Recession Will “Weed Out The Arseholes” Says Darling

Five Years Of Economic Misery ‘Cleansing’ Says Chancellor

Chancellor Alistair Darling has defended the UK’s nosedive into a financial dungheap by saying it will “Rid this fine country of the many, many people that hold us back from greatness.”

Launching his new financial initiative, entitled “Less Moaning Bastards For A Better Britain”, Darling stated “Our economy has blossomed under a Labour government, leading to the best standard of living this country has ever seen. An Xbox in every bedroom and an iPod in every pocket, to paraphrase Herbert Hoover.”

“However, economic models throughout the ages have followed the Hegelian model of thesis, antithesis and synthesis. Or to put it another way, we’ve had it sweet for a while, so now we’re up shit street without an A-Z.”

Listing the key areas in which the economy has crashed like a drunken, texting lorry driver into a bus queue, Darling outlined how this will improve the country as a whole:

Property Market: “The general trend has been for a steady rise in property values across the UK. While this has led to increased financial security for many families, it has also led to endless, tedious bastard conversations about how much the nominal value on a chosen heap of masonry has increased over twelve months. Jesus, I’d rather talk about goat farming.”

“And then there’s estate agents. Fucking, fucking, fucking, fuckfucks. A slump in the housing market will realign the public’s perception of what a house is actually for – it’s somewhere to fall into after the pubs have shut.”

Home Fuel Prices: “Many may say that energy suppliers seem to have plucked a figure out of the air, multiplied it by seven, added their daughter’s age then whacked it on to the top of your gas bill. They may well be right, as I haven’t bothered to check. If you think I’m going to cross your average Russian oil trillionaire, you must think I have ‘twat’ sewn into my underpants.”

“But the average age of the UK’s population currently stands at 78. Skyrocketing gas bills combined with a really cold snap round about February will ease the nation’s hospital, pension and cat food burden immeasurably.”

Petrol Prices: “As mentioned above, I really don’t want to wake up in a ditch somewhere with my knees broken and my head on fire, so whatever they want to charge for petrol is fine by me, as long as they leave my bollocks unchewed.”

“But if a litre of petrol eventually costs more than a bottle of 30-year-old single malt whiskey, it will mean that unbearable turds zooming around in their Range Rovers will disappear overnight. And it will piss that Clarkson feller off no end, which can’t be a bad thing.”

Food Bills: “Most of you are too fucking fat anyway. Simple as.”

Darling’s economic strategy has been hailed by financial experts, with one saying “Politics has been dubbed ‘the art of the possible’ but Darling has shown it’s really the art of being a pragmatic, heartless prick.”