Martial Law Declared After Celebrity Relative Killed

“Dead Proles Is One Thing, But Enough’s Enough” Say MET

The war against knife crime was escalated yesterday as it was discovered that the latest youth to be murdered was related to somebody off the telly. In news that has rocked the nation’s capital to the very core of its soul of the heart of its being, the Metropolitan Police confirmed that Ben Kinsella, the victim of Sunday’s stabbing, came out of the same womb as somebody that’s been on Eastenders and everything.

“Being stabbed to death by a pack of feral, blank-eyed teenagers is a daily fact of life for anybody living in London” said Met spokesman Higson Ebbsfleet. “I don’t think any reasonable person is expecting us to do anything about that. We’re not supermen, after all.”

“But this latest senseless murder was just too close for comfort. If Mr Kinsella’s sister, who is friends with Linda Robson you know, had been walking along with him…well, it’s just too horrific to even think about.”

A London-wide curfew of 8pm is expected to be imposed by the end of the week, with anyone out after this time not in possession of an Equity card to be flung into a cage with a rabid gibbon.

“We must protect our nation’s famous people, and their relatives” continued Ebbsfleet. “And if that means providing a personal escort for every last one of them, then that’s what we’ll do. I think the public will agree that, while their own safety isn’t worth a fart in a lift, making sure that people that can sing or act or dance a bit never have to experience brutal, demoralising violence is our key priority.”

When asked whether any charges are being brought in the murders of Henry Bolombi or Sharmaake Hassan, Ebbsfleet stated “Never heard of them. But I’m afraid without a white-sounding name or a celebrity relative, there’s very little for the police to go on. Now, please be careful on your journey home because if something happens, let’s be honest, there’s fuck-all we’ll do about it.”

John Leslie To Stand As Labour MP

Presenter To Run On “I Will Have Your Vote” Slogan

Following last night’s disastrous Henley by-election – which saw Labour poll just 17 votes – party mandarins have turned to the world of celebrity for future candidates in an attempt to woo back voters.

Labour finished an embarrassing sixth in the by-election, behind the Conservatives, Lib Dems, Green Party, BNP and the Satanic/Paedophile Alliance. Defeated Labour candidate Chesney Ebbsfleet was quick to put a positive spin on the result, however. “It often happens in local elections that the pig-faced proles decide to give the government a bloody nose, just because they don’t want to pay £4000 for a trolley of shopping or watch their kids being spattered into pate on an Afghanistan hillside.”

“But come the general election I’m confident that those people who haven’t hung themselves from the rafters of their negative-equity house and can afford the petrol to drive to the polling booths will keep us in power. In fact, I think the public will demand that Labour stay in power until the end of recorded history.”

Ebbsfleet was later escorted from Henley in an unmarked ambulance and is believed to be under heavy sedation in his Knutsford home. Labour chiefs, meanwhile, have been quick to round up celebrity candidates for forthcoming by-elections.

An inside source stated “They’ve already lined up John Leslie, as they feel he can be very persuasive in compelling people to do painful things they really don’t want to do, like voting Labour. They want a man that can handle pressurised situations, such as being accused of a series of disgusting, aggressive sexual assaults. And importantly, he does look good in a suit.”

Other high-profile figures - such as Michael Barrymore, Jade Goody and Ian Huntley - have been sounded out, with Goody reportedly asking what an MP is, Barrymore giving a tentative “Awoight” to the idea and Huntley stating “Don’t you think I get enough fucking grief as it is?”

Rising Stars Of Glastonbury Named

“Angry Shitcake Will Shift Massive Units” Says Eavis

With Glastonbury 2008 due to kick off tomorrow, upside-down-headed organiser Michael Eavis has given Pushjelly the lowdown on the potential breakthrough acts in this year’s festival:

Angry Shitcake
“These fellers do 4000bpm backstep speedgore better than anyone else in the business. Expect them to be huge by this time next year. Almost as huge, in fact, as the camping area at this year’s festival, where tickets are still available.”

The North Korean Relativist Symphonia
“They’re headlining our Global Classical tent on Saturday and the punters should be prepared to be blown away. They play slowed-down Bach using water cannons and tear gas canisters. It’s like watching that film ‘Amadeus’ during a heroin-fuelled riot. Almost as relaxing as the many aromatherapy tents onsite, which people can visit should they buy some of the remaining tickets.”

How! NOW Brown? Cow;
“Experimental folkpunk. Hayseed Ebbsfleet sings about his times as a leek wrangler in Romania. It’s an explosion of fiddles, fireworks and badly tarmacked drives. The Fanzine ‘Folk Me’ said they make the entire works of Bob Dylan not only redundant, but unemployable. It’s their only UK gig this year, so if you want to see them, I think Ticketmaster still has a few hundred tickets left.”

Shakin Stevens
“I’m going to level with you here – I’m not really sure how this feller got onto the bill. My daughter says he was doing some landscape gardening for her, odd jobs, stuff like that and he asked whether there was any chance of appearing at this year’s festival. She assumed he was asking for tickets – which can still be purchased online – and she said she’d see what she could do. Next thing we know we get a backstage rider request for 300 slices of rarebit and enough Brain’s Bitter to drown a zebra.”


Eavis went on to defend the lineup, which many attribute to the falling ticket sales. “Look, I could bung a pig on the stage, get him to run across a ladder full of spoons and 70,000 skunked-up halfwits would still show up. But if we don’t sell out this year, Greenpeace can take a diving fuck at a spinning donut for any contributions.”

Law Lords To “Stitch Up Grasses”

“You Got Something To Say? I’m Right Here” Say Experts

In a landmark ruling, the Law Lords have decided “If some dirty nonce wants to run his mouth off, then he’s going to need the stones to do it to a man’s face. You get me?”

After ruling that anonymous witness testimony was not admissible in criminal cases, the Law Lords have stated “Some bloke pulls off a tickle and thinks he’s home and hosed, yeah? Then some silly bollocks who can’t hold his shandy goes flapping his gills to the rozzers. Well, if he fancies his chances after doing that, then good luck to him.”

“But no, now they’re changing his name, moving him to a new gaff and stopping an honest businessman from calling on him at three in the morning and asking about the health of his wife and kids. Diabolical, that is.”

Senior Defence lawyer Wyndham Ebbsfleet expressed his concern at the ruling, however. “Well, I might as well piss off home right now, mightn’t I? Would you give evidence against some nutbar who you witnessed sawing a man’s head off with a metal comb if his mates could follow your family home afterwards? Me neither. Sod that for a game of bollock-tennis. I tell you what, I’ve got a witness who’s testifying against a violent armed robber. Do you want me to give you his home address while I’m here? Fuck’s sake.”

Gibbering Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said “We need to ensure the safety of people wishing to give evidence in high-profile cases. Unless they do drugs. Or they’re brown. Not to worry, we’ll knock up some arbitrary bit of legislation this afternoon to get around the ruling. I mean, what’s the point of having legal experts rule on matters of law if a hare-brained lunatic like myself can’t simply circumvent their advice? That’s democracy, that is.”

Smith then went on to explain why Boney M were subversive terrorists and how amphetamines made your fanny heal over.

‘Beasting’ Part Of Cost-Cutting Drive, Say MOD

“We Can Save Up To £100K Per Dead Squaddie” Says Browne


Following criticism of the death of Private Gavin Williams during a ‘beasting’ punishment session at Lucknow Barracks, Defence Secretary Des Browne has hit back, stating “What, would you rather some dirty foreigner did it instead?”

Browne was speaking at the inquest into Williams’ death in July 2007, where he defended the army’s right to kick the shit out of whomever they wanted, including their own soldiers.

“Many people feel that the war in the Middle East has been a monstrous waste of money and a humanitarian disaster. Really, many, many people. Everybody, really. Just a terrible, terrible, dreadful waste” said Browne, pausing briefly to stare into the distance as if expecting to see the Grim Reaper himself on the horizon waving his scythe around like a gap-toothed yokel outside Frankenstein’s castle.

“However” he continued after composing himself “we are doing everything we can to rectify this, and one method is to punt the squaddies around the training ground like a beachball at a Rolling Stones concert until they drown in their own fear-induced piss. British soldiers are the best in the world and I’m sure it will be a real comfort to Private Williams’ family to know that he was tortured to death with the efficiency and professionalism the British armed forces are famed for from Amritsar to Peterloo.”

Browne went on to state that by killing soldiers in the UK, the MOD can save hundreds of thousands of taxpayer’s pounds. “Never mind the cost of transportation, equipment and whatnot. If we bump them off in the UK then call it a suicide, their families can go tickle for a war pension, too. Quids in.”

Gordon Brown Does A Runner

PM’s Phone Switched Off Since Yesterday


Following the fuel crisis, disastrous by-election results and the continuing war in the Middle East, reports are coming in that Gordon Brown has done a moonlight flit. Details are still sketchy, but there are reports that Number 10 has clothes strewn all over the place, half-eaten meals still on the dining table, and a pile of letters marked “Ministry Of Defence – URGENT” on the doormat.

An anonymous colleague stated “After all the grief he’s been getting over the last few months, I think Gordon’s realised he’s not going to be able to dodge everyone who’s after him. He’s obviously given everyone a Govan bodyswerve.”

The Bank Of England were quick to issue a statement: “We have been trying to contact Mr Brown for several months over irregularities in the budget. Initially he would return our calls, making vague comments about prudent economic changes in the pipeline. But when the housing market went cocks-down, whenever we called him it would just go to voicemail.”

Unconfirmed reports have suggested that Brown is kipping on George Bush’s couch until the whole thing blows over. “Bush has always had a lot of time for Brown” said one insider “Maybe Brown feels that America is far enough away from the mess he’s left behind. Bush has a sweet entertainment room too, with an Xbox, Sky+ and a kicking stereo. I think the PM will probably mooch off of Bush until his wife tells him to kick him out.”

Gordon Brown’s mother denied any knowledge of where her son is, saying “I dinnae ken wit’s wrong with the wee shite. A’m no havin’ the head o’ the EU knockin’ on ma door makin’ a holy show in front o’ the neighbours. You see him, right, and you can tell him I’ll take ma hand off his face next time I see him.”

Tony Blair has already tried to distance himself from the PM’s disappearing act. “Hey, look, we worked together for a while, yeah?” said the former war criminal “But if you’ve got problems with inflation that’s totally down to him, okay?”

Gordon Brown’s wife has allegedly applied for a crisis loan to cope with the PM’s sudden disappearance.

Burrell “Didn’t Even Get Tops & Fingers” Say Palace

Palace Call Burrell Claims “Arsecock”

Palace officials have been quick to deny Paul Burrell’s claims to have had sex with Diana Spencer, calling his allegations “A bunch of hairy arsecock. Unpasteurised bullhonky. In short, as convincing as Jude Law’s acting.”

News of Burrell‘s claims surfaced in Sunday’s News Of The World, alongside pictures of ropey tarts who’ve recently sucked off lower division footballers. In an exclusive article (inasmuch as no other paper was prepared to print such unfounded guff), Burrell made several boasts regarding his relationship with the dead royal.

“Diana was a very demanding, emotional woman” claims Burrell. “I was on call 24/7 as part of my job. But that soon developed into constant demands for ball-gagging, dirty sanchez’s and Venetian dry-tagging. All kinds of mucky stuff involving tits and everything.”

Burrell even claimed to have had sex with Diana during an official visit to Great Ormond Street hospital. “We were visiting some kids that had limbs missing. Landmines or something. Anyway, Diana whispered that all these pre-teen amputees were making her really hot. The next minute I’m balls-deep in royal poon in a cleaning cupboard.”

Royal expert Foxton Ebbsfleet was quick to discredit Burrell. “Burrell is a liar, a communist, a humbug and, quite frankly, common. There is absolutely no evidence to suggest Diana ever had sex with anybody, let alone a fat potato-headed oik like him. Her two children were merely the accidental by-product of sitting on the toilet shortly after Charles. She was a chaste, pure lady who never screwed her way through shifty foreigners, rugby players and the like.”

A spokesman for the palace give a more straightforward rebuttal, however. “Of course Burrell’s making it up. In order for him to have had sex with Diana, he would have to not be as gay as a pink poster for a Village People gig. Which he clearly is. The man’s 100% into the brown.”