News & Horoscopes

Underground To Be Run By Mice

Following news that London Underground is set to lose 1,000 jobs, TFL bosses have outlined their plans for the District, Northern and Circle lines to be run by mice. In the new staffing proposals, all ticket inspections, train driving and public announcements are to be undertaken by the two-inch rodents that currently infest the system.

“Most of the traffic into central London during peak hours used to consist of bank workers but following the recent economic embolism, they’re all sat in their multimillion pound homes, living off their massive savings and waiting the storm out. Despite this drop in fare revenue, we’re still obliged to provide a service, if you can call it that with a straight face.”

“Wage bills had to be cut and we quickly realised we had a ready-made workforce living in the tube system already. Tube drivers typically earn over 30 large for reading the paper at the front of an automated metal tube. Mice can easily cover this duty and are happy to be paid in leftover scraps of Subway sandwiches. They’re far less likely to turn up for work pissed, too.”

This Week's Horoscopes

Scorpio: You won't believe what the stars have in store this week. So I'm not going to fucking well tell you.

Gemini: Mercury moves into the house of repressed memories, so now is a good time to ask your parents why Uncle Frank is never invited to family gatherings.

Libra: It is time you realised that those limited edition Sneaker Pimp 12" singles are not 'Going to be well pricey one day". Throw them out, you ageing tit.

Cancer: Nobody ever gets over their first love but a chance encounter this week will make you realise that they very quickly got over you.

AIDS: If desperation truly is the worst cologne, this week you will stink like a Yorkshire vet's fist.

Space Otter: Why did you buy another box of Oxo cubes? You've already got five of them in the cupboard, for christ's sake.

One That Looks Like A Goat: That feeling you've had since childhood that you were destined for something special will be borne out this week when you are slaughtered by an infamous serial killer.

Aquarius: Facebook, Twitter, MySpace – how many more ways do you need showing that nobody cares about you?

Mondeo: Something about changes in the workplace and a new relationship starting. Either that or it's something to do with a phone call. I could care less, frankly.

Bison: The past is a foreign country and so is Uganda. Three guesses where you're going to end up by Friday.

Capricorn: A reunion with old school friends is on the cards. You'd better get started inventing what you've done with your life for the past twenty years.

Capricorn I: According to your astrological chart, approximately four million people in Britain will have exactly the same kind of week that you're going to have.

Gladiator: It will soon become apparent that you don't even like 80% of what's on your iPod. John Cougar Mellencamp? What were you thinking?

Sky News Flings Kittens Into Trees

“…And Finally” Item Shortage Blamed

Sky News face charges of false reporting today as evidence emerges that the broadcaster has been fabricating heartwarming fluff pieces for the end of their programs. Following the recent criticism levelled at the BBC for falsifying telephone poll results, Sky could be in for a torrid time from media watchdogs as they stand accused of “Wilfully and inaccurately presenting the UK as a country filled with amiable eccentrics and life-affirming incidents”

An ex-cameraman for Sky News has leaked footage showing presenter Anna Botting laughing hysterically as several kittens are tossed from their news helicopter into a larch tree outside Knutsford. Believing her microphone to be switched off, Botting can be heard to say “A tenner says the tabby one gets groundfucked.” The local fire brigade are understood to be considering legal action for timewasting as they spent two hours photogenically removing the distressed felines from the tree’s branches.

Other footage shows Sky staff nailing a terrier’s paws to a skateboard, bribing a small Oxfordshire village into cooking the world’s largest enchilada and threatening two pensioners, both aged over 100, with eviction from their care home if they refused to get married. The former Sky cameraman said “I used to dread coming into work. I’ve covered the civil war in Rwanda and the famine in the Sudan, but what these guys did to get their stories was obscene. When they asked me to pretend I was a quadriplegic learning to Riverdance, I quit on the spot.”

Sky News have been quick to denounce the former staff member’s claims, stating “The individual in question was fired after several instances of gross misconduct. He once referred to Rupert Murdoch as a ‘button-eyed shit factory’ and got into a fight with Eamonn Holmes after he’d implied that Mr Holmes was a charmless fat cunt. The last straw was when he arrived for work clearly inebriated, slapped his penis against Dermot Murnaghan’s cheek and roared “THERE’S your headline”. We cannot allow such behaviour and his contract was terminated as a result.”

Sky News refused to comment on the footage allegedly showing the broadcaster fabricating stories, but one insider conceded there may be some truth in the claims. “It’s getting harder each week to end the reports on a high note” said the unnamed source. “You want to leave the viewer with a smile on their face but the world’s turning into an episode of The Wire written by a manically-depressed misanthrope with a hangover. It’s just too horrible.”

Footballer Denies Charge Of Consensual Sex

Decent, Loving Trysts “Never Happened” Says Star

The footballer named today in a tabloid story as having indulged in “Repeated, considerate sexual acts of a legal, caring nature” has denied the allegation as “Absolute fiction”. The footballer, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has stated “I am one of the wealthiest, most successful footballers in the country. Why would I risk my career at Old Trafford, my place in the Portuguese national side or my club number 7 shirt just to have normal, intimate sex with one long-term sexual partner?”

The statement came after one national tabloid printed a story, entitled “My Monogomy Heaven”, detailing years of alleged lovemaking with the unnamed World Player Of The Year. The interview with a 31-year-old woman describing herself as “An unknown middle manager in a regional pharmaceutical firm” euphemistically lists repeated occasions where the footballer “Took my needs into consideration, preserved my anonymity to protect my feelings and continually insisted on treating me as a valuable human being.”

Press experts are already questioning the validity of the claims, with one stating “It’s a well-known fact that sexual intercourse with a footballer, whether it’s in a plush £1000-per-night hotel or against your will down the back alley of a low-rent nightclub, will always fall into two categories. Either the footballer is seriously under-endowed, can only last a couple of minutes and has no idea how to please a woman. Or the encounter can only be described as a ‘romp’, involving multiple orgasms, various foodstuffs and complex equipment. Ideally, the recipient will describe the footballer as an animal that has no trouble scoring between the sheets.”

The fact that the unnamed woman described her nights of passion as ‘lovemaking’ rather than “X-rated action” has also thrown her claims into doubt. The footballer in question, whose anonymity is currently preserved following a court order, stated “This is worse than when I winked at the bench after Rooney got sent off. I have the deepest respect for the traditions of the Premiership, and to imply that I would have sex without filming it on my mobile, involving my teammates in the action or just viciously sexually assaulting her is a terrible slur on my character.”

Lawyers representing the footballer, who due to legal restrictions can only be referred to as “CR”, have already supplied the police with several instances of degrading group sex and cash payments to rape victims as proof that the player could not have been involved in the adult, responsible relationship alleged in the article.

Hollyoaks Failing To Meet Masturbatory Standards

Soap ‘Barely Raises A Doughy Semi’ Says Ofcom

Channel 4 faced further criticism yesterday when an Ofcom report accused the broadcaster of failing to meet its remit of onanistic fodder via the teen soap ‘Hollyoaks’. “We have noticed that the amount of large-breasted teenaged girls prancing about in their underwear for no dramatically-justified reason has been steadily falling since 2004” said Ofcom. “Channel 4 attempted to make amends with the introduction of late-night episodes of the soap but our staff were saddened to report that these episodes merely forced the viewer to watch another hour of barely-coherent guff for a brief glance of nip.”

Channel 4 has been quick to refute the accusation, stating “We stand firm in our commitment to producing challenging entertainment away from the mainstream. We also acknowledge that, since its inception, Channel 4 has been the broadcaster of choice for those requiring visual stimulus for self-pollution but have no access to pornography.”

“Channel 4 strongly believes that the makers of Hollyoaks continue to make engaging, well-written drama that gives the viewer something to get them up the runway whilst idly toying with their genitals of a Sunday afternoon. That tarty dark-haired one would make the mercury in a thermometer stiff, for a start.”

Hollyoaks started life in 1995 and initially served as an outlet for the increasing number of out-of-work models and failed children’s TV presenters in the industry. Early plot lines were basic and functional, written merely to give the ‘actors’ a reason for moving about on the screen and included characters going to the shops, painting a shed and counting matchsticks.

But when an episode featuring four female characters washing a car was aired, Hollyoaks’ format was set in stone. Channel 4 quickly realised they had a program that could fuel masturbatory fantasies without needing to be a subtitled Dutch film about turnips. Spurred on by their success, producers wrote further storylines featuring a student house constructed out of a bouncy castle, mutant bra-eating moths and an outbreak of slow-motion lesbianism.

However, chairman of the Hollyoaks fanclub, Eric Ebbsfleet, feels that the soap’s standards have slipped dramatically. “There was a time that I could crack a couple out before the first ad break” said Ebbsfleet. “But these days it’s full of emo kids, middle-aged shopkeepers and stories about mental illness. You’d have to be positively German to slap yourself happy over that.”

BBC To Cancel Comic Relief

Impartiality More Important Than Alleviating Suffering, Says Broadcaster

The BBC have announced that they will no longer be hosting the biennial Comic Relief fundraiser over concerns it may breach the channel’s impartiality clause. “While we appreciate that the show raises a lot of awareness about poverty, hunger and lack of education in developing countries, we cannot be seen to show any political bias” said a BBC person. “As many of the problems in the Third World tackled by Comic Relief are created by corrupt and violent political systems, we feel it is better to let them get on with it if it means we can continue to justify our incredibly well-remunerated positions at the BBC.”

“Nobody can deny that working to give the world’s young a decent education, basic medicine and drinking water that doesn’t look like a biology experiment is a good thing” the BBC continued “But impartiality is the key issue. While it may be acceptable to imply, via our sitcoms and dramas, that everyone in Britain is white, middle class and used to be in Grange Hill, it is not acceptable to imply, even tacitly, that barking mad generals spunking their country’s GDP on 400-foot-high bronze statues of themselves, rather than child health care, is a bad thing.”

But Ofcom have warned the BBC that they must continue to change in order to avoid claims of partiality. “Close monitoring of the BBC’s output still show worrying signs of bias” said Ofcom person Tenko Ebbsfleet. “We are concerned that their programs still show bias toward the view that Chris Moyles isn’t a horrifically useless gusset stain and the idea that anyone gives a gently marinated toss whether some glamour model is any good at limbo dancing, for instance.”

Comic Relief, which has raised hundreds of millions of pounds since its inception in 1985, will now be looking for a new broadcaster following the BBC ban. One insider said “Channel 5 have offered us a good deal, so long as we can work in some sketches about shark attacks or Nazis. Freddie Starr’s already been in touch.” While the charity is disappointed by the BBC’s decision, they do feel some good may come out of it.

“Like any charity, we should always be looking for new ways of raising revenue, and a move away from the BBC may help us do that. It will also mean we’ll no longer have Jonathan Ross hosting the thing, so we’ll avoid having to apologise when he offers to have sex with a starving octogenarian Ethiopian woman. And no Lenny Henry, let’s not forget that.”

Halifax Howard ‘Livid’ At Oscar Snub

Moonfaced Not-Actor Trashes Set

Howard Brown, best known for his appearances in the Halifax advertising campaign, was arrested last night for criminal damage after he’d read he was not amongst the nominees for this year’s Oscars.

According to one inside source “The guy was reading a news website when the Oscar list was announced. He scanned down the list muttering “Howard Brown, Howard Brown, come on you fucking twats, where’s Howard Brown?” When it became obvious his name wasn’t there he just went mental. He threw his laptop at Cheryl from the Croydon branch, who was due to appear in the latest ad singing a version of ‘Simply The Best’. She’s got an eye on her like Gascoigne’s girlfriend this morning, the poor thing.”

Brown’s rampage continued for several minutes, during which time he threw a script at the advert director which is believed to have been smeared with his own faeces. Several pieces of the set were severely damaged by Brown kicking them while repeatedly shouting “I’ll give them extra, the fuckbastards!”

Howard Brown’s agent, Morden Ebbsfleet, issued a statement this morning, starting by saying “First of all, yes, I know – Howard Brown has an agent? What the actual fuck? Anyway” continued Ebbsfleet “I would first of all like to say that my client has the utmost respect for the Oscar judging panel. He also wishes the best of luck to his fellow actors Sean Penn & Mickey Rourke. Howard has often stated how much Penn’s method approach to acting has influenced his own work, especially during the “My First, My Last, My Extra Thing” campaign.”

“My client has been under great stress recently. The current economic client dictates that financial institutions cannot afford to pay vast sums of money to a wooden imbecile performing barely-acceptable karaoke. The pressure of this, as well as continuing his duties as a Halifax branch manager, led him to mix up his pain medication with some strong horse tranquilisers that had been placed in the dressing room by persons unknown.”

This morning, Metropolitan Police would only confirm that they had arrested “A buffoonish idiot in his early forties after an incident at Elstree Studios”. Brown is expected to be given bail, but one unnamed member of the camera crew who witnessed Brown’s carnage thinks this is a mistake. “The BAFTAs are just around the corner and if he’s not named again, god knows what will happen. I know he may look like a vaguely disappointed, myopic shrew but if yesterday’s performance is anything to go by, a lack of BAFTA recognition could make the bloke go totally Dunblane.”

Fatties To Binge On Slimming Medicine

Decision To Produce Pie-Flavoured Pills Questioned

As GlaxoSmithKline prepare to launch their non-prescription slimming pill Orlistat, many have criticised the decision to release the pill in a variety of flavours. Available from next month, Orlistat will come in “Smoky Bacon”, “Marshmallow” and “Pie” flavours. GlaxoSmithKline stated that “Extensive research has shown that our potential customers would prefer the treatment to come in a variety of mouth-watering flavours. Our decision to produce a form of the drug in a chocolate fudge milkshake reflects this.”

But Dr David Haslam of the National Obesity Forum has warned this could lead to accidental overdoses. “I have worked with thousands of patients battling with the terrible affliction of obesity during my time with the forum. And I can categorically state that if you make the pills tasty then these bunch of plumpers will be popping them down like they’re M&Ms.” Potential side-effects listed in Orlistat packaging include “Dizziness, shortness of breath and shitting like a torture victim drinking molten lead smoothies”

Research into the effectiveness of Orlistat has taken over ten years. The program hit a number of difficulties, with one research lab having to move offices after a KFC opened next door. “We’d be trying to see if the drug effectively absorbed fat from consumed food and they’d be shovelling buckets of greasy wings down their gullets at twice the normal rate, so we were back where we started” said one scientist. Another test group proved especially difficult, with researchers having to entice subjects into the lab with slices of Battenberg on fishing rods.

Screeching not-really-a-doctor ‘Dr’ Gillian McKeith has criticised the Medical Council’s decision to allow sales of the drug, stating “At the end of the day, there’s no substitute for exercise and eating miniscule amounts of algae on dry wheat toast. If Orlistat is a success, then overweight people will no longer need to be made to feel like subhuman scum by the likes of me in order to lose weight. And how is a joyless, pinchmouthed harpy like me meant to make money then? Not many jobs allow you to bully everyone around you and lie about your qualifications, you know.”

When Orlistat is released, pharmacists will only be allowed to sell it to customers with a body mass index of over 28. “That’s roughly the equivalent of a shed made of Plutonium” said one pharmacist. There are fears that the criminally obese may cash in on this proviso by posing as customers for those not reaching the magic 28 BMI figure. “It’s a potential wheezing, sweaty, chapped-skinned black market waiting to happen” said the same pharmacist as before.

Sandy Ebbsfleet, a 32-stone lorry drive from Knutsford, is looking forward to Orlistat’s launch, however. “Hopefully this will be the end of a very long fight with my weight” said Ebbsfleet. “I’ve tried every fad diet going but finally I’ll be able to pop a pill rather than taking responsibility for my own actions and stop stuffing quite so much lard down my gullet. Another bonus is that slimming clubs might become a thing of the past and that dreadfully unfunny sketch they do on ‘Little Britain’ will become socially obsolete.”

City Move To Sign Obama As Manager

Hughes To Be Replaced By Leader Of The Free World

Following yesterday’s inauguration ceremony, Barack Obama’s first responsibility will be to consider a £500M bid from increasingly-ludicrous football team Manchester City to replace Mark Hughes as manager. City representatives look set to fly out to Washington today to woo the US president into taking over the day-to-day running of the Eastlands outfit.

“We think this offer is too good for Obama to refuse” stated City Executive Chairman Gary Cook. “We’ve got half a billion large waiting for him in a Swiss bank account if he signs the contract. We’ve worked out a compensation package for the American nation to hold another election, but in Vice President Joe Biden they’ve got a ready-made replacement to take over the country. I also understand that Joe Royle has expressed an interest.”

Cook was apparently convinced of Obama’s suitability to the role after watching coverage of Obama’s inauguration on Sky News. “When I saw that two million people had turned up to watch the ceremony, I thought “We could do with crowds like that at our place”. Imagine it – two million people crammed in to watch us play FC Copenhagen in February. That would make Ferguson’s nose explode, wouldn’t it?”

City’s move for Obama has been supported by impotent World Cup-winning rentaquote Pele, who famously once stated “In my lifetime, I predict an African-American will win the League Cup”. The Abu Dhabi Group, City’s wealthy backers, have also endorsed the bid, stating “We could buy your whole country and fire it at Jupiter if we so chose, so do not question our decisions.”

Pundits are divided over whether the bid will be successful, with Alan Hansen particularly sceptical. “It’s an absolutely shocking decision” said the dour Captain Scarlet doppelganger. “Right now they need a gaffer that can get the team working as a unit, shore up the defence and push them up the league. Rather than an ambitious ex-congressman who has consistently campaigned on a platform of social change and cautiously progressive liberalism.”

Trevor Brooking stated “Well, ermm, errr, the lad’s not got much experience of top-flight football management, has he? But it would certainly be a big name signing and he might improve City’s performance when it comes to converting crosses. Like when I scored with that header in the 1980 cup final. I didn’t score many with me head, as you know…”

One Obama insider has expressed doubts that the president will move to Manchester, however. “Barack has accepted the challenge to overhaul US finance, build bridges with the international community and heal deep social divisions in America. But I think getting a decent performance out of the likes of Elano might be one challenge too far.”

US Awaits Business As Usual

Countdown To Inauguration Of Another Politician

America awoke this morning to the prospect of seeing a politician getting the top job in American politics because more people thought he’d be good at it than anyone else. A chilly Washington DC will see Barack Obama become the 44th man start work at a job he applied for nearly two years ago.

“This is an historic day for America” commented one political commentator, politically. “We have only ever seen a powerful, influential man spend huge amounts of money in order to become even more powerful and influential forty three times before. I think everyone in the country will remember where they were when they watched somebody they’ve never met get a job promotion.”

Barack Obama has come a long way from his humble beginnings studying law at the frighteningly expensive and exclusive Harvard Law School. After years of courting the favour of his staggeringly wealthy friends and colleagues, he has risen to the very top of American society. An amazing feat for somebody who had to start from somewhere near the upper third of American society.

Liberals in America eagerly await the inauguration of Obama, with many feeling that a religiously conservative president that opposes gay marriage will mark a huge shift away from presidency of George Bush, who was a man who opposed gay marriage and was religiously conservative.

The new president’s acceptance speech is much anticipated as several presidential terms have been marred by poor oratory. Martin Van Buren, America’s thirteenth president, famously angered the electorate by simply saying “Cheers for this. I’d better get cracking, really. Too fucking cold to be gabbing out here.”

Obama will be hoping for something more in line with JFK, whose “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country…” speech is regarded as a landmark in liberal reform. An early Obama speech draft, which saw him trying to echo Kennedy by saying “Don’t expect us to help you out. You’re on your fucking own.” was rejected for being “A bit of a downer and way too honest.”

The Inaugaration Day timetable will be as follows:

7AM: Removal vans will take the last of former president Bush’s shotguns and Tonka toys from the White House

9AM: The Mall will fill with tens of thousands of visitors keen to wave a flag at some stranger half a mile away.

12 Noon: Barack Obama will face the near-hypothermic crowd, take the oath of office and make his first set of vague, unattainably empty promises as president.

1PM- 11PM: President Obama will attend a series of dinners, functions and dances with well-wishers, party members and shady plutocrats.

Midnight: President Obama will be briefed on the state of the nation’s finances, and standing in the various middle east wars America is involved in. He is expected to continue weeping until late on Wednesday evening.

Tesco To Launch “No Frills” Cigarettes

“All The Sputum, Half The Cost” Promise Retailer

Relentless retailing juggernaut Tesco have caused a storm of controversy with today’s launch of their ‘No Frills’ range of cigarettes. Fiscally-challenged smokers will now be able to buy packets of twenty cigarettes for just two pounds. This is considerably less than the next-nearest priced brand, predictably named ‘Plutocrat’ in line with the inverse rule that the grottier a brand of cigarettes are, the more plush they sound.

“Tesco have always been at the forefront when it comes to offering consumers quality products at bargain prices, and we feel that the expectorating masses should not be any different. Our No-Frills fags will leave shoppers with more money in their pocket as they wheeze their way to the bookies” said Tesco person Damian Ebbsfleet.

The packet will primarily be in the standard blue and white livery of Tesco’s No Frills range. However, in order to comply with government regulations while keeping down costs, the medical council warnings will be written by an unemployed GP recently barred from practising medicine. The warnings will include messages such as “Tabs is bad for you, dickhead” and “Wait until your missus has that sprog before letting her smoke these.”

In another cost cutting exercise, the photographic warnings now mandatory on cigarette packets will be replaced by children’s drawings of tracheotomies and diseased lungs and will be scrawled in crayon. In conjunction with their “Vouchers For Schools” scheme, Tesco will launch an art competition for their No Frills cigarettes. Whichever child produces the best drawing of a deformed foetus will see their artwork used on packets, as well as winning a computer and some pens for their school.

Anti-smoking group ASH have condemned Tesco, with one spokesperson stating “This completely undermines all the work we’ve been doing at ASH. For years we’ve been telling smokers how much money they could save for a holiday if they quit, as if they weren’t already painfully aware of that fact. Now Tesco come along with a pack of fags so ludicrously cheap I’m seriously considering starting up again myself. God, I’ve missed smoking, you know. Go on, can I just have one drag on yours?”

Consumer reaction to the No Frills cigarettes has been positive, however. Dane Knutsford, a lifelong smoker who queued outside Tesco for twelve hours to be the first in line for the new brand stated “These fags are superb for the budget smoker like me. Granted, they do taste like a crematorium roof but they’ll really help me stretch my nash that little bit further. The money I’m saving should keep my floating in White Lightning until dole day rocks around again.”

Israel Runs Out Of Things To Bomb

Ceasefire Imminent As Army Picks Off Final Targets

Israel’s war with Hamas looks set to end today as it was confirmed that Israel had “Maybe two dozen targets left, give or take an orphanage or two.” Israeli military spokesman Ehud Ebbsfleet stated “Armed hostilities will taper off by the end of today as we finish off the last few missile-worthy targets. There’s a greengrocers near the Tel al Hawa area we’ve had our eye on and I know a lot of the lads have really been looking forward to flattening a massive big shed in downtown Gaza that’s somehow still upright. Once those sites have been reduced to a smoking heap of twisted rubble we’ll probably call it a day.”

The UN were in talks with Israel, looking for alternative solutions to end the war. One proposal was for the UN to build fake settlements out in the desert, complete with lifelike dummies of screaming women and children. There would then be an agreement to allow Israeli forces to unleash metallic fiery hell at the model encampment to their heart’s content. “They do love a good shelling, those Israeli fellers” said one UN delegate. “We thought if we gave them something else to blow up, they might lay off Palestine for a bit. Between you and I, it does really beg the question what exactly their problem is, doesn’t it?”

However, as indications became clear that nothing in Gaza taller than a middle-aged man has been left standing, the UN proposal now seems redundant. Many predict that tomorrow will see Israel deploy their unmanned, laser-guided flying spirit levels to assess the Gaza area for signs of unevenness. Assuming everyone in the area lays down as they pass, the shelling could cease for the time being.

But many international commentators question whether this will lead to long-term peace in the region. Clancy Fox, Professor of Middle Eastern Interminable Strife Studies for Knutsford University, stated “The political situation in this area is a long, entrenched and bloody story. Internecine struggles, religious differences and socio-political differences are so complex that, when it comes to this bit of the degree course, I tell the students to try and work it out for themselves. Because quite frankly, I haven’t got a fucking Scooby what they’re fighting about, who the good guys are or when it will end. Be honest, do you?”

News & Horoscopes

Internet Blamed For Grattan Redundancies

Home-shopping firm Grattan has shed over 1,000 jobs today amid claims that their catalogue cannot compete with the vast cornucopia of online grot for the attentions of onanistic teenagers. “Thirty years ago, a slightly antiseptic-looking photo of a model wearing a sturdy bra and belly-warming knickers would be enough to send your average teenage thrashing about the room in a blur of self-abuse. Nowadays, by the age of fourteen, most teenagers have access to the kind of depravity that would turn Aleister Crowley into a Mormon.”

The firm are hoping to turn their fortunes around by hiring German porn publishers ‘Das Fuck’ to co-ordinate their summer catalogue. “They have some really interesting ideas on how to make our catalogue more appealing to the jaded sexual appetites of today’s teenager.” said Grattan person David Ebbsfleet. “The underwear is now modelled by being stuffed into the mouths of trussed-up porn actors, for instance. And our jewellery is enticingly being sported through the skin of their genitalia. Our legal team have taken a good, long look at the children’s clothing section but I think we’ll be fine.”




THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPES:

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The winds of change you feel blowing through the workplace is caused by the door they're about to kick you out of. Start stealing stuff.



Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It's been a tumultuous year for you, relationship-wise. This period is about to come to an end as a 50-year period of celibacy begins.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A tall, dark, handsome man is about to enter your life and start repossessing all your furniture.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Tensions at home see you choosing to sleep on a park bench to avoid the crushing pointlessness of it all. A good time to start hoarding newspapers.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Pluto, the most useless of all the planets, enters your celestial house this week and starts trying to borrow a tenner until pay day.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Fun-loving Geminis can expect to make a whole new circle of friends as they sit in the waiting room of their local STD clinic.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your no-nonsense, speak-as-you-find attitude is often correctly interpreted by friends as sheer fucking rudeness. Just what is your problem?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Chance encounters are the order of the week for Leo. With that man who's been hovering outside your house for the last few days.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The stars come into a rare alignment, with opportunities galore on the horizon. It's a shame that ham-fisted morons like Virgos will utterly fail to notice them.


Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Beautiful, kind, successful and charming, it's little wonder that everyone will be totally sick of the sight of you this week.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
That heap of junk mail on your doorstep will finally reach the letterbox, alerting the authorities to your un-mourned death eight months ago.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After a difficult time, things are finally back on track for you. It's probably best not to wonder what that new lump is, really.

Unscientific Bollocks “Unscientific Bollocks” Say Experts

Herbal Menopause Treatment Defended By Deluded Con Artists

The Drugs And Therapeutics Bulletin (DTB) have today announced that herbal treatments for the symptoms of menopause are “About as effective as burying a chicken kiev in your back garden during a full moon.” Studies into the usefulness of treatments such as Red Clover, Dong Quai and Old Wichitty’s Wholesome Tincture have shown that women suffering from the menopause “Might as well use the money spent on herbal remedies buying a bottle of Chardonnay and a dildo”.

A survey of 1,000 menopausal women conducted by a team of frankly terrified researchers showed that 40% of subjects had tried complementary not-really-medicines without informing their GP. A spokesman for the GMC stated “Personally, I’d much rather we installed an HRT-patch vending machine in the waiting room and have done with it. But it really does help us do our job properly if patients can refrain from medicating themselves with the contents of some fraudulent quack’s pot pourri bowl.”

Jenny Jones of The Herb Society has defended the efficacy of overpriced twigs, claiming “A lack of evidence does not necessarily mean a lack of effect. For instance, there is virtually no evidence that the foul-tasting tinctures I knock up in my Poggen Pohl kitchen will stop menopausal women from feeling like a cocaine addict going through grief counselling. But the effect of selling these preparations at £30 a pop – the loveliness of my aforementioned Poggen Pohl kitchen – cannot be denied.”

The DTB were quick to refute Jones’ claim that lack of evidence was reason enough to stop trying to swindle distressed middle-aged women. One DTB person explained “There is no evidence, for example, to suggest that me going round to Jones’ house and beating her around the neck with a medical text book will force her to stop making illogical and dangerous statements. So as much as I’d really love to, I won’t.”

Jones has insisted that “These remedies do work for some women” but the DTB insisted that “If I gave enough cancer patients a rubdown with a copy of “Blakes 7” on DVD, a few of them might get better. It doesn’t alter the fact that using it as a treatment is complete cock.”

When asked whether the DTB intended to highlight the utter guff that passes for herbal medicine to Britain’s menopausal women, they replied “Do we want to tell a bunch of mean-tempered women with very little to lose that they’ve been taken for chumps? Do you have any other stupid fucking questions while you’re at it? Jesus.”

Teachers Offered ‘Golden Stab Vests’

£10K In BUPA Vouchers For Hard Case Teachers

Teachers who agree to be systematically ignored by the progeny of the underclass in Britain’s worst schools are to be offered £10,000 a year extra in a carefully-worded bribe to be outlined by Gordon Brown today. The deal, to be officially termed as a “Pre-emptive injury settlement” hopes to entice teaching professionals to abandon what little hope they had for enriching young minds in exchange for a fat wad of cash.

“This deal is in recognition of all the difficult work education-givers do in our most troubled schools” said junior Education Minister Chips Ebbsfleet. “If teachers want tearful scenes of appreciation that they’ve proven massively influential in a teenager’s education, then I suggest they buy a copy of ‘Dead Poet’s Society’ and shut the fuck up.”

The payment is to be offered to teachers working in worst-performing schools in the country. NUT person Hoop Knutsford stated “I will be recommending this scheme to all NUT members on the basis that teaching fuck-all to a bunch of subhuman scrotes in exchange for an extra ten large is a no-brainer, even for somebody with such a lack of employment opportunities that they end up being a teacher. We still get all those holidays and the chance to look up the skirts of the sixth-formers, right?”

Applications for teaching posts in schools serving sink estates have trebled following the news. One education recruitment consultant stated “We’re getting hundreds of CVs from aggressive borderline psychopaths with poor pass marks in their PGCE. Many of them realise that ten grand buys a lot of the illegal tasers and brass knucks necessary for the role. And coping with the stress isn’t going to be an issue as they’ll be confiscating enough narcotics from the pupils to bring Keith Moon back to life.”

If the scheme proves a success, the government will be looking at other financial inducements for teachers. These are expected to be on the provisos they avoid getting any pupils pregnant and promise to stop bastard well moaning about doing a five hour day for forty weeks of the year.

In the meantime, many educators have welcomed the move with one unnamed PE teacher saying “Let’s see if I’ve got this right. I spent three years dicking about at some lowbrow ex-polytechnic followed by another couple of years scraping a PGCE, all the while getting bursaries and the like, yes?

“And now they want to give me an extra ten grand for chucking a football at a bunch of mini gangsters and telling them to get on with it for a couple of hours? I tell you what, it’s money for fucking jam, this teaching lark.”

Russell Hobbs Create Porn-Generating Kettle

THIS ARTICLE CAN NOW BE FOUND AT THE DAILY MASH SITE HERE:



http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/science-%26-technology/scientists-unveil-energy-efficient-porno%11kettle--200901121506/

NHS Failing Carry On-Mandated Targets

‘Shocking Lack Of Double Entendres’ Says Report

A study into standards of NHS wards has shown that, for the 36th year running, they have failed to reach the levels of slapstick naughtiness set by Carry On Matron in 1972.

Over 300 wards and 5,00 patients were examined and the compiler of the government paper, Professor Ivor Tumescent-Penis, stated “It is shocking to think that, as a country, we cannot offer the saucy, ramshackle health service that Carry On Matron promised us over 35 years ago. Just eight of the 300 wards were consistently staffed by buxom nurses wearing seamed stockings, less than 5% of employees could locate their swannee whistle for dropped trouser-related incidents and not one patient interviewed said they’d seen Jim Dale fly down a set of stairs riding a hospital trolley.”

The survey was published on the same day the Conservatives attacked Labour for failing to live up to their manifesto promise to abolish mixed-sex wards. Professor Tumescent-Penis feels, however, that these wards might go some way to attaining the ideal of seaside-postcard healthcare.

“A mixed-sex hospital ward offers far more opportunities for male patients to ogle female patients’ frilly night attire, preferably whilst saying “Corblimey” and slapping the back of their neck.” said the professor “Although single-sex wards would accommodate enormous balding men the opportunity to dress as unconvincing female patients. It’s a question of balance.”

The professor also feels that the shortfall is a training issue. “Current NHS training does not equip junior doctors with the skills required to trip over some bandages and inject the buttocks of a prone patient with an enormous hypodermic. Our inspectors were also saddened to find that no nurse monitored had swaddled somebody from head to foot in bandages.”
An NHS spokesperson, responding to the survey, stated “We offer all our patients the highest level of care possible under very difficult circumstances. While we acknowledge that not every ward can provide jaunty music or a hypochondriac male patient who thinks he’s pregnant, we will try our best to ensure that every hospital wing will be renamed something suggestive and naughty by 2011.”

Windows 7 To Be “More Infuriating Than Ever”

Microsoft Promises 85% Increase In Blood Pressure

During his speech at the CES, Microsoft boss Steve Ballmer announced that members of the public will be able to scream at Beta versions of Windows 7 from January 9th when it will be available to download from a fiddly and often-unavailable site.

Ballmer stated “In today’s difficult economic climate, we feel that what the computing public really needs is a hideously expensive operating system riddled with bugs that can only be properly used on the sort of computers that are usually busy challenging the Grand Masters of chess.”

Key features of Windows 7 looks set to include:

An updated media player that doesn’t play any file known in this or alternate universes, takes half an hour to start and makes any film the user is lucky enough to get to work look like it’s being viewed through a thick pair of women’s tights.

A new version of the infamous Word Paperclip. In Windows 7, an animated Rottweiler will constantly take a steaming shit on, or try to chew up, any document you’re trying to work on. Ballmer has promised that complex algorithms have ensured this feature cannot be switched off. Sound recognition programs in Windows 7 will guarantee that weeping entreaties from the user will start the Rottweiller chuckling like Muttley from Wacky Races.

Anti-piracy measures will mean that any illegally-copied versions of Windows 7 will cause a pistol to appear from the user’s keyboard and unload eight rounds of copper-jacketed death into their faces. Windows 7 will then set fire to the user’s house and leave their decapitated head on a pike outside the burnt shell of the building as a warning to others.

A whole new range of fascinating and utterly incomprehensible error messages await the users of Windows 7. These will include “Error 90210 – parameters smell like mice”, “Fatal Incident 42: Get out of the house, this thing’s going to blow.” and “You press the Ctrl key. A silver dragon appears and burns you alive. Please turn back to page 72.”

Ballmer also promised that all drivers installed into Windows 7 will have the half-life of Polonium 214, the operating system will have all the compatibility of a Palestinian/Jewish mixed-race marriage and will have a product activation code longer than Pi. “Oh, and all the buttons will be in completely different places on all the programs too.” he added.

Anonymous sources claim that after his speech, Ballmer stated “To be honest, 99% of people just want a computer that they can use without having to have an engineering degree. Because we promise to deliver that, we can make the damned thing as temperamental as we want. In fact we’ve added a feature that pops up a massive photo of my saggy nut sack if the user tries to uninstall Windows 7. Why? Because we can.”

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up Newsily

“Totally Worth It” Says Rabies Victim’s Mother
The mother of Lisa McMurray, who died from rabies after working in a South African animal sanctuary, has told reporters that “If just one scrawny Jack Russell gets a couple more months living in an unventilated cage on some disregarded veldt, then my young daughter’s terrifying death will have been absolutely worth it.”

Ms McMurray reported feeling unwell after having worked for several months amongst savage, spittle-flecked animals in South Africa but is thought to have put the symptoms down to “A wheat allergy or something”. However, when Ms McMurray started snapping at passers-by her family advised her to seek medical attention.

“She was a lovely girl” said one neighbour “And she died doing what she loved best – maintaining the unwanted existence of a bunch of pack animals on the other side of the globe despite nobody actually having asked her to do so. I think that dying in teeth-grinding agony is what she would have wanted.”

Meanwhile Catherine Ebbsfleet, a worker for AIDS Africa, shouting a statement from a makeshift hospital ward outside Johannesburg over the wails of her HIV-ravaged victims, said “Yeah, thanks a bunch for that Lisa. No, don’t worry, I’ll handle this lot by myself.”

Londoners Saved From Dreadfulness
Thousands of Londoners have been spared from experiencing the absolute awfulness of the Midlands after London Midlands rail services were suspended following problems with power lines. Messages of thanks have poured in to the rail company, with one tear-stained letter stating “I was due to go to a conference on sewage treatment in Wolverhampton today. But thanks to your sterling efforts, rather than being surrounded by millions of tons of damp concrete and chatting to people who sound like stroke victims I’m tucked up on the couch watching the West Wing box set I got for Christmas. Win.”

The good news is not set to last, however, with rails services set to resume later this afternoon. A London Midlands person announced “While we understand commuter’s unwillingness to travel to the British equivalent of Mordor, we cannot delay services any longer. Our main duty is to make money quicker than a hooker with twelve cunts so the trains must start running again.”

Usurious Shitefists Forced to Downscale
UK loan firm Cattles, who specialise in offering flat screen TV vouchers to housing estate proles, has had to reduce its workforce by 20% due to the credit crunch. The company, famous for its slogan “Don’t You Worry What ‘65% APR’ Means” announced the job cuts during a press conference held in its head office located under a railway arch in Hull.

Barry Knutsford, chief enforcer for the firm, stated “Given the current economic climate, we cannot continue to employ the same number of ex-boxers to go around intimidating single parent families. We’re confident many of them will find work throwing drunkards down sets of stairs in low-rent nightclubs or holding up petrol stations”.

If Cattles’ fortunes continue to worsen, the board is expected to apply for a government bail-out package. “They helped those other mobs, Northern Rock and them, didn’t they?” asked Knutsford. “So we’ll have a little word with the chancellor and remind him we know where his daughter lives if you know what I mean.”

Giant Ice Crab Blamed For UK Freeze

“Millions May Have To Rub Their Hands Together” Experts Warn

The whole nation was stunned this morning as it awoke to find that it was a bit chilly outside. Emergency services were flooded with calls from people asking why their feet were really cold, transport was thrown into disarray as large sections of a slippery substance known as ‘ice’ appeared on roads & railway lines and NHS advisors have issued a warning to the public that they might want to put on a jumper or something.

Weather person Edward Ebbsfleet stated “Temperatures that dip below zero have taken us completely by surprise. The UK is usually a balmy, tropical island and we’re more used to giving advice on how to cope with heatstroke. We’re at a loss as to how this has happened.” The scientific community has put forward several competing theories to explain why Britain’s millions of commuters can no longer travel to work wearing flip flops in comfort.

Some have posited the notion that the Earth’s rotation around the sun is an ellipse, causing it to be further away from its warming rays for several months and has caused the phenomenon, dubbed ‘winter’, in the UK for millions of years. But the more widely-held belief is that the country is currently in the grip of a colossal intergalactic ice crab named “Humungo” who was angered after the UK failed to vote Eoghan Quigg the winner of last year’s “X Factor”.

“Humungo is not a fan of Alexendra Burke and feels that Quigg would have broader appeal amongst pre-teen pop fans” says Ebbsfleet. “He is a mighty crustacean, with a short temper, and his claws of snowy doom encircle our nation. It’s surely no coincidence that the onset of these lower temperatures occurred after the X Factor final. If the public can ensure Quigg’s debut single gets to number one, we can only hope that Humungo will be appeased and take his wrath elsewhere.”

Until this happens, Ebbsfleet has offered several tips to stay warm. “Closing all exterior doors and windows seem to be effective and if you have radiators in your house, making them go all warm might help. We’ve had unconfirmed reports that a nice hot cup of tea can also reverse the effects.”

But while Humungo’s pincers of freeze continue to hold the country in their chilly embrace, it is feared that many more will succumb to the crisis already being dubbed as “Like Autumn only a lot more parky.”

Travolta Son Dies Of “Imbalanced Dynamics”

Jet’s Operating Thetan Level Was ‘Fish’ At Time Of Death

John Travolta has revealed that his 16-year-old son Jet died while on holiday due to the fact “He had failed to attend the $5,000 Scientology course that deals with not drowning in the bath”. The Battlefield Earth chindimple stated that “Our trusted Scientology pathologist - the former actress Kirstie Alley – has shown that my beloved son was taken from us after his dynamic relating to ‘Life’ was, like, totally out of whack.”

Jet’s body was discovered by Travolta in the early hours of Saturday morning. It is believed that the sort-of-actor had been attending a function dedicated to building a three-hundred foot monument to L Ron Hubbard constructed entirely out of fifty-dollar bills.

Scientology spokesperson Teck Ebbsfleet explained “The human person is made up of eight dynamics relating to different areas of existence – ‘Spirituality’, ‘Self’, ‘Gullibility’ and so on. Each of them has a direct impact on our day to day life. That will be eight hundred dollars, please”.

“According to our audit records Mr Travolta’s son was behind schedule for the training course relating to ‘Life’. In this course, via a series of Direct Debit-based lessons, we show the subject how a trillion-year-old spirit, formerly suffering under the extraterrestrial dictatorship of Helatrobus, can hold back an individual and stop him from sucking up bathwater like a hungry aardvark. What? No, really, I’m deadly serious. Fifteen hundred dollars, please.”

Travolta, who shot to fame for not being shit in three of his many films, is to fly Jet’s body to the International Church Of Scientology for a private funeral later this week. He is expected to donate several million dollars to the legally-protected religion in order to ensure that Jet’s Thetan level on reincarnation is sufficient to grant him steady work in regional theatre.

Messages of condolence have been sent from many of Hollywood’s famous blank-eyed lunatics. Tom Cruise said “Our thoughts go out to John at this time, although we know he won’t feel depressed about it because psychology is just bullshit. I know these things, for I am Tom Cruise. Hear me now, o globe. Hear the words of Tom Cruise.” Katie Holmes added a more cryptic message of sorrow, saying “I please am help very me saddened Tom to is hear keeping about me Jet. Prisoner He the was fucking a gibbering great moron kid.

As a mark of respect, Scientology representatives across the globe will drape black cloth over their ‘E Meters’ while buttonholing confused and lonely passers-by outside their joyless centres.