Home Secretary Completely Loses Plot

“She’s Gone Totally Gascoigne” Says Backbencher

Britain’s burgeoning drug addict population were essentially told to “Get on the rob, quick-smart” by the increasingly-frantic Home Secretary Jacqui Smith yesterday as she unleashed a fistful of eccentric policies on an unprepared public.

Most notable amongst the scatterbrained edicts was that in future, drug addicts would lose their benefits unless agreeing to treatment. “We, or rather I, think that by taking away what little legitimate money drug addicts can get to feed their habits, this will force them into rehabilitation.” said Smith.

Many experts feel that rehabilitation only works with willing subjects and that enforced poverty will essentially compel drug addicts into criminal behaviour. But Smith was adamant. “I am aware of the mountains of evidence that contradict my view, but by screwing my eyes shut and screaming the theme tune to Space Pirates, I can blot that out easily enough.”

Other policies unveiled in Smith’s white paper entitled “Drugs Smell Of Poo & I Hate Them 4 Eva” included:

If your name sounds a bit like a drug, a policeman will follow you around for the rest of your life in case you do something bad. Knutsford MP Simon Cockayne has described the plan as “Madder than a Yardie’s dog.”

Ofsted inspectors will mark down any school where pupils can name more than eight synonyms for marijuana.

Anybody who has that poster from ‘Scarface’ in their house can expect twelve hairy-arsed bailiffs to kick through their door at 5am, have some indecipherable court papers waved under their nose, then watch as they ransack their house for anything of value.

All GPs will be compelled to tell patients, at every single visit, ‘Stop smoking. Stop iiiit. Stooooop smoooookiiiing. Dooooon’t. Sooooooop smooooking.’. Whether they smoke or not.

Children of drug addicts will be dragged through the streets by a fat beadle singing ‘Boy For Sale’ like Harry Secombe did in ‘Oliver!’

Jacqui Smith announced her white paper whilst bouncing on a space hopper with “Heroin is rubbish” scrawled across it in magic marker. The chief Labour whip, when asked to explain her increasingly illogical behaviour, rolled his eyes and said “I know, what’s she like, eh? T’chah.”