, of course. We’re not stupid.”

Kay himself was unavailable for a full interview, but did say to reporters “Diminishing? Returns? Returns that diminish?”

David Dimbleby To Host MTV Awards

“Double D Shouts Out To All His Niggas” Says Broadcaster

After Will Young was invited to appear on BBC’s Question Time, David Dimbleby has been named as the presenter for this year’s European MTV Awards. During the show, the 69-year-old is expected to sing a specially-written duet with Snoop Dogg entitled “Suck My PPE Degree, Bizzle.”

It is the first time the political correspondent has appeared at the MTV awards ceremony and his agent said Dimbleby is “Very excited at the opprtunity to quiz The Kooks on their views on overseas development, question The Jonas Brothers on middle-east affairs and get a really good look at Girls Alouds’ rabbits up close.”

The move was sparked after housewives’ favourite singing chin Will Young was invited as a guest on Question Time by producer Gill Penlington. Young stated he was a fan of the show during an interview for Radio 5. “I started screaming and running around the house as soon as I heard” said Penlington.

“I’ve thought he was well lush since he was on Pop Idol and I voted for him 27 times so that skanky Gareth Gates wouldn’t win. He looks like a clockwork hedgehog and I hate him. I called all my mates and told them what he’d said and they were dead jealous. Kirsty Wark reckoned I was lying but that’s just ‘cos everyone found out about the time David Miliband fingered her in the conference room at Chequers.”

Young is set to appear on Question Time in December, alongside Shami Chakrabarti, Will Self, John Sergeant and Duffy. Meanwhile, MTV producers are trumpeting Dimbleby’s participation as “A real coup for the music channel. We want to show that pop music deserves the same pomp and gravitas given to other art forms such as classical music and opera. An experienced hand like Dimbleby will certainly bring that to the show as he announces such awards as “Best Hotpants In A Video”, “Best Use Of The Phrase ‘Da Club’” and “Outstanding Achievement In Pissing On A 14-Year-Old”.

University Students ‘Forced To Know Stuff’

Knowledge-Based Initiations ‘Cruel’, Say NUS

Several universities are under investigation after allegations were made by former students that they were to take part in bizarre and degrading initiation rites. Amongst the allegations are claims that before being allowed entry into some universities, students were made to “Display the ability to comprehend complex concepts” and “Show understanding of a particular topic through properly-structured essays and reports.”

One secretly-filmed video, believed to be an entrance interview for Trinity College Cambridge, shows an elderly man subjecting a young female student to a barrage of humiliating questions. The fifteen-minute clip shows a university professor repeatedly asking the unnamed student about her aptitude to study English literature, her knowledge of Chaucer and Shakespeare and her understanding of post-structuralist theory. At one point, the leering don is heard asking the clearly-shaken student to show him her A level results.

NUS spokesman Bradley Ebbsfleet said “Some of the reports we’ve heard are horrific. One Durham student was forced into a room with 35 other students, where they were locked in for over two hours. They weren’t allowed to leave until they’d written 4,000 words on The Council Of Trent, including citations. When one of them complained that he’d planned to spend the day fucking around in Starbucks, he was told he’d be kicked off the course if he refused.”

The initiation rituals, known as ‘examining’, are believed to be spreading to universities across the country, according to Ebbsfleet. “Students just want to fit in and be part of a group. It used to be the case that an undergraduate could do that by simply drinking cider all day and making their hair look like a bungled gorilla abortion. But in many universities, students risk not completing GTA IV because they’re forced to read lots of books, do research and - in extreme cases – reach independent conclusions on subject matters based on logic and reasoning.”

The rise of ‘examining’ students is a throwback to twenty years ago, when the practise was commonplace on campus, according to Ebbsfleet. “In those days, a university would think nothing of forcing a student to go to over 20 hours of lectures a week and would punish anybody that failed to show a good grasp of their subject matter by giving them a low final mark. This used to be known as ‘grading’.”
Ebbsfleet has called for a ban on these practises and has warned all students to be careful when choosing a university. “It’s easy to tell students that have been the victim of ‘grading’ rites” said Ebbsfleet “As they are the students that actually know what they’re talking about on a given subject and look vaguely employable."

God Blamed For Cutty Sark Fire

More Car Chases In Bible “Would Have Averted Tragedy”

The investigation into the £10M blaze at the Cutty Sark has found that The Lord God Almighty, Omniscient Creator Of The Universe & Smiter Of Sodomites was to blame. The fire started after a security guard at the site fell asleep whilst reading the Bible and failed to notice that a faulty hoover (also thought to be part of God’s wondrous creation) had burst into flames.

It is believed he was attempting to plough through a particularly tedious section of Corinthians involving a lot of begatting and lists of things God forbade Jehosaphat to eat. These include “Beasts that layeth in pastures 2,000 feet above sea level, the fleshy parts of smaller woodland creatures and any seafood restaurants abroad, really.”

Chief Inspector Ebbsfleet stated “The fire started around 4am in the cargo hold after an industrial hoover had been left running for two days. The builders working on the site said the off switch the hoover required was in their mate Gary’s van and they couldn’t get it until after the weekend.”

“There were two guards on duty that night, one of whom was on a tea break when the conflagration commenced. We are aware of the stupendous level of irony in a tea clipper burning to the ground because of this. However, we believe the other guard would have been awake to smell the fire starting had the holy word of the Lord not been so buttock-clenchingly dull.”

Ebbsfleet believes major changes are needed in the Bible to avert future tragedies of this nature. “Like it or not, people or always going to want to read the Bible, and while the general public might find such behaviour abhorrent, we should try and make it as safe as possible.” The Chief Inspector has suggested a complete overhaul of the good book, reducing it to a pacier 250 pages, a greater focus on “Floods and brimstone and other cool stuff” and a possible rewrite by Dan Brown to “Sex the whole thing up a bit.”

Meanwhile, police are currently interviewing various demigods to establish the whereabouts of the Lord Our Saviour. “Several minor deities, including Vayu, Hypnos and Qed-Her, are being questioned at this time. We would ask the public that if they see God in the street, they should not approach him. They should instead contact their local psychiatrist immediately.”