Government Declares War On Carrier Bags

"Yes, Even The Really Thin Ones Corner Shops Use" Says PM

Gordon Brown has declared all-out war on carrier bags, stating “They are the flimsy plastic axis of non-biodegradable evil. This is the greatest threat to the environmental health of our nation since the last thing we focussed on to distract from more important issues. Bird flu, wasn’t it?”

Brown has established a new cabinet post – Minister For Making People Buy Those Hessian Bags Hippies Use – and plans to rush radical new legislation through parliament. This includes 90-day detention without trial for those suspected of only using a bag once and police powers to raid properties where there may be a kitchen drawer full saved Sainsbury bags.

The Prime Minister said “It is estimated that if all the bags used in the UK every week were laid end to end, they would reach from London to Kabul. Coincidence? I think not.” MI6 have already compiled dossiers on plastic manufacturers across the UK, with Brown labelling them “Potential anti-environmental cells of eco-terroristical subversion.”

English Heritage have voiced some concern over the new powers, saying “Plastic bags have become part of the British landscape. Literally. All of us can remember the first time we saw one stuck in a hedge or floating down a canal. And I’d hate to think that my grandson will never know the delight of finding a plastic bag on some wasteground full of grot mags. While I see the need to protect the environment, these traditions must be preserved.”

Knutsford resident Archie Ebbsfleet is determined to fight the government’s crackdown on the small, handy items of conveyance. Ebbsfleet is a well-known Knutsford figure, often seen pushing his shopping trolley full of carrier bags around the town centre, relaxing in the central library park surrounded by urine or being asked to leave Safeway for handling the fresh fruit.

When asked what he thought about the clamp-down, Ebbsfleet stated “Yer fuckin’. Yeha. What? I dunno, pal, I wasn’t there when it happened, yer know? Hahaha. Eh? Gerroff me fuckin’ bags. Susie? Where’s Susie? I just wanna sleep now, I’m tired. GERROF ME FUCKIN’ BAGS!”

1970s Comedian/Judge Disrupts Sentencing

"Best Of Order For The Sentencing" Demands Frilly-Shirted Judge

The sentencing of Kate Knight, found guilty of the attempted poisoning of her husband, was thrown into disarray today as the court was accidentally placed in the hands of a 1970s club comedian.

Mrs Knight was found guilty of putting antifreeze in her husband’s food, prompting Acting Lord Justice Barry Ebbsfleet to remark “Bugger me, and I thought the wife’s cooking were bad, eh? Mind you, if my missus had a dial on her like that, I’d have bloody well eaten it. Ho-ho.”

Mrs Knight attempted the murder of her husband to claim on a £130,000 payout from his employers. Justice Ebbsfleet remarked “Typical woman, eh? The only thing the missus blows of mine is me paycheck. Know what I mean, fellers? Take your glasses back to the bar.”

The murder attempt has left Mr Knight blind and partially deaf, although Justice Ebbsfleet believed “He’s a lucky bugger. I can still see mine. And even when I go down to the boozer I can still hear my wife. I wouldn’t say she’s loud but when she sneezes, the washing blows off the line. Try the veal, folks.”

The fateful meal was served to Mr Knight on the evening of the couple’s seventh wedding anniversary. Justice Ebbsfleet suggested that this should have raised his suspicions. “For my seventh anniversary, the wife asked me to take her somewhere she’d never been before. So I took her to the kitchen. I’m here all week.”

The court had heard that Mrs Knight had spoken to her neighbour about hiring a hitman. This proved, in Justice Ebbsfleet’s opinion, that “Women – they’re always bloody gassing, aren’t they? My missus asked me why I didn’t talk to her anymore. I said “I never get the flaming chance.” I tell you, she talks constantly. I’m sure she must have bloody gills. Thankyouverymuch.”

Justice Ebbsfleet rounded off the summing-up of his case with a rendition of ‘My Way’ and a reminder that a meat raffle was due to take place in Court 2 shortly.

Home Secretary Completely Loses Plot

“She’s Gone Totally Gascoigne” Says Backbencher

Britain’s burgeoning drug addict population were essentially told to “Get on the rob, quick-smart” by the increasingly-frantic Home Secretary Jacqui Smith yesterday as she unleashed a fistful of eccentric policies on an unprepared public.

Most notable amongst the scatterbrained edicts was that in future, drug addicts would lose their benefits unless agreeing to treatment. “We, or rather I, think that by taking away what little legitimate money drug addicts can get to feed their habits, this will force them into rehabilitation.” said Smith.

Many experts feel that rehabilitation only works with willing subjects and that enforced poverty will essentially compel drug addicts into criminal behaviour. But Smith was adamant. “I am aware of the mountains of evidence that contradict my view, but by screwing my eyes shut and screaming the theme tune to Space Pirates, I can blot that out easily enough.”

Other policies unveiled in Smith’s white paper entitled “Drugs Smell Of Poo & I Hate Them 4 Eva” included:

If your name sounds a bit like a drug, a policeman will follow you around for the rest of your life in case you do something bad. Knutsford MP Simon Cockayne has described the plan as “Madder than a Yardie’s dog.”

Ofsted inspectors will mark down any school where pupils can name more than eight synonyms for marijuana.

Anybody who has that poster from ‘Scarface’ in their house can expect twelve hairy-arsed bailiffs to kick through their door at 5am, have some indecipherable court papers waved under their nose, then watch as they ransack their house for anything of value.

All GPs will be compelled to tell patients, at every single visit, ‘Stop smoking. Stop iiiit. Stooooop smoooookiiiing. Dooooon’t. Sooooooop smooooking.’. Whether they smoke or not.

Children of drug addicts will be dragged through the streets by a fat beadle singing ‘Boy For Sale’ like Harry Secombe did in ‘Oliver!’

Jacqui Smith announced her white paper whilst bouncing on a space hopper with “Heroin is rubbish” scrawled across it in magic marker. The chief Labour whip, when asked to explain her increasingly illogical behaviour, rolled his eyes and said “I know, what’s she like, eh? T’chah.”

‘Cheer The Fuck Up’ says GP

'There Was No Prozac In The Blitz, You Weedy Bastards" Patients Advised

The British Council Of General Practitioners have urged the public to ‘Stop bloody moping and get on with things’ following new clinical research into the effectiveness of antidepressants.

The research was carried out by Hull University, primarily on the principle that if you want to study mountains you go to Austria, so if you want to study depressed people Hull is as good a place as any. The research concluded that the drugs only work on severely depressed patients, with placebo tablets having the same affect on less serious cases.

Senior GP Spencer Ebbsfleet explained the results of the research. “This confirms a conversation I have in my surgery at least eight times a day. There is a vast, yawning chasm of a difference between depression and merely being a bit fed up. Many of my patients come into my office blithely stating they’re depressed like they’re Raj fucking Persaud or something.

However, when I ask them whether their soul feels like a churning pit of emptiness, whether the only thing preventing a suicide attempt is a crippling sense of lethargy or whether all joy has been sucked out of their life and been replaced with a stultifying numbness, they usually say ‘no’. It’s usually that they’ve had a row with the missus or somebody in work is being a bit of a bitch to them.”

Ebbsfleet applauded the research findings, saying “At last I’ll have something to fling in their faces before rowing them out of my office. For 95% of patients complaining of depression I can now prescribe losing a bit of weight, possibly starting a new hobby, but certainly snapping the fuck out of it and leaving me alone so I can treat actually, properly sick people.”

GlaxoSmithKline, in a press statement that surprised precisely nobody, disagreed with the findings. “Look, the stuff might make you impotent, constipated and suicidal. But we shift millions of the little buggers every day, so if you think we’re going to tell people to stop taking them, you must be twice as mad as the fuckers who take Seroxat in the first place.”

Care Home Investigation Reveals ‘Shocking Lack Of Abuse’

'It Was Nothing Like A Scene From Dickens' Says Stunned Inspector

State inspectors looking into allegations made against a children’s home in Knutsford have found “An almost unbelievable lack of neglect, mismanagement or fiddling.”

Inpectors descended onto the children’s home in the early hours of Sunday morning, prepared with dozens of counsellors, minibuses to bundle away traumatised youths and a box full of ‘Show Me Where They Touched You’ dolls. However, the scene that met them when they arrived was, in the words of one inspector “A breathtaking display of compassion, warmth and support.”

“In twenty years of doing this job, I’ve never seen anything like it.” said managing inspector Annie Ebbsfleet. “Every time we looked into a new room, there were further examples of hand-painted murals, comfortable furniture and in the main office there were even letters of thanks from former residents. Nothing can prepare you for stuff like this.”

“At first it seemed like an ordinary child abuse swoop. All the kids were huddled in one room, crying and shaking. We were all ready to ferry the children away to temporary foster homes across the country, severing ties with their friends so they’d not be reminded of the systematic sexual abuse they’d suffered. But it soon became apparent their distress was due to us kicking the doors in and subduing all the staff with a baton charge.”

Once the situation had calmed down and the children had been seperately interviewed, the full truth came to light. “We employed our standard interview technique. The kids were spoken to seperately in a room full of unfamiliar care-giving professionals. We told them that they could tell us anything – had they been starved? Beaten, perhaps? Had any grownup pushed something up their bottoms? I then roleplayed a brutal shower rape to see if it rung any bells with any of the kids. But not a dicky bird. It was quite extraordinary.”

Ebbsfleet said that investigations were not yet complete, but early indications seem to suggest that the home offered professional, caring support to vulnerable youths in a clean, safe environment and was staffed by hard-working, dedicated individuals. “It’s only a matter of time, though. Maybe there’s asbestos in the roof or they’re fiddling their taxes. There’s always something. If not, there’s a nursing home down the road and they’re always good for a bit of neglect. It’s not all doom and gloom.”

Gascoigne ‘No Longer Funny’

'Fog In The Mind Is All Mine' Says Former England Moron

Following his detention under the Mental Health Act, sports brain specialist Gary Ebbsfleet has declared that Paul Gascoigne’s behaviour is ‘No longer funny. As of today, rather than chuckling indulgently at the antics of a maverick sports genius, we should immediately shake our heads sadly at the tragic decline of a sports genius. It’s a difficult transition, but I would ask the public to make the effort.’

Ebbsfleet feels that recent events show that the public will be able to make this sudden switch of sporting emotions, with everybody stopping hating Manchester United for a day because of the anniversary of the Munich Air Disaster.

Gascoigne has had a eventful life, with many experts dubbing him ‘The most talented England midfielder ever to make an advert with Gary Lineker’. Gascoigne’s England career, in which he scored a whopping one goal more than Colin Bell, is best remembered for the Italia 90 semifinal against Germany. Having been properly punished for something he shouldn’t have actually done, Gascoigne realised he wouldn’t be able to appear in a match England never actually played in. When the true enormity of the hypothetical situation sunk in, Gascoigne famously abandoned the duties he’d been put onto the pitch to do and started crying. Thus a legend was born.

Gascoigne took no time in capitalising on his new-found fame by drinking like a wino on New Year’s Eve, sticking his tongue out at cameras, wearing strap-on plastic tits, knocking the shite out of his wife and trying to decapitate Garry Parker in the FA Cup final.

His career was plagued with injury following that game, as his continued drinking, fucking around in nightclubs and eating more than a tapeworm at a free buffet hindered a return to form. As a result, fans only saw occasional flickers of the formerly bright spark, such as insulting the Italian press and inciting sectarian violence whilst at Rangers.

But Ebbsfleet feels that the Gascoigne the public once knew and formerly tolerated despite being a drunken, wifebeating fucking idiot is no more. “If you’ve seen recent footage of him, he looks like a half-starved turkey that has seen too much. I doubt we’ll see Alan Shearer smiling benevolently as Gazza babbles incoherently ever again.”

Cancer Link Proves Existence Of God

"Put It On Vibrate" To Become 11th Commandment, Says Expert

Research by Tel Aviv University scientists that shows a link between heavy mobile phone usage and increased risk of cancer has “Categorically proven there is a God.” according to one expert.

The study, recently published in The American Journal Of Epidemiology, showed a 50% rise in salivary gland cancer in frequent mobile phone users. Science person Eric Ebbsfleet stated “This goes a long way to proving the power of prayer to a just, almighty and rather angry God. Clearly, many millions of reasonable people have reached the end of their collective tethers after being forced to earwig the endless fucking prattle of thoughtless turds. This has prompted them, usually through gritted teeth, to pray for some higher power to riddle the offender with tumours.”

Ebbsfleet claims that by smiting phone users with such a rare and virulent form of cancer, God is sending out a very clear message – “Nobody wants to hear your inconsequential fucking babble on the train or in the pub. Whatever it is you’re talking about – who you snogged in Chaser’s nightclub on Saturday, your opinions on last weekend’s football, the latest developments in Eastenders – stow it until you get home.”

When asked whether Ebbsfleet’s three pending assault charges – in all cases the victims were allegedly clubbed around the head with their own Nokia – were examples of God’s will, he replied “He moves in mysterious ways, His wonders to perform. Especially if I’m trying to read my sodding book on the train in peace.”

Ebbsfleet feels that the study could also prompt further research into whether being an obnoxious, racist prick-end in public can increase the likelihood of having a massive stroke at a young age. “Clearly, anecdotal evidence suggests otherwise. Bernard Manning and Enoch Powell both lived to ripe old ages, and Mel Gibson doesn’t look a day over 45. But if we can publish an easily-understood paper that suggests it might, the effects on everyday life would be tremendous.”

Aiming his proposed research paper at Daily Mail readers, Ebbsfleet has suggested the title “Say the word coon one more time and you’re dead.”

Music Poll Reveals General Public ‘Are Fucking Idiots’

'You Deserve Fucking Coldplay' Says Expert

After ‘Definitely Maybe’ came top in Q magazine’s Greatest British Album poll, music expert Larry Ebbsfleet has said “This proves, incontrovertibly, that Great Britain is awash with lumpen, cloth-eared morons who couldn’t spot a tune with three hands and a floodlight.”

Oasis was an overwhelmingly popular band in the poll, with ‘What’s The Story Morning Glory’ coming second, and two further of the band’s albums in the poll. “I mean, actually what the fuck?” asked Ebbsfleet. “They’re a frigging pub band with an unhealthy penchant for ripping off the Beatles. They’re ELO without the violins. Their second album has a song that apes Gary Glitter. A paedo, for christ’s sake. What’s wrong with these people?”

“And you try whistling anything off their other two albums. Go on, I’ll wait.” Ebbsfleet continued.

Other surprise entries were Keane’s ‘Under The Iron Sea’ at number eight, causing Ebbsfleet to scream incoherently for several minutes before shouting “This is what happens when middle-managers and suburban housewives are let anywhere near HMV. Keane is the sound of mildly upset toffs who’ve listened to too much Billy Joel. And don’t even get me started on that pug-faced twat.”

More established acts appeared in the top ten, with The Beatles’ Revolver reaching number four, but this was scant solace for Ebbsfleet. “Well, whoopy-fucking-cock. They voted two Beatles albums in the top ten. They even got that wrong. ‘Sgt Peppers’ isn’t a patch on 'The White Album', the ignorant pigbastards. Anyway, so what? Apparently the entire collected ouvre of The Rolling Stones, Nick Drake, Led Zeppelin and New Order aren’t a patch on the sodding Verve. I give up.”

Q magazine’s editor gave a more measured response to the results. “I think this poll shows that the Great British public has a deep and abiding love for voting for meaningless things. Our sales go up about 20% when we do stuff like this. And there’s the premium-rate phone lines to factor in, too. Coining it in. I reckon we’ll do one next month – 50 best haircuts in pop, something like that. You could make it anything – ‘Top 50 songs with a ‘f’ in the title' – and people would still vote in droves. They’re like children, really.”

The awards ceremony for Q’s album poll is due in some West End place this weekend, with Justin Lee Fucking Collins probably giving out the gongs.

‘Suppose I Kick Your Spine Out?’ Say Smokers

LSE Professor Talks Through Arse

Pro-smoking groups have hit back at a proposed ‘smoking permit’ law by suggesting a tandem ‘Mealymouthed Priggish Fuck’ scheme.

The debate was started after LSE professor Julian Le Grand suggested introducing a yearly £10 ‘smoking permit’, which would need to be presented before buying tobacco.

"Suppose every individual who wanted to buy tobacco had to purchase a permit. And suppose further they had to do this every year.” said Le Grand. “To get a permit would involve filling out a form and supplying a photograph, as well as paying the fee. Permits would only be issued to those over 18 and evidence of age would have to be provided. The money raised would go to the NHS."

Pro-smoking spokesman Tab Ebbsfleet reacted to Le Grand’s statement by saying “Good point. Interesting. But how about this? Suppose we found out where you lived? And suppose further we kicked your fucking spine up through your shirt collar, you prissy, meddling little cunt? Suppose we did that, eh? Eh?”

Le Grand has branded his scheme an example of “Libertarian Paternalism”, but Ebbsfleet preferred to call it an example of “Smart-arsed nannying bumwad.”

“Okay, here’s an idea, then.” Ebbsfleet continued “How about this? If anybody wants to be a presumptuous, interfering, po-faced, joyless little prick they have to present a photo permit? Before being allowed to pontificate like some Victorian nanny, they had to wave one of them around. It could say ‘Authorised Fun Vacuum’ on it or something.”

Le Grand’s paper went on to suggest daily ‘exercise hours’ for employees as well as banning salt in processed food. He told press “Off the record, I also think we should bury anybody with impure blood in a landfill, measure people’s craniums to assess their criminality and shoot anybody who isn’t tall, blond and can do 200 push-ups.”

A Department Of Health spokesman commented on Le Grand’s proposal by saying “Oh, yeah, we’ll get onto that straight away. Just as soon as we’ve implanted a chip into everybody’s brain that tells them not to eat pasties. Fucking idiot.”

Ombudsman Opens Competition For Buying Shite

Return To 'Open All Hours Economy' Promised

The Competition Commission looking into the monopoly major supermarkets have over grocery buying in the UK have promised a fundamental shake-up, promising consumers “There should be more options for buying your drooling brats their dinosaur-shaped chips.”

Currently in the UK, the four major supermarkets account for three-quarters of the sales of microwaveable cheeseburgers, Tizer-flavoured cereal and sugary pop with Pingu on the bottle. Under new Commission guidelines, every consumer would have the choice of at least two dozen outlets to trawl their mewling spawn around.

“Healthy competition is the hallmark of a thriving economy” said Commission director Ting Ebbsfleet. “At the moment, grocery shopping is almost exclusively in the hands of the four major supermarkets. This forces the public to buy a dizzying array of competitively-priced goods in clean, efficient, well-staffed shops. New legislation would see the resurgence of independently-run local shops, run by surly harridans selling overpriced tins of out-of-date haslet.”

Tesco have hit back at the news by launching a new customer-loyalty scheme. “In addition to our Tesco Points system, any customer spending more than £30 can get pissed as a raccoon in our booze aisle for free.” said Tesco marketing manager Jay Arthur. “Simply present your till receipt to a member of staff at the drinks aisle and you can get yourself cunted on as much Boddingtons as you like. Seriously, go mad. It’s on us.”

Other chains are launching similar loyalty schemes, such as Asda’s “Hand Job From Our Cleaner” campaign and Sainsbury’s “Free Otter With Every Purchase” promotion.

When asked whether The Big Four were worried about the Commission’s plan to open up competition, a consortium spokesman commented “Our manifest destiny shall not be denied. The Commission will soon find that those who attempt to thwart us shall be utterly destroyed. The future belongs to us! Our triumph shall be absolute! DEATH TO THE UNBELIEVERS!!!” before cackling maniacally for five minutes.

Australian PM Apologises To The World For Russell Crowe

"The Pretentious Drunken Frowning Must Stop" Says PM

In a dignified and moving ceremony in Canberra last night, Australian PM Kevin Rudd apologised for the ‘Pain, suffering and grief” caused to the world by Russell Crowe.

“To the generations that have suffered mediocre films, we say sorry. To the film producers and TV execs that have endured childish tantrums, we say sorry. To anybody that has had to endure that woeful band he plays in, we say sorry.”

Rudd’s speech was seen as the first step toward reconciliation with the world’s cinema-lovers. Several years ago, former PM John Howard controversially refused to apologise for Russell Crowe stating “LA Confidential wasn’t bad.” Rudd, however, acknowledged that “While ‘Gladiator’ and indeed ‘LA Confidential’ were good films, this can in no way mitigate ‘Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunts”.

The PM has drafted a bill outlawing further emissions from Crowe’s pub band, as well as stringent controls on future musical ventures from all Australian actors “To prevent this terrible tragedy from happening again”. Under new guidelines, said Rudd, other atrocities such as Nicole Kidman’s duet with Robbie Williams might have been averted.

In front of a massed crowd bearing banners such as ‘Romper Stomper Was Actually Shit’ and ‘Cinderella Man – What The Fuck?’ Rudd continued “While I stand before you today to apologise for allowing Crowe to proliferate, I do not feel that this is the time for recriminations. Guy Pearce and that feller who played Jim Robinson in ‘Neighbours’ have shown that the system can work but we must be vigilant. After the whole Paul Hogan disaster, we were perhaps complacent that this could never happen again in our lifetime.”

Rudd ruled out the possibility of financial reparations, but has agreed in principal to a DVD amnesty to purge Australia of Crowe’s outpourings. Work has already begun on a ‘Master & Commander’ landfill site. Rudd has also mooted a restorative justice program, whereby any journalist, runner or director affected by Crowe will be flown to Australia and be allowed to punch Shane Warne in the face.

Murdering 9/11 Scum Promised ‘Fair Trial’

"May They Rot In Hell If Or When They're Found Guilty" Says Chertoff



US Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff has promised the six suspects of the 9/11 bombings “An unbiased, just hearing before sending them straight to juddering, screaming hell on Old Sparky.”

Facing charges of murder, conspiracy and being goddamn A-rabs, the six men will be tried by military tribunal. Under US International law, the tribunal system is seen as the fairest way of dealing with the “Kebab-munching motherfuckers that pissed on old glory”, in the words of one senior US official.

Human Rights groups have raised fears about the fairness of the trials, but Chertoff assured the press that “Being screamed at in a courtroom full of guys packing heat will not be intimidating for the terrorists. Sorry, ‘suspects’. After all, we had to near-drown them, pound the tar out of them and make them eat their own shit before they’d confess. Being bulldozed through the legal process will be like a cakewalk in comparison.”

Two of the suspects, Khalid Ebbsfleet & Ramzi Knutsford, have appealed against the tribunal hearing, asking for the case to be heard in a US civilian court. As a precautionary measure, Chertoff has already assembled a jury consisting of New York firemen, widowed pilots and Rush Limbaugh.

Pre-trial hearings have given some indication of the evidence the prosecution will be relying on. Leading up to the 9/11 bombings, several of the suspects were seen ‘Looking like that sonofabitch Saddam’ by security services. At least one suspect was heard by startled co-workers to say “Man. America sucks, don’t it?” just two days before the attack. And all suspects allegedly ran away from heavily-armed security operatives screaming “What have I done? What have I done? Please, help me!”, which CIA experts have taken as a clear indication of guilt.

“It would be quite wrong of me to comment on a trial before it has taken place” said Chertoff “All I would say is that America cannot, and will not, tolerate foreign, shifty-looking cocksuckers who refuse to own up to what they did.”

Camden Fire Caused By ‘Unattended Winehouse’

'Whole Area Will Smell Of Burnt Hemp For Weeks' Say Officials

Investigators looking into the blaze that tore through Camden market on Saturday evening have said there are indications it could have started by an unattended Amy Winehouse.

“It’s early days” said fire chief Sarah Ebbsfleet “But there are strong indications that the fire was due to an unattended celebrity, quite possibly an Amy Winehouse.” Cans of hairspray and old Stax records have been identified as accelerants in the fire, prompting the theory that it was sparked by an unsupervised Winehouse.

“This just highlights once again the dangers of improperly administered celebrities. Stars are highly volatile and if they’re not properly handled, a smoldering actor can explode without warning. I’ve seen footage of a Russell Crowe going off in Cannes and he took the face off a PA who was standing nearby.” said Ebbsfleet.

The Camden blaze was an accident waiting to happen, according to Ebbsfleet. “We’ve been warning people for several years about the irresponsible dumping of celebrities in the Camden area, especially The Hawley Arms. On just one evening shift, we had to remove Johnny Borrell, Sadie Frost and a couple of Gallaghers. All it would have taken is the spark from one paparazzo’s flashbulb and the whole place would have been destroyed.”

Local residents have been urged to stay away from the market after several dreadlocked trustafarians were seen taking hits of the smouldering wreckage before babbling on earnestly about Bob Marley for eight hours straight.

Ebbsfleet said the fire is now under control but issued safety tips to stop such an incident happening again:

· Never stack multiple celebrities in a confined space. They should be stored separately in dedicated Winnebagos / trailers.
· Do not approach a celebrity that appears heated or smouldering. Even if the celebrity appears harmless they may have a bodyguard that could twist your spine so it looks like an ampersand drawn by a chimp.
· Never leave celebrities unattended. If left alone, they can cause untold damage, especially to hotel rooms.


Meanwhile in the US, fire investigators have still to confirm whether a California blaze that killed eight people was caused by a runner offering an A-list actor a glass of tap water.

Ungrateful Bastard Sues BA

"Where There's Heroism, There's A Claim" Says Passenger

Following the crash landing of Flight 38 on January 17th, in which pilot John Coward averted a major disaster by steering the stricken Boeing to safety, one passenger has decided to sue BA for “Shits, giggles and most importantly – cash.”

University Lecturer Paul Strafford told the press “Many might think that, after the pilot skilfully manoeuvred hundreds of tons of metal going a few hundred miles an hour to safety, I might show a modicum of gratitude. Well, they’re wrong. I’ve been mildly perturbed since the incident and I think my mild perturbation should be compensated with a cheque fat enough to burst a padded envelope.”

BA confirmed that Strafford, along with all other passengers on the flight, had been written to personally with an apology and an offer of counselling. “They can sodding well whistle if they think I’m settling for that” said Strafford “If some fat bint can get five grand for slipping on an office floor, like in that advert, this must be a goldmine.”

A relative of Strafford, who wished to remain nameless, confirmed his history of breathtaking ingratitude. “Paul’s always been the same” said the anonymous twin brother. “I remember when I saved him from drowning when he was twelve, he banged on for two months about the shoe he’d lost in the river. He reckoned I should have dived back in to retrieve it, rather than ‘taking a breather in my wheelchair’.”

Strafford, who lectures in Unappreciative Shitbag Studies at Knutsford University, went on “I’ve hardly slept a wink since the accident. I manage six hours, maybe seven at most a night. That’s hardly fair, is it? And my coffee spilt over my trousers when the pilot was stopping us from turning into a hurtling metallic deathball. Well, they’re going to pay through the nose for it. How dare they?”

John Coward was unavailable for comment, but sources close to the pilot say his response to the news was “What? The cheeky fucking turd. I wish I’d used his bollocks for air brakes. Next time I hit a bit of turbulence, I’m parachuting the fuck out. Let them deal with it.”

Tube Drivers Demand “A Diamond The Size Of A Rugby Ball”

RMT Insist That Members Need "More Money Than You Could Count In A Lifetime"

Negotiations with London Underground drivers broke down last night after RMT representatives demanded “A tropical island near Mauritius, a diamond the size of a human head and diverse other trinkets, sweetmeats and fancies.”

TFL chief Jed Ebbsfleet said “We feel their requests are becoming increasingly unreasonable. Just six months ago, we granted tube drivers ermine uniforms and first go on senior manager’s daughters. And last year, we bowed to their demands for a Picasso for every driver and three weeks paid holiday in Vegas, with hotel rooms & hookers thrown in. We want to work with the union to reach an agreement but I don’t see how that can be achieved.”

Tube train workers are currently in the top two percentile in terms of pay in the country, with an average wage exceeding that of the CEO of Shell, Jonathan Ross and Lewis Hamilton.

The RMT were adamant, however, that negotiations were actually concerned with issues of safety. “We must protect the wellbeing of our staff” said RMT spokesman Gordon Riot. “Tube drivers do a very stressful and difficult job. It’s not just sitting in a cab, letting the automated system propel the train in a straight line while they read The Daily Sport and scratch their balls. Regardless of the staggeringly overwhelming evidence to the contrary.”

Riot went on to say that the TFL were asking staff to work upwards of six hours a day, often alone without any mates to have a natter with or leer at women together. He also criticised TFL’s use of agency staff – “It’s a well-known fact that agency staff get paid well above the going rate in any line of work. If anybody’s going to get extra wedge, it’s going to be our members. I mean, fair’s fair.”

RMT has balloted its members on strike action. The leaked communication was sent to all members in an email entitled “Let’s see what a week of having to drag their arses into work on the bus will do to the miserable fuckers.” The balloting options were listed as:

A: Carry on working for a frigging fortune, if that’s what you want.
B: Grind the capital to a halt and screw money out of them until their eyes squeak.

News Round Up

All The News, Rounded Up

ENTERTAINMENT:
The Home Office is considering reclassifying Amy Winehouse as a Class B substance. There are fears that Amy Winehouse is proving to be far more potent than first thought. “After what’s happened over the last twelve months, we feel possession of Amy Winehouse should be punishable by up to three years in jail” said spokesman Rex Ebbsfleet. “Kids may think that hanging out with Winehouse is just a bit of fun, harmless even. But we have documentary evidence to prove it can lead to hard drug use, imprisonment and fucking awful tattoos”.

SPORT:
Ahead of his first game in charge tonight, Fabio Capello has instigated a new regime in which players are encouraged to “Act their fucking age”. FA chief Brian Barwick said “Capello brings with him years of experience, obviously, but he also has new and exciting ways of managing the England squad. Behaving like adults, treating the thing like an actual job rather than a 3-day beano and actually giving a crusty shit about their performance are all things Capello is asking the players to focus on. It’s a whole new way of thinking, but we hope it will garner results” After tonight’s game, it is expected that Capello will implement his revolutionary “You’re sodding useless and you’re out of the squad” technique.

POLITICS:

Following Home Secretary Jacqui Smith’s plan to confiscate any alcohol being carried by under-18s, further plans to take candy from babies is also being considered. “We must be ceaseless in our pursuit of physical perfection” said Smith “And police should have the right to steal sweeties from kids who look like they may grow up to be fatties.” Another element of the scheme will be a new “Stop & Give Me 20 Press-Ups” power to be awarded to police.

CRIME:
Mark Dixie, the man accused of raping and murdering model Sally Anne Bowman, has had his defence plea dismissed as being “Stupendously childish”. After Dixie stated he’d had sex with Bowman’s dead body after he’d found her in the street, prosecution lawyers said “Essentially, he’s using an excuse I haven’t used since I was twelve – It Was Like This When I Found It.”
Dixie’s other lines of defence have included “You’re always blaming me” “S’not fair” and “Shut uuuuup”. Prosecution are expected to counter Dixie’s claims by stating “Hnngghh! Chinny reckon! Jimmy Hill!”

Assassins Await Result Of Super Tuesday

'Super Tuesday Is Shooter Tuesday', Says Spokesman

With Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton neck & neck in the US primaries going into Super Tuesday, the American Supremacist Sons (ASS) are feverishly anticipating who, if eventually elected president, they will mow down in a hail of bullets.

ASS are a loosely-affiliated organisation based in Alabama, whose mission statement reads: “We cherish the inalienable right of every Satan-hating American man to do whatever he goddamn pleases without some pinko, woman or spook interfering with our bidness.”

Chad Ebbsfleet, Utmost Grand Sorcerer for ASS, said “It sure is some exciting times in politics right now. Most people in Yankee states don’t want another good old boy in the White House, what with him killing a few sand-niggers and all. Seems like the Dem-o-crats are gonna get themselves a president. Our members are real divided on who they wanna gun down.

See, on the one hand we don’t wanna be pushed around by some farm boy. On minute we’re giving them the right to vote, next minute people are voting for them. Don’t make no sense. But on t’other hand, having the country run by some screeching les-bee-en? That dog won’t hunt.”

Ebbsfleet stated that the choice between assassination targets has exposed deep divisions in ASS. “Well, some of our members don’t like the idea of having to draw a bead on that boy Barack. Looks like a real limber sonofabitch and a lot of our boys have got the shakes from the DT’s. But for others, shooting a woman just don’t sit right. Don’t seem gentlemanly, if you take my drift.”

Despite some reservations, however, Ebbsfleet says ASS will make good on their promises should either Obama or Clinton be voted president. “I’ll accept the head of the supreme armed forces being some pantyhose-wearing femmy-nist or some uppity negra the day they prise my shotgun from my cold, dead, tobacco-stained hands.”

Ebbsfleet gave his interview from the State court in Birmingham, Alabama, where he faces 213 charges of racially-aggravated assault, arson and harassment. “Seriously” said State prosecutor Cray Turner “This guy is one major fuck-head.”

“Keep Your Filthy Paws Off Our Women” Immigrants Warned

New Arrivals "Better Mind Their P's & Q's" Minister Warns

An information pack for newly-arrived immigrants has been proposed by Communities Secretary Hazel Blears, in order to “Notify these dreadful people that they’re on civilised soil now and whatever passed for acceptable behaviour back in umbo-jungo land won’t be tolerated by decent British people.”

“I don’t think anyone can reasonably deny that foreigners are going to come over here, whatever our deeply-held reservations are about the whole sordid affair.” Ms Blears continued “But if they think they’re going to waltz down my street and manhandle my daughters, they’ve got a shock coming, I can tell you.”

The information pack will also be available as a DVD because, as Ms Blears explained “Half of them can’t even read, you know, but they’re never short of a wide screen television and an Xbox, are they? And who pays for all that? You, me and every other Joe Muggins that drag themselves to work every day, that’s who.”

The information pack will contain the following advice:

· Keep your bloody hands off our women or you’ll have some sense thrashed into you, you damned savage.
· Stay away from the firewater if you plan on driving a car. You know how it inflames your baser instincts.
· For goodness’ sake close your windows when you’re cooking. Half the street won’t want to smell whatever spicy-smelling swill that passes for food in your godforsaken region.
· You will respect the law in this land, by thunder and you’ll show proper deference for your betters.
· Turn off that awful racket that you dare to call music. Britons have no time for your rhythmic, gyrating cacophony. Go to your local library and ask (POLITELY, mind you) to be directed to the Vaughn Williams albums.
· Learn the lingo. I refuse to debase my mouth with that gibberish of yours.
· Keep. Your. Bloody. Hands. Off. Our. Women. I can’t make it any clearer than that. You’ve been warned.