Jude Law In “Why Am I Shit?” Documentary

Actor Looks For Genetic Reasons Behind Awfulness


After John Barrowman’s appearance in the BBC documentary “Why Am I Gay?” the broadcaster is planning a further documentary starring balding charm-vacuum Jude Law called “Why Am I Shit?”

The original documentary saw Barrowman fly around the world to discover the reason behind him liking men’s bottoms quite so much. Varying theories, such as hormonal variations, nurture and genetic predisposition were mooted with no final conclusion being reached. In tests to grade his levels of gay, he scored an impressive “Carousel” out of ten.

It ended with the actor musing “Maybe we’ll never fully understand what causes a gay. But if my round-the-world jaunt on the BBC’s expense account can stop just one lad in Knutsford having his head stoved in for liking ABBA, it will have been worthwhile.”

Spurred on by the documentary’s success, the BBC are currently filming a new show with Jude Law, in which the murderer of Michael Caine’s back catalogue roams the globe to find out why he is so unutterably, stultifyingly shit.

“There is the theory that Jude Law was born totally shit.” said the documentary director Egon Ebbsfleet “If this is the case, then criticism of his wooden, vapid acting is prejudice – nothing less. He is merely conforming to what his DNA insists he must do – continue to phone in bland performances. Being a straight-to-video actor, then, is not a lifestyle choice.”

However, there is conflicting evidence to suggest that Law’s insipid shitness might be learned behaviour. His parents currently run a drama school in France, which suggests he was exposed to shitness at a young age. One of his early acting breaks was in the woeful ITV soap “Families”. Reward for being shit in something that itself was shit, would only positively reinforce Jude Law’s capacity for shit.

Early footage of the documentary shows Law talking about his shitness in a video diary. “It’s been a journey of discovery” he says “In my travels I’ve met up with other shit actors – Ashton Kutchner, Andi McDowell – and the support I received was amazing.”

“I’ve come to terms with being shit. My family have always supported my being shit. And the world must accept me for what I am – an actor that is proudly, defiantly shit.” Law’s monologue is impassioned, moving and honest. Although when he delivers it, it is, of course, really, really shit.