"The Pretentious Drunken Frowning Must Stop" Says PM
In a dignified and moving ceremony in Canberra last night, Australian PM Kevin Rudd apologised for the ‘Pain, suffering and grief” caused to the world by Russell Crowe.
“To the generations that have suffered mediocre films, we say sorry. To the film producers and TV execs that have endured childish tantrums, we say sorry. To anybody that has had to endure that woeful band he plays in, we say sorry.”
Rudd’s speech was seen as the first step toward reconciliation with the world’s cinema-lovers. Several years ago, former PM John Howard controversially refused to apologise for Russell Crowe stating “LA Confidential wasn’t bad.” Rudd, however, acknowledged that “While ‘Gladiator’ and indeed ‘LA Confidential’ were good films, this can in no way mitigate ‘Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunts”.
The PM has drafted a bill outlawing further emissions from Crowe’s pub band, as well as stringent controls on future musical ventures from all Australian actors “To prevent this terrible tragedy from happening again”. Under new guidelines, said Rudd, other atrocities such as Nicole Kidman’s duet with Robbie Williams might have been averted.
In front of a massed crowd bearing banners such as ‘Romper Stomper Was Actually Shit’ and ‘Cinderella Man – What The Fuck?’ Rudd continued “While I stand before you today to apologise for allowing Crowe to proliferate, I do not feel that this is the time for recriminations. Guy Pearce and that feller who played Jim Robinson in ‘Neighbours’ have shown that the system can work but we must be vigilant. After the whole Paul Hogan disaster, we were perhaps complacent that this could never happen again in our lifetime.”
Rudd ruled out the possibility of financial reparations, but has agreed in principal to a DVD amnesty to purge Australia of Crowe’s outpourings. Work has already begun on a ‘Master & Commander’ landfill site. Rudd has also mooted a restorative justice program, whereby any journalist, runner or director affected by Crowe will be flown to Australia and be allowed to punch Shane Warne in the face.
“To the generations that have suffered mediocre films, we say sorry. To the film producers and TV execs that have endured childish tantrums, we say sorry. To anybody that has had to endure that woeful band he plays in, we say sorry.”
Rudd’s speech was seen as the first step toward reconciliation with the world’s cinema-lovers. Several years ago, former PM John Howard controversially refused to apologise for Russell Crowe stating “LA Confidential wasn’t bad.” Rudd, however, acknowledged that “While ‘Gladiator’ and indeed ‘LA Confidential’ were good films, this can in no way mitigate ‘Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunts”.
The PM has drafted a bill outlawing further emissions from Crowe’s pub band, as well as stringent controls on future musical ventures from all Australian actors “To prevent this terrible tragedy from happening again”. Under new guidelines, said Rudd, other atrocities such as Nicole Kidman’s duet with Robbie Williams might have been averted.
In front of a massed crowd bearing banners such as ‘Romper Stomper Was Actually Shit’ and ‘Cinderella Man – What The Fuck?’ Rudd continued “While I stand before you today to apologise for allowing Crowe to proliferate, I do not feel that this is the time for recriminations. Guy Pearce and that feller who played Jim Robinson in ‘Neighbours’ have shown that the system can work but we must be vigilant. After the whole Paul Hogan disaster, we were perhaps complacent that this could never happen again in our lifetime.”
Rudd ruled out the possibility of financial reparations, but has agreed in principal to a DVD amnesty to purge Australia of Crowe’s outpourings. Work has already begun on a ‘Master & Commander’ landfill site. Rudd has also mooted a restorative justice program, whereby any journalist, runner or director affected by Crowe will be flown to Australia and be allowed to punch Shane Warne in the face.
1 comment:
But Crowe is from New Zealand...oh what the hell, the whole human race should apologise for him.
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